Let the Christmas jokes begin...

[HeyWayne]

..........and so it came to pass that the Silly Christmas Joke Season
arrived bringing with it customary, though not entirely unwelcome groans



Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by St. Peter at the Pearly
Gates.

'In honour of this Holy Season' St Peter said 'You must each possess
something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven'

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He
flicked it on 'It represents a candle' he said

'You may pass through the pearly gates' said St Peter.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He
rattled them and said 'They're bells'.

St Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The third man started desperately searching through his pockets and
finally pulled out a pair of womans panties.

St Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked 'And what do
those symbolize?

The Man replied ...













































'These are Carols'

[Shortie]

Omg

[bubblewrap]

Why has Santa got no children?





He only comes once a year & that's down chimneys.

[HeyWayne]

What did Adam say to his wife the day before Christmas?

















It's Christmas, Eve!

[HeyWayne]

There were two blondes who went deep into the frozen woods

searching for a Christmas tree.

After hours of subzero temperatures and a few close calls with

hungry wolves, one blonde turned to the other and said, “I’m

chopping down the next tree I see. I don’t care whether it’s

decorated or not!”

[bubblewrap]

The reason why there are not so many nativity plays.

You try & find 3 wise men & a virgin.

[bubblewrap]

The three wise men came to see the baby Jesus & on leaving one banged his head & said Jesus Christ & Mary said that's a good name I was going to call him Percy!

[bubblewrap]

An America couple was being shown around Moscow one day, when the man felt a drop hit his nose.

"I think it's raining," he said to his wife.

"No, that felt more like snow to me," she replied.

"No, I'm sure it was just rain," he said.

Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about whether it was raining or snowing.

"Let's not fight about it!" the man said. "Let's ask our guide, Rudolph, whether it's officially raining or snowing."

As their tour guide approached, the man said, "Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it officially raining or snowing?"

"It's raining, of course," he replied officiously.

But the woman insisted, "I know that it felt like snow!"

The man quietly replied, "Rudolph, the Red, knows rain, dear!"

[HeyWayne]

The three wise men came to see the baby Jesus & on leaving one banged his head & said Jesus Christ & Mary said that's a good name I was going to call him Percy!

Thankfully he didn't say what I usually say when I bang my head leaving a room (which often happens).

[bubblewrap]

Thankfully he didn't say what I usually say when I bang my head leaving a room (which often happens).

What's that Wayne
"Oh dear I've banged my head"

[HeyWayne]

What's that Wayne
"Oh dear I've banged my head"

lol, yes, or you may occasionally hear me utter "Oh poo, I seem to have bumped my head again!"

[bubblewrap]

Not long ago and far away, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip...but there were problems everywhere.

Four of his elves were sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More Stress. Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey. When he went to the cupboard, he found the elves had hidden the liquor and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the he kitchen floor.

He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from.

Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said: "Where would you like to put this tree Santa?"

And that my friends, is how the little angel came to be on top of the Christmas tree.

[Flummery]

Well, as BW has already lowered the tone somewhat I might dare to tell my only Christmas joke. It's about the young lady who was sleeping in a state of disarray and woke, stretching seductively, as Santa came down the chimney. "Oh, Santa, come to bed with me!" she cooed. "I might as well," said Santa, "I'll never get back up the chimney like this!"

[shirlthegirl43]

Brilliant Flum!!!

Still chuckling at the thought of Wayne politely saying 'oh dear, I seem to have bumped my head again' - not my response when I bash my noggin

[Peter]

YouTube - the goodies -- father christmas do not touch me