Why have kids?

[Nicos]

Difficult question...
we had 2 children- I was desperate to have both of them and wanted a 3rd, but was working a 50hr week.
Had to pay a childminder and cleaner and came out with £50 a month spare from my wages - which just about covered my petrol to work!

On reflection...I would of had a 3rd child and stopped working, but I wouldn't have had the lifestyle and possessions we have now.
The kids are at Uni level and drive me mad...or are utterly wonderful.....sort of wished we'd had a 3rd child, but I'd probably not have coped!

I know 2 couples who had children, where the father didn't want any but 'gave in' and both mothers ended up doing everything and resenting the freedom their OH's demanded.

If one of you really doesn't feel happy with the idea..then don't do it...

In your heart of hearts- you'll know. Marriage is about supporting each other, and if one's demands are too much for the other, then you need to talk it through

I'd offer you my kids like a shot...but you'd need to clean/wash/cook/y up/listen to music you can't standand give them pocket money....but I'd be lost without them......you gotta have someone to yell at/feel weepy when they drive off!

[beefy]

I didn't but it could have happend and I don't think I could have coped but would have had to.

Tracey

Ther last 5 words are the most important .You cope cos you have to .There is'nt any other choice.
Remember sitting one night about 6 months after our son was born looking at Mrs B and saying "What did we do before Paul was born?" We could just about remember but when we thought about it we would not go back.

[nick the grief]

.... Mrs B and saying "What did we do before Paul was born?" .....

Surely that's why he was born Beefy cos of what you were doing

Children are so you don't have to worry what to do with all your spare cash

[smallblueplanet]

The last 5 words are the most important .You cope cos you have to .There is'nt any other choice....

But unfortunately this isn't true Beefy. Lots of people can't cope with children, lots of women are 'pressured' into having children and believing that being maternal is something that should be second nature to them.

I think it should be as easy to admit you can't cope and need help with children as it is to say you want them?

[vicki]

'A Dad is a man who has a photograph in his wallet where his money used to be'!.

[kirsty b]

Excellent quote Vicki, and how true!!

I didn't want children until I met Steve and given that he already had 3 boys we decided to wait and 'see if we are still together in a year then think about it'. And believe me, 3 stepsons really makes you think. We were in no hurry, but despite the Pill I was watching a blue line on a test a month later!
At first, through sheer shock, I considered not having it, but when my doc said that due to malaria pills I had taken on a holiday my child may be born with a mild defect and did I want to consider a termination, thats when I knew I wanted my baby, 'defect' or no.
I had Lauren in the November, perfectly healthy and I wouldn't change a thing. Its been bloody hard work, especially with a man who came with 3 already made but rewarding too. Knowing she'll be my only one makes her extra special to me.
Steve and I are still together 8 years on and planning a wedding for next year.
You guys will know when your'e ready Waffler and whether its right for you both.

I'm lucky I had a very supportive family network, Lauren was only an hour old when my big sis asked when she could have her for a weekend! I made her wait 6 months.

[beefy]

Could not have put it better if I had tried Mrsc2b.
Its one of those things that you just know one way or the other and no amount of pressure from inlaws or friends should make you change your mind.

But unfortunately this isn't true Beefy. Lots of people can't cope with children, lots of women are 'pressured' into having children and believing that being maternal is something that should be second nature to them.

I think it should be as easy to admit you can't cope and need help with children as it is to say you want them?

Re pressure see the above post SBP

As for coping Mrs B and I came through 5 nearly 6 years of PND and we still would do it all again. Our world revolves around our kids and I would gladly do without so my kids could have something that they needed .
Our opinion is if you have thought it through and decide that you want kids then be big enough to stand up and take responsibility for them .They are the most important part of your life as you chose to have them . I choose to take a £400 / week pay cut so that I could be at home to help and to see my kids grow up.I'm not saying it was easy - I was used to doing what I wanted - before kids I would not have thought twice about ringing up a few mates jumping on a plane and going to Las Vegas for a weekends gambling or a weeks fishing in the Kola peninsula in Russia or a few days shooting in Scotland. I'm lucky if I get a weekend in Scotland fishing now . My priorities have now changed and I get a greater satisfaction seeing a smile on my kids faces when I gave them an unexpected bag of sweets or the pure delight on Christmas morning when they find their presents.

Yes it should be easy to ask for help if you can't cope and our doctor was great when Mrs B asked but in general conversation with the doctors they told us that they can spot PND but lots of people refuse to accept help . Its as if they have somehow failed and rather than ask for help they refuse to admit there is a problem- how do you help this section of society?

[Shortie]

I'm lucky I had a very supportive family network, Lauren was only an hour old when my big sis asked when she could have her for a weekend! I made her wait 6 months.

