My Son Has Lost His Job

[jackie j]

My youngest son will be 21 in October and he has lost his job again, the trouble is he isnt very willing, I can see what the problem is but he cant.
I wouldnt employ him so how do I get the message across.
He lives at his grandparents house with them his dad, brother and future sister in law.
He went to college and did performing arts and still takes part in a local drama group, he wanted to go further but cant afford to, he is very good at art but doesnt see this as his future.
He has been working as a barman /waiter in a couple of local pubs but he phone's up regulary with stupid excuses as to why he cant go in, he talks too much to customers especially people he knows.
He has long hair but ties this back when working, he is very tall and skinny, his clothes dont get washed very often and neither does he, I'm surprised he has a girlfriend.
I would love for him to have a makeover but I cant afford that ( I dont have a problem with men and long hair if it is kept nice) and to have someone help him find something he would love to do. Or do I just ignore the problem and let him get on with it.
Any help on this would be very much appreciated.

[Johnny Appleseed]

Really sorry to hear that jackie - this is a very complex issue and a hard one to resolve.

Your concern for him shines through in your post but you've summed up the feelings of any prospective employer in the first line - "He isn't very willing" - you can see the problem but he can't.

There isn't a magic fix for this until he wants to do something about it. Until he has a change of heart and really wants something he will lack motivation. Can you get someone he respects / a friend or local businessman to have a heart to heart with him and discuss his outlook and attitude?

What does he really enjoy doing? Is there a way forward with anything there perhaps?

The sobering fact is with the current state of the economy - many employers are reducing staff numbers and there are many willing applicants looking for work standing right behind him. He is in danger of being left behind unless he changes his approach to life.

I can see your concern and I wish you well, but something has to change within him to fire up a different attitude and motivate him. Sincere best wishes with this - it must be a big worry to you.

[milly2306]

sorry to hear that your son lost his job. my son is 28 now and up until last year i despaired of him ever keeping a job or finding a nice girl. he too had long hair, clothes not washed enough or himself come to that, he also lived with his dad. he drifted from one dead end job to another, always broke/drunk/high on something. this year he has met a lovely girl, got himself a job and they have moved in together. my sons problem was he has a bad stammer , his teeth were in a bad way and basically he had no self confidence. he went to budapest and had his teeth done and he now has a hollywood smile and his confidence is at an all time high. he seems to have got himself sorted now but my point is that he never told me how he was feeling about his appearance and his stammer so maybe your son has a problem that he isn't sharing with anyone? every grey hair in my head ( and under the dye there are millions) my son has given me, but thankfully he seems ok now. perhaps a chat with him and you might find out if there is an underlying problem he isn't sharing. my love and best wishes for you and your son.
xxxmillyxxx

[Mikey]

Until you move out of home, and out from parental protection, you will never appreciate it. As long as he remains where he is, he is unlikely to change, sometimes a kick up the backside is what is required, though it really needs to come from his dad not you. Is his dad on your side in this?

[Johnny Appleseed]

Milly makes a very good point her post in case there may be an underlying reason for his behaviour.

I was thinking more along the lines of how a prospective employer would view him and what "first impressions" your son would make on them.

Looks like the time for some positive thinking and heart to heart talking. It won't be easy - but it's the only way to move things on I feel. Sincere best wishes jackie

[Rhona]

I was fantastically useless at that age. I had zero sense of responsibility; thought my mum was mainly there to give me money, and was rubbish at almost every job I tried to do, largely because the job was cr*p and totally unchallenging.

Your son probably makes excuses about going into work because it's boring and he'd rather be doing something else. He sound bright and capable of doing his own thing, and I'm sure he will, but many 21 year olds aren't brilliantly motivated. Does he get The Stage? How about harnessing some of that dramatic talent and going to some of the auditions in there; maybe joining an extras agency? Bring in cash and would no doubt appeal more than a bar job.

He'll be fine - he's just sorting himself out and hopefully, he'll find his confidence soon. 21 is so young and there are so many pressures.

Good luck to you both - he's probably got a girlfriend because you made him into a lovely son, regardless of his clothes and current job stuff.


p.s.

Re: the clothes thing... though I never had a problem keeping myself and my clothes nice and clean, my poor mother must have shuddered as she saw me go out in a black ballet tutu, fingerless gloves and a silver turban. To a job interview. My late teens and early 20's were 'interesting', clothes-wise... so there's definately hope for your son...

