Mixed feelings....

[Finedon.Dandy]

Not been on all weekend and have really missed you guys. Had the parents in law to stay for the first time since Daniels birthday, last year, when they were so rude to me (we had a row and I had to ask them to leave (they got the hump cos I had to do a little work - long story)) so I was careful not to upset them this time and stayed away from computer. Of course I now have loads of catching up to do, Present to wrap and card to make (Hannahs 5th Birthday tomorrow), a party to organise (next Sunday) and the house to keep as tidy and clean as possible as my parents are coming up for the weekend on Friday. The only full child free and so work day I have each week is a Friday and now I really regret blitzing the house last Friday, instead of working, as my parents wont want me to be working when they arrive this Friday AM and then the following Friday its set-up time for the carnival (I am hosting the craft marquee) ready for the Saturday and Sunday.

So you can see I have so many mixed feelings at the moment; a lot to look forward to (is my baby really 5!), a fair amount to dread (what will my parents critizise first this visit) and regret, regret, regret; why havent I managed to find time to make any new cards for the carnival, why did I invite so many kids (50! - am learning fast) to Hannahs birthday party (one thing my parents have already had a go about and I am expecting more tuting during party) and when can I fit in planting those very healthy (for the mo) Foxgloves and Cosmos. Oh dear, Oh dear, Oh dear!

Please chat to me today - critisism accepted but a bit of support would be preferred!

Tammy

[shirlthegirl43]

You go plant your plants. If your parents want to tut at the way you live your life, tolerate it for a day or three, they aren't there all the time. Live YOUR life the way you and your family want to. It won't suit your parents - you will be the same when you visit your children in the future. Keep smiling!

50 kids for a party - you want your head read

[zazen999]

Blimey - indeed - 50 kids at a party. I lost the plot when we had 7 girls and 2 boys over for 2 hours...so did the boys. They were cowering in a corner and I had to ferry them into a quiet room and let them play xbox on their own.

Aren't families weird - esp other people's. When my OH's family come round, we sit round and talk and they take offence if I go off and do something [there's only so long I can sit in one place at the best of times]. With our family, when they visit we just carry on going about our normal day to day stuff and get on with it. They'll join in if they can to be honest.

When in a situation like this, the best thing to do is to allow yourself the permission not to do absolutely everything; list out everything that needs to be done, and put in brackets what could wait...and leave it until you are ready. Of course - you could make a list for your parents on what you want them to do - depends on how cheeky you are.

Remember to breathe - and I hope you've got some of the kids' parents coming to the party to help out.

[Flummery]

You can't try to be the perfect daughter, daughter-in-law, Mum, wife, until you've had a bit of time to be YOU. Plant your foxgloves and cosmos, they are living things and need our respect. I'm the sort who tends to blitz the house when people come but that's only because in between I let it get into a bit of a state. I can tolerate a very high level of chaos! My Mum used to come and say "I don't know how you can live like this." and that was AFTER Id' cleaned and tidied up! You need to be yourself - and other people need to know how important that is. Tell them, but gently, that what you do is important to your self esteem. They need to respect that.

I wish you well. You need to develop a thick skin, like I have!

[lynda66]

i was going to suggest saving time and effort by having the party at mcdonalds, or your local bowling alley, or jungle jims (or alternative) but it might work out a bit expensive ....... with 50 lol ..... i only ever had one party at home, and definitely preferred the alternatives .... the jungle jims thing, they only stopped running round for food and was so relaxing lol and me and a couple of other mums just sat round with a nice bottle of wine

regarding parents, i encouraged mine to move to spain ....... it's great

[Headfry]

Hi Tammy, wow girl, you sure have a lot on your plate! sadly I cant help, but do say.....you are trying so hard to please all others, how about them pleasing you? Tammy find some time for you. I know it's a lot more easy said than done, when you get through all this....make sure that you -Tammy- has some time out.
Love
HF
x

[Mikey]

ummm..... 50 children,...............BANG, that would be me heading for the door. Don't get me wrong I love children well my own and my immediate families. All others I could happily leave out in the rain. Harsh innit!!

I hope its dry for you and you have plenty of outdoor space, and that the parents aren't expecting it to be a creche where they drop them off and bu@@er off. Have you got games planned and who is running them, are your parents planning on helping, I think you need about a ratio of no more than 10 to 1, and better preferably. My big advise is don't worry about the parents that do hang around, tea and coffee and a couple of biccies should suffice, I made this mistake last birthday and spent far too much time entertaining the parents that I felt like I missed out on my DD b'day.

Preparation, lots of lists, and long nights, that's the key, have fun.

[lynda66]

oh yeah, regarding entertaining the parents, appoint one of the parents that are staying for tea duty ...... then you don't have to worry about them,

[kirsty b]

Going to echo the others Tammy, find time for You. You can't please all the people all the time I have discovered, and now those that know me best know that I can't be arsed even trying!!
If people can't take as they find its their problem.
I try to keep my house tidy now, (even though housekeeping has been a hard won skill not a natural one) so that I have time to do the stuff I like, not housework.

Flum's right, a thick skin is essential with MIL's and just parents in general.

[Finedon.Dandy]

50 kids for a party - you want your head read

Is there a doctor in the vine? I have done Brownies though so am used to a large number of mad kids!

Of course - you could make a list for your parents on what you want them to do - depends on how cheeky you are.

