Family Feud

[jackie j]

My OH and his brother fell out over 20 years ago and before my time, my OH was completly to blame and over the years has tried to appologise but his brother is having none of it. Their parents have asked my OH to try again which he has, recently at a family christening he asked his brother if they could meet, his brother said probably but we have had a letter saying under no circumstances does he want anything to do with us. I know this hurts my OH as he would like to make amends whats done is done and you cant turn back the clock. It will also hurt his parents as we have always had to miss out on family gatherings because of this including inlaws golden wedding as bil got married again on that day.
I know bil doesnt want to rake up the past but surely for his parents and the rest of the family's sake he could try and forgive and forget, as I said OH was in the wrong and he accepts this. They would like to see them reunited before they die.
I come from a very close family and we have always made up when one has done something wrong and I suppose I feel this more as I lost one of my sisters last year.
There is only the two of them so no one else to share this with.
If you have fallen out with a loved one try and make up because life is far too short to hold grudges.

[Polly Fouracre]

My Ma and Fa parted brass rags when I was sixteen but they still managed to smile(or bare their teeth!!) at each other when necessary.
This saved upsetting other people. Point this out to your brother-in-law and ask him, pleasantly ,to keep his feelings hidden at least for the day.

[quark1]

If mediation/intervention perhaps by yourself or other family members to try and get your bil at least to listen to your OH -he has made his attempt to apologise and put things right. Of course we cannot judge the depth of ill-feeling between the 2 men or its causes and it would not be right for us to be told in public. Is there anyone else that you can talk to on his side who would be sympathetic and perhaps give him that extra push he needs to meet half-way - if only to maintain a civilised public disposition for the sake of the other family members.

I don't mean this flippantly - but it could be one for Jeremy Kyle!

Hope you can get things sorted amongst yourselves.

[Nicos]

Are you able to talk things over with his wife? Just quietly and treading gently.
I sometimes think that someone close can present a case more tenderly-esp as they know the other person better than you.
Maybe she supports him, but she may be prepared to open her mind to hearing what you have to say.????

[jackie j]

Their parents have tried to reconcile them my OH wants to but bil is adamant, His dad especially has tried they leave it to OH and i'm not sure what has been said to bil by them.
We are now able to see the niece and nephew but only because they are now 24 and 25years old this was not possible before. Our daughter doesnt see her uncle very often she has been invited to things and we have not but have let her go with grandparents, the only people that know what happened are the ones that were involved and spouses non of the kids know and that is how it will remain.
As we dont have an address or phone number we cant contact them except through the parents.
As I wasnt involved at the time nor was his currant wife I dont see it as my place to discuss things with her and again I have no contact number.
My OH feels very strongly about this and as he is the eldest and his mess so to speak he feels its his place to sort it out but I dont think his brother will ever come to terms with what happened I feel that if he doesnt think about it the problem will go away but that is not the case, it will taunt him for the rest of his life until he puts the demon to sleep. He says he has shut my OH out of his life and if asked he doesnt have a brother.
I think we are on our own here god knows what will happen when one of the parents die will my OH not be able to go to the funeral just because they dont get on. We see quite a bit of the inlaws and there is no aminosity between any of us.

[quark1]

Jackie - have sent pm regarding a possible trace?

[Farmer_Gyles]

i've disowned my biological parents and siblings - they never really did anything for me or my kids anyway, and life is so much easier without them - life is far too short to spend it struggling to get on with family ............

[Headfry]

Remember you OH has a much right to be part of his parents life and in (sadly) death to. Why on earth should he not go (sorry to be morbid here)
It's ok not to get on but they should also be able to be in each other company for the sake of others close by. Sorry to be harsh but Bil needs to grow up a little, he his hurting many people along his way!
I do not know the problem or its cause but for the sake of family please try and agree to some kind of truce when it comes to family matters.
My love to you all
HF x

[jackie j]

You would think after 20 years two men who are in their 50's could get on, more so when they are brothers. I dont expect them to be bossom buddies but hey come on.