[jackie j]

On the whole he is bright, not a violent bone in his body, doesnt smoke, take drugs or drink to excess in fact he hardly leaves his room for anything. He lived with me and my OH untill he was 18 then moved to his grandparents as they have a large house split into two flats, then his dad split with his 2nd wife and he moved in as well.
He lacks confidence and I know why, its because he doesnt get on with my OH and they never have I'm ashamed almost to say that most of this is my fault for not listening to my kids about him although not violent to them he didnt take to them very well partly because of his own upbringing not I might add that, that makes it right. My sons and he get on better now but there is always an atmosphere when OH is around.
Son no 2 ( i have four ) was the one I always thought would give me real problems but he is the one who is most settled. The boys have all tried to talk to son no 4 but with little or no effect, his dad was never there for them after we split up and as he was the youngest at 4 yrs old it affected him the most. They spent every other weekend at their grandparents supposdly with dad but he was always absent he never took them on any sort of holiday or outing and got away with paying little towards their keep, christmas and birthday's they got £20 from him, in fact one of them asked for money to buy his parents a christmas present so he gave him £2 and deducted that from his christmas money. To say we dont get on even though we were married for 18 yrs is an understatment, the boys understand now they are older but when they were young I tried to be polite in front of them and not say a bad word about him.
I feel like I have let them down they are all struggling as are most kids of their age.
As my dad died when I was 6yrs old I didnt have a male role model around so its hard to know what to do. I brought them up to be kind and considerate to others and they all support me now in times of need.
I am very proud of them as they are good kids ( well adults )

[di]

Jackie I'm sure they don't feel that you've let them down.Mine are still only little but the biggest thing i've learnt is there's no such hting as a perfect parent~we do the best we can but can possibly never live up to the expectations we had when they were babes!
Sounds like you're a very loving mum & you say yourself that they are all kind & considerate.Well Done!
I hate thinking back to my teens/early 20's~I know I put my mum thru a lot~both appearances & constant itchy feet with jobs!I just wasn't ready to settle down & conform.Best wishes to you that things will workout o.k.Sounds like he needs lots of ego pampering & maybe a chat to someone re what he'd like to be doing.x

[di]

p.s.

Re: the clothes thing... though I never had a problem keeping myself and my clothes nice and clean, my poor mother must have shuddered as she saw me go out in a black ballet tutu, fingerless gloves and a silver turban. To a job interview. My late teens and early 20's were 'interesting', clothes-wise... so there's definately hope for your son...

Did you get the job?
I went for a nanny interview with pink & purple dreads~much to my mums disgrace!~but you know what~got the job!& after 6 months was made legal guardian for 3 months as the mum had to go to war.

[squashysu]

Jackie, i think it is our legal right to wirry about our kids, as mothers would LOL, my mum still worries about me and i am 40 been married 16 years and have 3 of my own! Its in our blood to worry and protect our kids.

All i can add is that, with a caring. loving mum like you, he will one day wake up and say "i can do this" and hopefully he will realise his dream and all will fall into place for him, not that, that will ever stop you worrying and nurturing your kids.

Bigs hugs to you jackie xx

[jackie j]

I just seem to go from one crisis to another lol.

[Comfreyfan]

Jackie, you do seem to be going through it at the moment. I do really feel for you. I worried myself sick about my son. He never had an aim in life and just seemed to drift, he always had a job and supported himself, but there was nothing in his jobs to make him happy. Then when he was 24, out of the blue, he decided to take himself back to college and get a horticulture qualification, now 3 years later he has a gardening job and seems so much happier. Some are just late bloomers Jackie and take a bit longer to settle, just keep loving and encouraging him. It's painful when that's all we can do, but he's an adult and making his own mistakes now. Of course we can always offer advice/suggestions any chance we get!!

[Cloud]

Well at least your son had a job to loose.My son number 2 won't even get off his A*** and get one!!!!

[bubblewrap]

I'm nearer 60 than 59 hair well over shoulders beard 3" long+appearance scruffy
(many hours down allotment)It does not matter what I look like as I Have had only one interview in 3 years(went clean,smart(ish) & hair tied back)
I have contacted 50 + employers in that time.
But as soon as they see my CV & see how old I am...........................
no chance.
Still on the bright side more time for the lottie.

[bluemoon]

Our youngest daughter wanted to join the police force (still does) so began a course in Public Service at the local college. A three year course, the first year is a stand alone qualification, years 2 and 3 are a further qualification. After year one she decided that the course was not what she wanted and, as joining the police does not require the course, she left. The force do like you to be a little older though (she's 19) and have some life experience, so a job and perhaps some voluntary work appeared to be the logical thing, but since then she's had so many jobs I've lost count, she just can't seem to settle anywhere and the family joke now is that she's repeating her gap year. Like you I worry, especially as my other kids just seemed to slot into college and jobs without any problems. It's difficult to know what to do so I've tried everything; ignoring it, nagging, encouragement, nothing helps. In the end I think she'll just have to sort it out herself. I'm sure she will, but I really wish she'd hurry up about it.