Update on my niece

[jackie j]

As I mentioned before my 13 yr old niece lost her mum last October and my BIL finds it hard to cope, the latest thing is, she was caught smoking at school and a letter was sent home, when she arrived home from school with some friends, my BIL wanted to talk to her on her own which she didnt want to do, he got stroppy with her, the friends were shouting and screaming at him through the letter box, he phoned my other sister in tears who with her 36yr old daugter raced down to calm the situation.
They talked to the friends calmly and they went home, my sister chatted to my niece and while we cant say she is not allowed to smoke as both her mum and dad have and he still does, we can try and discourage her. She has started to self harm as well, she has really bad excema on her arms and legs which only started after her mum died, ( stress excema ).
My sister is taking her to the doctors again today on the understanding that my niece comes clean on everything that has been going on.
We think at last she is grieving for her mum and have been waiting for this explosion.
There is more to come Im sure.

[Tracey]

Jackie, that's so sad. I've got a 13 year old daughter and I think she struggles with being 13 enough without the trauma of losing her mother. Would you neice consider seeing a bereavement councillor?

Tracey

[jackie j]

Tracey thanks for your reply. She has had councilling before her mum died, on her own and as a family ( she is an only child to older parents) the problem is she wont open up to anyone and just shrugs her shoulders, this is the reason my other sister is taking her to the doc's today, and has promised to talk this time, so who knows what will happen next.
I have a 12 year old daughter and I have tried to put my family in the same posistion and think what would we have done before this happened. My sister tried to protect her daughter as we all do, but sometimes its best if we open up to our feelings, knowing that something is going to happen. Its when its unexpected that problems arise.
Will keep you updated.

[SlugLobber]

Hope she works it out, Jackie. Sounds like a dark time for all involved.

[kirsty b]

Big hugs to all while you go through what be a horrible time. Hope your niece opens up and comes through ok

[Pootle]

My Mum died very suddenly when I was 16, my brother was 14 and my sister 11. I probably coped best by talking about it with my friends (rather than my Dad - being worried that he didn't need more grief) and so perhaps that is the problem for your niece? Is she trying not to let her Dad see how upset she is (in order to protect him) and so her acting out is a symptom.

I'm not trying to diagnose via forum but that would be my suspicion. My brother and sister, being younger, and without mature(ish) friends to call on, found it much harder to work through their grief. I do hope they both find some help through such a difficult time, my heart goes out to them and to you too.

We never had any counselling or help but I have since heard great things about the Noahs Ark Trust who help young people in just this situation...they have sessions which aren't counselling per se but have the same effect, providing the right environment for young people to open up without all the guilt about over-burdening the surviving parent.

Love to you all.

[jackie j]

Pootle's my BIL has not been a hands on dad and is starting from scratch with a 13 yr old going through a very difficult time, this is normal in their house, he never did anything for my sister and retired himself a few years ago through ill health plus he was made redundant about the same time. They dont know how to talk to each other and both come across agressive but so do most of his family who live away.
My sister was ill for 6 years so half of my nieces life, getting worse each year.
I lost my dad when i was 6 yrs old but its nothing compared to loosing a mum especially for a teenage girl.
Thanks to everyone for your support.

[squashysu]

bless what a sad time for you all, i am so sorry for your loss and as a mum of a 13 year old daughter, i too would worry.

my daughter was 6 when her nan died of a heart attack suddenly and my daughter was in the back of the car that nan was driving, lucky she had a seat belt, but the grief has taken years for her to try and cope with, 1 month after she died, i gave birth to twins and my daughter coped well with this but it was something added that a young child couldnt deal with at the time, now 6 years later she sees a councillor and has been diagnosed with Post traumatic stress disorder.

I am still wracked with guilt over what happened and my daughter is soon going for therapy called EDS which will help with all of this, there is a charity called CHUMS, i am not sure if they are in your area, but they help bereaved children in many different ways.

I so help that this poor little girl gets some help from someone and that the dr's listen to her.

xx

I do

[Alice]

What a sad story Jackie and my heart goes out to that child. I hope she can find someone she can relate to.
A lot of people come through traumatic times and gladly most people make it out the other side.
All you can do Jackie is be there, and help where you can. The smallest thing can make a difference.

[jackie j]

Its nice to know so many people care about others that they have never met.
I have tried to be there for my niece but she has always pushed people away even her own mum. I have an older niece who is my younger nieces cousin and she is the one who seems to get through to her, but she has a little girl of her own and I feel she shouldn't be taking on such a big task but I support them both as much as I can.
I am sure with time we will, as a family look back on this and think 'what was that all about'.
Thank you to everyone for your support.

[gemlady]

What a sad situation for your niece. Only hope she can get some help to see her through this difficult time. In the meantime all you can do as a family is support her and reassure her that although you can't give her the love her mother would, nevertheless she is still loved.

[jackie j]

Found out yesterday that my BIL didnt know where my niece was for four days. She was with friends and within a sort of school enviroment as students were over from Austria which is where she was when her mum died.
I have spoken to my other sister and have offered to have my niece live with us during the summer holidays to give them both some space, I cant stand by and let her suffer at the hands of her father anymore, whilst he doesnt harm her, he undermines everything she does and critices her all the time.
He wants her to be grown up and be able to do everything overnight without teaching her.
I know he will see this as a time that he will be able to spend longer in the pub and not have to think or worry about her, but I owe it to my sister to protect her daughter.
I will not let anything happen to her, she needs a loving stable enviroment where she can grow in maturatiy.
My sister is seeing the councillor with my BIL next week and I have told her to ask who does he think is responsible for his daughters well being, as he has said he washes his hands of her as she wont do anything and he gives up.
What sort of message does that give a thirteen year old child.
He makes my blood boil and if you note the time of writing this its 5am I cant sleep.
If after the summer holidays she wishes to stay then that will be fine with me.
Sorry for the rant .

[Pootle]

Oh Jackie - you sound so lovely, your last post brought tears to my eyes - I wish I could give you a hug...

It sounds very much like you've settled on a course of action that'll be best for your niece and I hope it all works out for the best. Please keep us updated, we'll all be thinking of you

[zazen999]

Hi Jackie

Sounds like she has got someone looking out for her at least; its good that you can offer her the home she sounds as if she desperately needs.

Also sounds as if she needs permission to be upset...and to do some mourning.