Hey you lovely people

[nickdub]

Not commenting specifically on your family Janie, but one thing I'm sure about is that you can't change other people and how they behave, each person can only change them-self. So if someone is a "taker" they will stay that way, unless they decide to change and behave differently.

Best wishes for finding a way through that you are OK with.

All the best, Nick

[Greenleaves]

To add. Our family doesn’t do weddings (or any other family occasion) by halves. When his sister got married she had a £30,000 wedding for about £5,000. Including marquee on the lawn, waitress service etc. We booked a local friend who owned a golf club to run the bar and he brought 3 barrels of beer. We told him it wasn’t enough and he didn’t believe us. So 80, yes 80 barrels later, not to mention the wine, spirits etc. That he “borrowed” from all the local pubs. We did our own catering. She had a wonderful wedding even though the rest of us were exhausted.

So if she had 1000 guests that means everyone consumed 27 pints??

[mysteryduck]

I agree with everyone else. I’m 35 and getting quite sentimental in my old age I find it upsetting that he is so focused on cost. Isn’t love enough? When he looks back in 50 years time, would a personal gift not be worth more? In which case, maybe he doesn’t understand the true value of the ring you’re gifting him. My personal thoughts aside, and I know it’s none of his business, but could you explain to him how limiting your pension is? That might help? Best wishes to you. I hope this works out without much fuss.

[Small pumpkin]

I'll be honest I don't see the point in marriage. I don't see why you need a bit of paper to prove you love each other. Now tax laws have changed their isn't even any financial gain ( that's the only reason my other half's brother got married).
I think you're offer of the wedding ring is incredibly generous. Personally if he carried on acting like a spoiled brat and wanting more from you, I'd withdraw the offer of the ring and till him to stick it . You may of spotted I'm not much for family either .

The fact he's not inviting any of he friends or any other members of the family is setting off alarm bells in my tiny head. Then I am a suspicious and cynical old bat with no diplomacy!

Well that post doesn't hold me in good light, does it

[bikermike]

hmmm, it does sound suspicious. Not inviting family *or* friends I can understand.
doing it on a budget I can also understand, but this sounds at first read as grasping
but this sounds like someone is not playing with a straight bat. If there has been two-timing going on, was this her way of forcing him to commit? The phrase "a man who marries his mistress creates a vacancy" springs to mind.

Does he have an overly-optimistic view of your finances? It's easy to mistake settled stuff for wealth. Could you offer some kind of help in kind - "I can't afford to chip in to the wedding, but I'll bake some cakes/make sandwiches/play the bassoon [according to talent etc]". This could be a way of getting more family in "and of course Aunt Gertrude would be happy to bring some home-made poteen if invited"

could you suggest delaying things a bit? that might flush stuff out.

I'm a big fan of being married, but it doesn't make things work that can't otherwise.

[gardening_gal]

In a text today I asked about the wedding present list and was given a choice of paying for the ring, the honeymoon or help with the reception. I don’t know how much he thinks I’m worth, but although my pension keeps me able to pay my bills and the occasional holiday I’m not exactly wealthy.

I decided that a way out was to offer the ring. My wedding ring is currently worth about £300. It is made of 22 carat rare gold. I’ve not worn it for 27 years. He’s now accepted this but taken it as free and still expects an expensive present.

Help.

Seems to me there is a distinct lack of communication going on here.

The most obvious solution is just to tell him you're not in a position to be able to contribute a lot financially. If this too makes him have a wee strop then really, the wedding isn't the issue, your son's sense of entitlement is.

Sorry. I have actually gone through something similar with my own middle one. Not that he was getting married, just that he seemed to be too full of his own self importance without recognising realities. I've always been a giver with people generally and I think I inadvertently made my lad a taker. For a while anyway.

Hope this all settles for you.

[Jungle Jane]

Would you like to get to know her,invite them for dinner,ask your son in front of her “do you want my wedding ring as a gift or would you prefer it if I bought something” who decides him or her,it would be nice to see them chat together & all of you come to an agreement but it could be that she wants a lot & difficult for your son so I don’t know?

[Chrissyteacup]

Is he under the impression that you paid a lot for the other wedding?
Are feelings of inequality at work here?
I’m a firm believer in talking things through with people at least then everything’s out in the open even if you don’t agree you can at least understand where he is coming from and he can understand your point of view too?

[Greenleaves]

I think Janie has a lot to ponder with the replies thus far.

With that in mind I have closed the thread.