Dealing with depression

[groanathome]

Hi there all green fingered earthlings ... just a quick missive to ask any of you if you have any tips on how to help partner with post natal depression who has slid into a state of near isolation and withdrawal from reality ... slightly suicidal too ... tried cooking gorgeous meal tonight of basque chicken with lovingly grown pattypan squash baked in thyme & butter but to no avail ... still spitting feathers and blaming me for every shortcoming in her life including the supplying of the extremely viable seed that resulted in the arrival of gorgeous twin girls ... any suggestions will be gratefully received ...

[inca'smum]

I suffered from really bad PND after the birth of both of my girls. I spoke to health visitors etc but the thing that literally saved my life was getting into gardening. It started with a window box and a hanging basket and just sort of took off.(If someone had told me I would become an avid gardener I would have laughed in their face.) I also had the support of a wonderful husband, I was very cruel to him but he stuck with it and helped me out the other side. I know its hard but it will get better.

[Nicos]

Hi there - and welcome to the Vine!

Never had PND myself , but I understand that it is something which takes months to years to recover from.
Gardening is well known to help reduce depression- as is exercise, but only with medical support and tons and tons of support and understanding from you.
It's certainly not a quick fix condition, but every kindness you do will be remembered in the long run.
Depression is a nasty thing to have- and I imagine if it is hormone driven, it must be awful to suffer the massive swings which go with it.

Maybe your OH would like to join the Vine, and dip in when she feels like talking about gardening matters- she'll not be the first one on here who's not quite sure what the difference is between a hoe and a courgette!!!! ( actually- both can be weapons in the wrong hands!!!!!)
Company when needed is always a good thing- esp when not talking about medical matters! ( for both of you!)

I wish you and your family as speedy a recovery as possible.
One day you'll be able to look back with relief it's over, and enjoy your new family and joint hobby.

[JILLY JACKSON]

first ,congratulations on the twins!Sorry to hear about OH's depression i have a friend who had PND,she was the most fun character before her sons birth but the transformation after was ,well,horrific.With love and medication in time she reverted back to the lovely person we previously knew.I hope things get better very quickly for you both.

[di]

I think the toughest thing about PND is the guilt that goes with it~that you should be feeling overwhelming joy but instead you feel almost resentment instead.I think you should definately seek help from your GP,especially as you say she has had suicidal feelings.Also hard as it must be for you to watch her isolating herself for the time being don't put any pressure on her to go out.~Does she have any close friends that could come & spend some time with her?
I was so fortunate that I didn't suffer from PND myself but I did experience some quite bizarre "thoughts"that at times I felt quite unsettling,I wish that I'd chatted to people at the time as I later found that many new mums experience the same & at the time I felt I was odd & not the "ideal/perfect" mum that I'd anticipated I'd be.
We spend 9months building up our excitement,having huge expectations as to how wonderful it's all going to be,that when the baby actually arrives any negative feelings totally knock us for six.
I would second Nicos's idea to joining The Vine(although would it upset her that we've all been discussing her PND?),maybe there's a forum that someone could reccomend?It's an ideal way of not feeling isolated when you can't face going out & seeing real people.
Finally,make sure & take time out for you!I understand you want to be there for her & your babes but also it's a very tough time for you & dealing with it 24/7 you could risk bringing yourself down too! I know it probably all seems bleak now but as others have said she will get over this & you'll both be able to enjoy your little bundles together!All the best.x(how old are the twins?)

[Hans Mum]

I did suffer with PND and luckily my GP picked it up very early and got me help, yes I took medication and am not ashamed of that, and with the tablets and a fab GP, Health Visitor and family and friends I came through it, nothing you do on your own will help i'm sorry to say, your OH cant help how she feels and all the nice meals and pampering in the world wont make it go away without some additional help......sorry but you have to get her (& ultimately you and your babes) some professional help...please make yourself an appointment at the GP and tell them your family needs help..... its there for the asking - it iwll get better...all the best and take care

[jackie j]

Hi and welcome to the vine congratulations on the twins. I have never suffered from PND but you should go and see your GP and on your own would be fine to start with if your oh wont go. Be there for her, which I am sure you are, get help from anyone who is willing for the housework or whatever needs doing, dont be afraid to ask inlaws friends etc they will understand if you tell them whats wrong.
Also get help for you. Dont let anyone be negative around her or say 'pull yourself together' cos thats the worst thing to say to anyone.
Best wishes to all of you. We are here to help, have a moan to us if you need to that what friends are for. Take care

[SlugLobber]

Haven't got kiddies, but I have suffered 'regular' depression. The best thing for me was exercise, so gardening, walking, just getting out and about. Sorry to say it did take nagging from my OH, sometimes, as when you're depressed, all you want to do is climb into bed and stay there, permanently.

I second Jackie's suggestion about getting help for the house-work. If she likes cats, look up Simon's Cat on YouTube. Laughter is the best medicine!

Hope she's ok soon. She's a lucky lady to have someone who cares so much.

[yoanbob]

Hello groanathome, welcome to the vine. Congrats on your twins.