Lol, my big sis came over from Oz when Nathan (my first) was 2 weeks old and on her first night over she asked is she could look after him that night. He was only 2 weeks old and has she has sleep problems (night terrors, sleep walking etc) I was more worried about how the stress would affect her, than how he would be! I knew nothing would happen to Nathan as she was staying at my Mum and Dad's (just thought I'd better mention that in case I sounded really uncaring, lol)

[Shortie]

Yes it should be easy to ask for help if you can't cope and our doctor was great when Mrs B asked but in general conversation with the doctors they told us that they can spot PND but lots of people refuse to accept help

....

how do you help this section of society?

Unfortunately Beefy that's very true. The very nature of depression is that you can't ask for help, or usually even recongnise that you need it..

This is one section of society that needs much more acceptance than they get. Even in today's "accepting" society, it's terrible the things you hear people say when you know someone's really just crying out for help and they don't understand that person's condition. Anyway, enough gloom, sorry... it's one thing I really feel strongly about

[smallblueplanet]

....Its as if they have somehow failed and rather than ask for help they refuse to admit there is a problem- how do you help this section of society?

Well I don't know, but thats why there is the NSPCC and Social Services.

You coped because you had to, the above organisations say lots of parents don't. As you say its still seen as them having failed, at something that everyone should want to do and have an inate ability to do it, parts of society might say?

Edit - Ah I wasn't talking about depression specifically, but difficulty in coping with children.

[Farmer_Gyles]

why have kids?
when i was younger i wasnt really fussed about kids but sort of wanted to have that "perfect family" thing you see in adverts on the telly .... one day ..... no hurry .... meet miss perfect first and see what happens ....

but accidents happen ....

was a shock at first .... and the mother was most definitely not miss perfect ....

i've always enjoyed my sleep .... but i loved getting up at 4am to feed babies .... changing stinking nappies didn't bother me ..... i enjoyed every minute .... the kids were mine, i caused them, and they were cute, like me

i became a single parent 7 years ago ..... lost my (well paid) job because i couldn't get childcare day for shiftwork and set up my own business

it's been bloody hard work, had to go without the nice holidays, new cars, etc
it's only now that i've got the money to have the nice things ....

but having kids has brought other nice things into my life .... experiences .... doing things like cub camp and helping with school netball team etc etc etc .... and it's been great fun .... and kept me young and (fairly) fit!

my kids are great friends, they make me laugh, i love them to pieces
they look after me ..... they wake me up with a nice cuppa every morning .....
teaching my daughter to cook is hilarious
seeing my son smile when he scores a goal makes me so proud that i just dont care that i'm standing in a muddy field in the freezing rain and biting wind ...... and that i've got yet another load of filthy football kit to wash!
one day i'll get them digging in the garden too!

having kids is a personal choice .... i wont condemn anyone for not having kids .... but i'm so glad i've got mine .....

[scarey55]

Can I just say Farmer Giles - you are indeed a Superhero. I'm sure that being a single Dad can't be easy but it looks like you' re doing a pretty good job and you even seem to get the odd bit of pleasure from it so.......

WELL DONE YOU

[kirsty b]

Me and my sister were brought up mostly by our dad and as a result we are all close. Closer to my mum as an adult than I was as a kid, but love them both.

My dad was great, even when he remarried he still used to cook and do stuff with us. When he lost his job and was unemployed for a bit, we would get in from school and dinner would be waiting on the table. He did housework, washing, everything. It was dad who showed us how to polish our boots properly and put the right creases in our trousers when we were Sea Cadets too.

[moggssue]

My cousin ended up a single dad of a 3yr old boy and a baby of 7months and gave up his job to bring them up. Now the eldest is 18 and they are both fantastic boys, with a stepmum and stepbrother, and are a great family unit. Cousin has a good job again, and all is well in their world. If you want to, and have a support network (me running round with nappies and ending up staying the night so he could get some r&r!) you can overcome whatever life throws at you.

In some ways I feel a bit selfish not having children, but then it was that selfish streak that stopped me I guess - I like my freedom too much. I can see all the pros and all the cons and could never quite bring myself round to the idea. But I wouldn't be without the children in my family and happily help look after them - I guess that's a part of my freedom to chose.

[yoanbob]

I recently went to stay with a friend of mine whowhen we were 16 would have done anything for a familly of her own, I didnt want children back then. we would spend hours walking drinking and smoking and I would complain about my parents and she would thinkof baby names.
at 19 she had a daughter and moved away, we stayed friends and I would visit them and both mother and daughter seemed to thrive, then she had a son, who is now 5 (girl is 12) when I came home from a recent visit I cried. The children were either shouted at or ignored it was awfull, the girl was doing most of the housework but got no respect or thanks it was like she was just an inconvienient slave and the boy wasnt treated any better.
make sure its right for you and that you dont get bored when they stop being cute, children arnt dolls