Remember to breathe - and I hope you've got some of the kids' parents coming to the party to help out.

Parents in law made sure we did give them a list - they did all that, played with the kids and more. My Mum will want to sit and read her book, Dad will want to watch tv and check his emails.

Plant your foxgloves and cosmos, they are living things and need our respect. I'm the sort who tends to blitz the house when people come but that's only because in between I let it get into a bit of a state. I can tolerate a very high level of chaos! My Mum used to come and say "I don't know how you can live like this." and that was AFTER Id' cleaned and tidied up! You need to be yourself - and other people need to know how important that is. Tell them, but gently, that what you do is important to your self esteem. They need to respect that.

I wish you well. You need to develop a thick skin, like I have!

Flumm - you are right about the plants- I wont let them suffer for the sake of what my Mum thinks is right or wrong. My Mum is always pointing out things I havent got around to so I do now wonder if I should bother going to a special effort. I have been thinking of pointing out to my Mum how much damge she does to my confidence - she is forever telling me I need to set aside time for myself and then in the next breath telling me I have to work harder at the housework stuff as "it doesnt come naturally"

How do you grow thick skin - does it need much water, food etc?!

i was going to suggest saving time and effort by having the party at mcdonalds, or your local bowling alley, or jungle jims

regarding parents, i encouraged mine to move to spain ....... it's great

Party is really simple - daughters dance teachers doing entertainment in our local hall (v cheap) and I am doing hot dogs (heated the kept warm in a slow cooker) and shop bought cakes, crisps etc Not even going to put chauirs out - they can sit on the floor!

Hi Tammy, wow girl, you sure have a lot on your plate! sadly I cant help, but do say.....you are trying so hard to please all others, how about them pleasing you? Tammy find some time for you. I know it's a lot more easy said than done, when you get through all this....make sure that you -Tammy- has some time out.
Love
HF
x

Once carnival is over I am taking a week off, followed by lots of days out with the kids in the summer hols.

I think you need about a ratio of no more than 10 to 1, and better preferably. My big advise is don't worry about the parents that do hang around, tea and coffee and a couple of biccies should suffice, Preparation, lots of lists, and long nights, that's the key, have fun.

I have mentioned to one or two parents I get on well with that a hand would be appreciated. The lists are being done now!

oh yeah, regarding entertaining the parents, appoint one of the parents that are staying for tea duty ...... then you don't have to worry about them,

I am putting a tea making stuff in kitchen - they can make it themselves if they want it!

I try to keep my house tidy now, (even though housekeeping has been a hard won skill not a natural one) so that I have time to do the stuff I like, not housework.

Thats what I have been trying to do - just wish Daniel wouldnt trash one room whilst I sort another!



Thanks for all your advice - am starting to relax and am so looking forward to it all, tomorrow especialy.

[lzyjo]

Ugh! I totally know how you feel! That's why I don't talk to either of my parents. DH is always pissed off by the nagging e-mails. MIL keeps nagging us to buy insurance! It's annoying even though I have never seen the in-laws in person. That's what parents are for, right? There's always something for them to nag about and criticize. They nag you to quit smoking, you do, and then they've got a fresh target on something else. Parents never seem to understand that's it OUR life, not THEIRS, and we'll run it as we want.

[jackie j]

I try very hard not to nag critizcise or hold anything else against any of my sons girlfriends /wives ex's or otherwise. and I dont think I do.
I always say to people who dont like the way I keep house ' you dont need to come again '
Be yourself not what your mum wants you to be, she has her own life to lead, point out to her that you are a grown woman with your own family and you will bring them up how you and your partner want to, she has brought you up and some things must have rubbed off on you.
Before you know it your children will be adults, my eldest will be 30 next year seems like yesterday he was a toddler.
Take care of yourself, put yourself first not your parents or inlaws.
hugs

[Pootle]

My Mum used to come and say "I don't know how you can live like this." and that was AFTER Id' cleaned and tidied up!

Ha ha! That's exactly what my MIL does to me - having realised that I can't possibly live up to her standards I just don't bother at all now...and she's happier because she really does have something to complain about!

There is that saying about 'only boring women have tidy homes' and that is the principle I work on, I've got far too many other things to be doing I'm afraid.

Plus it's a security measure. If a burgler breaks in he'll think we've already been turned over and go away again

[snuffer]

In Laws

Whenever I see my Mother in Law I am reminded of a line from Shakespeare's A Midsummer Nights Dream.

'Look how slow this old moon wanes! She lingers my desires, Like a stepdame or a dowager LONG WITHERING OUT A JOUNG MAN'S REVENUE.

She truly is the most offencive old hag you could hope to meet. She thinks of no one but herself. Last year the boy that delivers the papers in the morning was knocked down and seriously injured. When she was told, her only reply was 'Well I hope they find a replacement for tomorrow'

That just sums her up.

[squashysu]

Finedon,

try and enjoy the party with your kids, and i am sure they love you so much that if you had 5 kids and a small party they will certainly appreciate, do make time to have a cuppa though.

My mum could never critise me, or i would do one!! lol!!! she knows how hard i work so i am really lucky, my MIL isnt around anymore, she was a funny lady in her ways and even came and cleaned my loo when she visited, so i just let her, saved me a job!!

I do feel for you, totally, but dont worry it will soon be time for you to have a rest and eat cake xx