[Nicos]

I don't know...maybe your OH and his parents should allow the brother to do his own thing.
We all like to live in an ideal world . Your OH has publicly admitted his error and although it's every parents dream that their offspring all get on, it's not realistic.

As for not going to the same family gatherings...I agree with Headfry and jackie j ...each brother is entitled to be there- and should attend if they wish, but not create a difficult atmosphere for the rest of the family.That's called showing respect for others.

[bluemoon]

I agree with Farmer Gyles. Leave them to it. My OH hasn't spoken to his sister since 1982 and I doubt he ever will. His parents took her side and, although we have had minimal contact with the parents since, they haven't been part of our family. It's their loss, their Grandchildren despise them and they've never seen two of their three Great-grandchildren (and they only saw the third because we bumped into them at an event whilst he was with us). Their idea of what constitutes a family is very different from ours, they have completely different values and, although I do think that children should be aware of their origins, I was rather relieved that these people were not around to have any influence upon my own kids.
I did try to build a few bridges last March when OH was 50 and suggested that we invite his Mother (his Dad is now deceased) to the meal our children had organised, but the kids said that if she came they wouldn't so obviously that idea didn't go anywhere. Ultimately these people made their own decisions and the fact that news of their grandfather's death was met with indifference by our children is a sad testament to his rather pathetic life. There are members of our family who genuinely love the children though and I always think they're much better to have had a reduced family who cared than to have clung on to extended ties with these people.

[JanieB]

There are major rifts in both my family and my ex-husbands. My children try to play mediator. The reasons are stupid and based on misconceptions that are regarded as truth. As the people involved have decided that what someone said is fact, they refuse to listen to what really happened.

After the recent death of my mother, I'm now reconciled with my sister, but she will never, ever speak to our brother again. I'm stuck as piggy in the middle.

My ex won't speak to me over a letter sent by my firm of solicitors without my knowledge or permission.

We have been friends since primary school, and were still friends after our divorce. I still can't believe a legal company destroyed a friendship (relationship) of 40 years !

[Cloud]

I fell out with my parents over 10 years ago and haven't spoken to them since and thats the way I like it!

[maytreefrannie]

Jackie, it looks like you and your OH have extended the olive branch and I feel if your bil doesn't accept it, that's up to him.

My suggestion would be, if he wants nothing to do with his brother (your OH), the one thing you and OH can do is to think peacefully and send peaceful thoughts to him. I know it sounds daft and new-ageish and might not do anything - but, in the event that he's remaining 'stuck' in his attitude, it's a way towards some peace of mind for you and it's something that can be done without putting yourselves out there again for another possible rejection.

I don't know if the above is so muddled that it's impossible to understand, it's hard to explain what I mean, hopefully it's clear enough.

I feel it's OK for people to fall out, even decide they don't want anything to do with someone (or each other) but I agree with the posters who say that shouldn't stop everyone going to family gatherings if they wish. They don't have to hug each other, they can keep their distance, just treat themselves and everyone with respect.

[Stacey Steve]

Sometimes things do run just too deep for reconciliation but perhaps your BiL would agree to truce days on family occassions, he hasn't got to be best of mates or anything but just act civilly so as not to involve other members of the family.

My OH and her brother haven't spoken for years. I did used to pester her to try and get the hatchet buried but he has olways just told her to FO. It was particularly difficult when their mother died as a sister who arranged the funeral had them booked to sit in the same car. He had to be threatened that he was not to cause a fuss on that occasion.

My brother and myself while we would look out for each other where third parties were concerned, we could not be left in the same room for any length of time without physically fighting.

When our Mum died he came to the UK for the funeral and I told him we needed to go off to a pub and sit down and sort things out. I fully expected there to be a fight but as we were both highly charged due to Mum, we kept the peace and started to talk things over. It turned out that the majority of our problems were due to misunderstandings and where other people had told lies to each of us to cause a rift.

He is back in Canada and now we ring each other every week, we have never been so close yet so far away. What a waste of all those years.