Permitted phrases in pubs

[Jimmy]

The wife has this idea that pubs are for socializing and chit chat.
My idea is that pubs are for drinking and there is far too much chit chat.
To this end I am producing a short list of permitted phrases.
The current initial list is as follows, please feel free to add any critical omisions.

1) Could I have XXX please. Where XXX is any viable item sold by the pub, for example
A pint of beer
A whisky
A bag of crisps
A bag of nuts
A pork pie
Etc
Banned items would be a cup of tea or coffee.

2) Where's the gents.

3) HOW MUCH!

4) My legs have mysteriously malfunctioned, please book me a taxi!

List on going

Jimmy

[Guest]

3) HOW MUCH!

My fav was

Do you do mortgages as well?

[Small pumpkin]

Banned phrases
Could I have sparkling water please
Could I have bottled water please

Permitted phrase
Let's have a pitcher of that cocktail instead of a glass

[greenishfing]

I also used to like going to the pub (back in the days when pubs were for adults only and not somewhere resembling a cross between a kindergarten and a bistro).
Permitted phrases should also include.
1.Let's have a game of darts/dominoes.
2.Same again please.
Nowadays the only timesI might occasionally visit a pub is on a hot Summer's day to sit outside with a beer or two. They are so depressing.

[Jimmy]

It's your round.

I've forgot my wallet.

Jimmy

[Guest]

Old phrases - Wait a minute my feet are sticking to the floor, grab us an empty ashtray, put a couple of 20ps on the table for the next game. Umm classy pubs as a college student

Oh forgot - pub phrase

What's your problem?!?!

[veggiechicken]

I said............a large glass!!

Do you sell it by the bottle?

[Nicos]

Oooops!
I thought YOU were driving

TAXI !

[Scarlet]

I also used to like going to the pub (back in the days when pubs were for adults only and not somewhere resembling a cross between a kindergarten and a bistro).

I think kids should be allowed in pubs but at certain times. I loved sitting in a pub garden with my boys after a dog walk down the canal. The problem is many parents forget about them when they have a drink in hand and let them run riot! They also take them along in the evening well past their bedtime! So annoying....

[Jimmy]

When my son was just 18 he took me to the pub to buy me a drink.
We got to the bar and he said what do you want dad?
And can you lend me a tenner!
Jimmy

[Jimmy]

Someone pointed out that malfunctioning legs does not necessarly mean you have to stop drinking. Whilst perhaps inadvisable it is possible to continue.
The human body is a wonderful machine and you will be prompted with further warnings such as in ability to speak coherantly, blured vision, ability to speak as a football expert.
When I was young my mother used to laugh when I came back from the pub. I used to watch the late night film but had to put a hand over one eye to prevent double vision.
Sounds a bit gross today but in those days it was acceptable.

Jimmy

[Guest]

^^^along with laying down with one foot on the floor to stop the room spinning. Good job we are such a sensible mature lot and don't do things like that anymore

[Snadger]

I once asked my Dad (Who liked a drink) why he drank a pint then a whiskey chaser ad infinitum throughout the evening. Son he sez, if I drink pints all evening I'm full before I'm drunk and if I drink shorts all evening I'm drunk before I'm full.But if I drink a pint then a chaser, I'm full when I am drunk.

[Jimmy]

^^^along with laying down with one foot on the floor to stop the room spinning. Good job we are such a sensible mature lot and don't do things like that anymore

Sensible, I don't think so , more like less capable.
Jimmy

[greenishfing]

^^^along with laying down with one foot on the floor to stop the room spinning. Good job we are such a sensible mature lot and don't do things like that anymore

I never knew keeping a foot on the floor stopped the room spinning. WOW! You live and learn!