I suffer from "normal" depression and have done on and off since I was about 11.
its a long road but there is hope, I'm with Jackie on the house work thing but be carefull that this doesnt add to her guilt, maybe get a proffesional rather than family.
First thing is to get help from your GP, there are lots of antidepressants out there and the new ones dont carry the same addictive quality that people usually associate with them, its not a quick fix, it will still take a few months for her to begin to feel better. The sooner you get help the better, they may put her in touch with a councilor to help her work through her feelings and or a group, my hospital has a group meeting every wednesday and you can go and chat or just do some painting or whatever, the activities are great and it helps to know your not alone, she may need your help to get her there as the last thing you want to do is go out and meet new people.

Try and get a babysitter and take her out to the park for a gentle stroll, getting some excercise and being outdoors help a lot, you will need to coax her though as she wont want to go and you need to do it regulaly.

try and get one of her friends to go swimming with her once a week or somthing else she enjoys, again she wont want to go to start with but after a couple of weeks she will look forward to it.

take time out for yourself, its very hard to cope with somone who has depression and if you start to get down and frustrated it will add to her guilt.

dont expect a miracle cure, there isnt one but with your help she will recover just give her your love and support and get some help.

good luck!

take care

[squashysu]

hi and welcome to the vine

I had PND and I also have twins and suffered after having them as well! (mine are boy and girl) congrats on the twins, they are hard work and no one can tell you that until you have them, mine were great babies, but sometimes you feel like you are dealing with 6 babies all at once.

You sound like a loving, caring partner and someone who your OH can be so proud of and grateful for. My OH never understood my PND, so you are over the first hurdle.

All the advise above has been fantastic, i havent read them all thoroughly, so sorry anyone if i readvise.....

Has your OH been to the Dr? It took me ages to admit that i was ill and when i did the Dr gave me anti-depressants, i am one of those anti-drug takers, as some in my family are hypocondriacs! so i try and go without, but this is something i would really really suggest. they took time to work, but they did work.

Something, else that made me know that i was PND was that it wasnt the babies i was against, but myself!! i felt paranoia and didnt want to go out, plus it was hard work, i felt my friends were against me, no one could help me or do it better than i could! i am independent anyway, but got worse! i still suffer from paranoia (once a month) but then it does subside, my house was immaculate, the babies were and so was i, but i was a mess inside.

there is an internet site, i would totally recommend and dont know if i am allowed to post it on here, so will send you a PM with it on, but there are other mums out there and also dads that are stuggling with PND and your wife can meet other people with the same symptons and situations and this could be a support for her.

Please dont let it carry on, see the GP, i lost a friend through PND, she eventually committed suicide, she tried to take her own life over a total of 12 years and was sectioned for months on end, but she never got over the PND and unfortunately last year she lost her will to live and was found hung in her house

I so hope that you and your wife can beat this, as I am sure you will, she is a very lucky lady to have a caring partner and gorgeous babies, but she isnt seeing it like that at the moment.

Take care

SS

[SueA]

It must be awful for both of you that you can't relax & enjoy the babies but I doubt if you can relax at all with twins under normal circumstances. I hope your partner has seen her G.P. & is getting help & understands that it's not her fault or your fault - it's mainly hormones. If you can get someone to babysit try & get her to go out with you just for some fresh air, a walk in the countryside or seaside for an hour or so. If she can get an appointment with a counseller that will help as they're there to listen & not judge & it might help her to get things off her chest to someone impartial. Hope everything works out for you & keep trying to be supportive, it will get better in the end.

[marigold007]

I'd get on google, find & call or email a specialist in PND, and get an appointment ASAP.

[Starchild]

Let the GP and/or health visitor know as soon as possible.

[quark1]

Firtsly - congrats to all of you on the enlarged family - no mean feat!

Definitely seek professional help.

Your OH may not like it but, if necessary, she should be 'taken' to docs in first instance. There is a terrible stigma against all forms of mental health issues and shame by the person who is the victim of this debilitating and 'unseen' illness is no small hurdle to overcome. Your OH will feel what society 'think' she should feel at this time - joy and elation at the birth of your twins - but because hormones and other things have gotten well on top her the opposite is likely now.

Since my son was just 17 he has experienced many problems in this area - including suicidal thoughts (and actions) - and I've learnt that no matter how much a close relative knows their son, daughter, wife, partner - there comes a time when for all concerned the only option is for professional intervention. Very often to save the life of that loved one. The sooner the help arrives - the sooner the recovery. In your wife's case it may just be the hormonal imbalance which is the cause - and time plus possibly some chemical intervention will see off the condition. If the pregnancy has released an underlying condition then it may need more long term help - in whatever form/s the GP decides.

If things get really bad - and I mean more 'serious' - please PM me and I'll be happy to share some guidelines which I had to resort to. I don't really want to reveal too much of my son's troubles in a public arena - although, thankfully, he is no longer ashamed by his illness - he is still stigmatised by it 5 years on.

I wish you both and the twins a speedy recovery for the mum.

[MaureenHall]

Has she actually acknowledged herself that she's got PND? That's the first hurdle really, accepting that you're not "right". Depression of any kind is an imbalance of "something" in the brain, and it is an illness, just as a dose of pneumonia is an illness, they both need medical help to get better. At one time, 1968 when I had my second baby and had PND, it was a taboo subject, something to be ashamed of, and I got very little help from my GP. In 1977 when I had a stillborn baby everyone assumed that I would have PND but I didn't, I was just so sad and very angry, but I still had antidepressants thrust upon me. Today, GP's, Health Visitors & Midwives are much more geared up to help new mums (and dads) so please do ask them for help.
I do wish you both well, and many congratulations on your beautiful babies