Hey you lovely people

[JanieB]

My younger son is getting married this month. I’m the only member of our family going. He also hasn’t invited any of his long term friends. His best man is someone he met recently. I have serious reservations about the whole thing. I only met his fiancé for a few minutes last week and he threw a strop because I didn’t seem to be interested in her or the wedding.

I don’t, and never have done the over enthusiasm on anything. It’s just not me.

In a text today I asked about the wedding present list and was given a choice of paying for the ring, the honeymoon or help with the reception. I don’t know how much he thinks I’m worth, but although my pension keeps me able to pay my bills and the occasional holiday I’m not exactly wealthy.

I decided that a way out was to offer the ring. My wedding ring is currently worth about £300. It is made of 22 carat rare gold. I’ve not worn it for 27 years. He’s now accepted this but taken it as free and still expects an expensive present.

Help.

[Nannysally99]

Janie, tell him straight that the ring was the very generous wedding gift.
You got to get tough girl.

[nickdub]

Bit of a tricky one without knowing the people involved or how to judge their characters.

I'd make would strong suggestion = be honest - and one mild one = sometimes writing stuff down either in a letter or an email can make it easier to say what you think without direct confrontation.

[JanieB]

Bit of a tricky one without knowing the people involved or how to judge their characters.

I'd make would strong suggestion = be honest - and one mild one = sometimes writing stuff down either in a letter or an email can make it easier to say what you think without direct confrontation.

Ah. I’m a great proponent of that. When on holiday with friends last year one of them read a letter to said son that I’d left lying about. I only wrote it to let off steam. I wouldn’t have sent it as it would have just made things worse.

[Mark_Riga]

I'm not known for my diplomacy but you could point out that the ring was one of the options. If you are the only one going from your family, maybe you could finance your side of the reception, £25 or something affordable?

[Baldy]

Sounds like a knob...um. good luck

[Snoop Puss]

^Baldy telling it baldly! I don't disagree.

Out of interest, do you know how many people will be at the wedding? If not many, perhaps you could contribute some sparkling wine.

That said, I think your gift was very generous and enough in its own right.

Here's another question: do you really want to go? Sorry, I had to ask.

[Chrissyteacup]

Wow if me and my OH we’re to get married I would plan on us financing the whole shebang- due to that I can understand not inviting loads of people (to keep cost low and to make it more intimate).
But I have to say it does sound ungrateful, perhaps he’s not thought it through, weddings seem to be far to complicated and expensive there’s too much pressure to have a fancy do maybe he’s just overwhelmed and not thought it through.

[veggiechicken]

Chrissy, weddings don't have to be expensive.

Poundland sell engagement rings for £1 - maybe they do wedding rings too.
Help with the honeymoon - a tent?
A bottle of wine and a bag of crisps for the reception?

[Chrissyteacup]

We’ve said if we do I’ll be registry office and reception in the garden I’m not holding my breath tho it’s been 10 years I’ll just have to stay a teacup not a coffee pot

[JanieB]

No I don’t. There’s a lot I haven’t said. I’ll be in the wrong if I don’t go and also if I do. As to the number of people, around 36.

He’s been 2 timing his long term girlfriend and has suddenly decided to marry this one. I’ve only met her for a short time and she seems nice enough. He’s old enough to know his own mind but I can see trouble ahead.

[veggiechicken]

I hope than none of his friends are gardeners and look at this very public forum.

[JanieB]

To add. Our family doesn’t do weddings (or any other family occasion) by halves. When his sister got married she had a £30,000 wedding for about £5,000. Including marquee on the lawn, waitress service etc. We booked a local friend who owned a golf club to run the bar and he brought 3 barrels of beer. We told him it wasn’t enough and he didn’t believe us. So 80, yes 80 barrels later, not to mention the wine, spirits etc. That he “borrowed” from all the local pubs. We did our own catering. She had a wonderful wedding even though the rest of us were exhausted.

[Snoop Puss]

So, six glasses to a bottle. That means six bottles of sparkling wine for a toast or to accompany the cake. If you're being generous, a dozen and everyone would get two glasses. Is that affordable? Don't get champagne, cava or prosecco, as your son will be working out the value. Look for something a bit different like a Crémant de Bourgogne, Limoux or Alsace.

Out of interest, who paid for his sister's wedding? Is he going to start making comparisons?

[rary]

There is no advice I can give you Janie, but I know that if it was me I would not put myself into debt, and I have always told my children that they should not expect their mother or I to finance anything that they want, we help them with watching the children, which even though it is tiring it is a joy for us and they are good fun, we live quite comfortably and have sufficient for our needs, and as I worked to provide for my family when they were young they also know I worked to provide for their mother and I when we are old and they accept that