Sad news

[Finedon.Dandy]

Just to let those of you who have been so supportive of me that I miscarried my baby on Friday. This is about a real baby, not a plant or anything garden related but a life from within me so please could we leave off this boards humour (which I normaly enjoy) just for this post - thanks.

It died three weeks ago, at 8 1/2 weeks and my body only just decided it wasnt to be. I have been defeated in trying to take my mind off things by doing even some light gardening due to horrendous tummy pains - I have been told to rest. Any ideas what I can do that would be classed as rest but would still take my mind off things? I need to be busy, else I will just spend my days sobbing and if I do that I will just want to curl up into a ball......no good to family or garden like that am I.

Tammy

[HeyWayne]

Tammy

I'm really sorry to hear your sad news. Some dear friends of ours had three miscarriages before giving birth to our marvellous God-daughter. There is always light at the end of the tunnel even if that tunnel may seem very long at times.

When I had to rest after my op on slipped discs I found that really mundane and repetitive jobs are a great way of taking your mind off things.

I know it seems hard to imagine at the moment, but you will get through this - it will take time, but time is the greatest healer. Our friend is testament to that.

My thoughts are with you. Good luck.

[shirlthegirl43]

Sorry to hear your sad news Tammy.

Cross-stitch is a good way to take your mind off things as you have to pay close attention to the details, it is in no way strenuous (apart from when you get it wrong and have to unpick 3 rows to put it right).

Lavender and Bergamot would be nice relaxing oils to burn to aid your healing. Hope you feel better soon.

[mapcr77]

Sorry to hear your news Tammy.

As for ocupational therapy, you could also try crochet, knitting, embroidery... or even plain mending clothes! (you know, those odd buttons that fall off, tiny holes in socks, etc...). Or just buy pretty fabrics and make hand-sown cushion covers. It's rewarding to see the final product.

Good luck!

[jackie j]

So sorry to hear your news you dont say if this was your first child not that it makes any differance any baby is precious. I havent been through this personally but my sister did twice same as you the first time, the second time was differant. You will never forget this baby no matter how many you have, but it will get easier, the best thing is for you and your partner to talk about it and grieve for it together dont shut each other out.
Finding something to do is important if you can do something together it will help you both.
My sister threw herself into her work she was always told she couldnt have children and to get pregnant was a milestone as she was forty the first time and 44 when she had a beautiful girl.
Keep your chin up talk, talk and talk some more.I hope thing's work out for you.
with lots of TLC Jackie

[Flummery]

So sorry to hear this Tammy. Our lovely daughter lost her first baby at 10 weeks - even though it's just a happy idea to most of your friends it is a REAL baby to you. She now has the bright and bubbly 3 year old and is expecting her second at the end of July. There's no doubt that everyone held their breath at 10 weeks each time but things worked out. I'm sure they will for you. My therapy would be patchworking and listening to a story tape. You often can't settle to read a book but listening to one being read to you is very soothing. Lots of love to you both.

Flum

[esrikandan]

Really sorry to hear your sad news. My wife and I have experienced two miscarriages and the first one we were quite pragmatic about, but the second time (and she was carrying twins) was a real heartbreaker. Luckily we already have a beautiful daughter.

It's hard to know what to do to occupy your time - unless it takes up some mental space, you can't help but think about it. Maybe look at learning something new?

[janeyo]

So sorry, it does get easier to bear with time but it never goes away completely. I had an ectopic before going on to have 2 beautiful healthy boys, and it was an unexpected pregnancy. I almost died as they misdiagnosed a tummy bug!
It is often nature's way of getting rid of something that your body would not have coped with or that had serious imperfections.

You will, I am sure, go on to carry fullterm healthy babies. I also wondered if I had done anythign to cause my loss but have logically made up my mind that it was nthing I did or that could have been prevented. You will make the loss so much harder to bear if you blame yourself or anyone else.

janeyo - who is resting by watching the snooker, very addictive!

Hope you can move on soon and thinking of you.

[zazen999]

Hi

That's terrible news; I can't imagine what you must be going through and won't attempt to.

I have learnt that sometimes, you do just have to curl up into a ball and allow yourself a bit of breathing space to grieve. You could always give yourself say an hour a day to curl up; at a certain time; if that's what you feel you want to do.

And the body knows what's best. There's nothing that you could have done to prevent it; you have to accept that the body made the right decision.

I found when I had to rest I just slept. And slept - and when I felt like I couldn't sleep any more I had a nap. I gave myself alloted times during the day when I would do simple tasks; then I slept.

I also played sudoku to try and keep my mind active, watched a little TV [Seinfeld mainly]and a couple of films; and caught up on books that I had in my 'to be read' pile. Cooked a little, sowed a few seeds and basically rested alot.

This is still very fresh and recent and you will hurt for ages - but don't beat yourself up about feeling bad - if you don't go through that now, you'll go through it later. I know logically you want to throw yourself into something that takes your mind off it; but that sometimes just offsets the process.

I hope you are feeling better soon, and remember to look after number 1.

xxx

[piskieinboots]

Horrid news - I am so sorry this has happened to you, I haven't been in your situation and so can only imagine how wretched you must be feeling.

Grapes have supplied excellent advice above on mind absorbing projects and I agree with Andrea that curling up and shutting the world out for a short time is also underrated

[Birdie Wife]

Our thoughts and prayers are with you Tammy - take comfort in your family, look after yourself and don't be afraid to ask for help.

[moggssue]

I am so so sorry to hear your sad news Tammy. I can only echo what others have said already - there's nothing wrong with grieving, it is a natural and very normal part of life so don't shut yourself off from it totally. If the tears want to come then let them. And we are always here to listen to you if you feel the need to let off some steam and put your thoughts and feelings down, you will always find an ear and a kind word.

In terms of something to do, I find cross stitch always takes my mind away - it takes concentration yet is simple and non-tiring at the same time, and you will soon see an end result to bring a little sense of achievement.

I am thinking of you and sending you all the very best of wishes and thoughts honey.

[muckdiva]

Hi

I have learnt that sometimes, you do just have to curl up into a ball and allow yourself a bit of breathing space to grieve. You could always give yourself say an hour a day to curl up; at a certain time; if that's what you feel you want to do.

So sorry to hear your sad news Tammy. I think zazen is right though, don't beat yourself up about taking time to grieve. It will help you long term.

As to things to do, I'd suggest writing, drawing or painting - even if they are not normally your 'thing'. You don't need to try and produce a work of art - but these are good ways of letting off steam.

Will be thinking of you.

[lainey lou]

I'm so sorry for your loss Tammy, and ditto what everyone else says, don't bottle up your grief, let it come as and when. Big love and hugs to you, xxx.

[Marthaclematis]

Big hugs to you, I've been through three miscarriges and each time was different. Allow yourself to cry and cry if you want to and please know that in time you will feel stronger and have the courage to try again. You will probably find solace in the most unexpected places and people (depending on how many you want to share with). You will feel happy again, just give yourself time. And if you're offered painkillers then take them, pain is a constant reminder of what's happened and brings you down emotionally. Wishing you good health to return soon. xxxx.