When to Reply

[nelliegemini]

I've wondered about replying recently, being new around here. But I think Bridie is right a simple reply will let people know you are thinking of them or praying and that can do no harm.

Sometimes being new here with so many knowing each other so well, I thought 'well they don't want my sympathy when they don't know me' and it seemed almost cheeky (not the right word) - a bit like jumping on the bandwagon.

But thinking about it I agree with the above, I am unable to understand some of the dreadful things that happen to people here, and how they cope. If I have experienced the same I have posted in the past but it seemed wrong to send a comforting post when I had no experience myself. But on second thoughts as was said previously, if you're thinking about whether to post then you're thinking about the person involved, and should tell them.

Sorry to waffle.

[Alison]

Personally I'd never post sad personal details on here as that's not how I cope with things like that but we're all different. I work on the principal that if people post personal things on here then they are wanting a response and those who feel most able will respond accordingly. It will vary who's about but it seems to usually work OK. If they didn't want people to respond then they wouldn't post and I expect people's intent usually comes through well.

[SueA]

I've been moved to tears quite a few times on here even though I don't really 'know' the people concerned & only have 'virtual' contact with them. It does sometimes feel like hollow words when you reply to a thread where someone has opened their heart up but I'm sure it helps some to know that people are thinking of them in some way.

[JanieB]

Personally I'd never post sad personal details on here as that's not how I cope with things like that but we're all different. I work on the principal that if people post personal things on here then they are wanting a response and those who feel most able will respond accordingly. It will vary who's about but it seems to usually work OK. If they didn't want people to respond then they wouldn't post and I expect people's intent usually comes through well.

Sometimes it's not about that. By telling peeps on here that I'm a widow it stops them inadvertently putting their foot in it. Same as in any social situation. I still have the odd occasion when I have to tell and old friend or acquaintance that Brian died.

I'm very grateful for sympathy and support when sent by anyone on the net, but I have support from my family and friends as well.

[BrideXIII]

Sometimes it's not about that. By telling peeps on here that I'm a widow it stops them inadvertently putting their foot in it. Same as in any social situation. I still have the odd occasion when I have to tell and old friend or acquaintance that Brian died.

I'm very grateful for sympathy and support when sent by anyone on the net, but I have support from my family and friends as well.

you kinda get the nack when you belong to several forums, I alwys mention in passing early on, that i am divorced/on my own, and have been for a long time, saves all those awkward questions for people, like ............can't you get your OH to dig it over?

[piskieinboots]

.... saves all those awkward questions for people, like ............can't you get your OH to dig it over?

assuming 'people' have better memories than me

[Hans Mum]

assuming 'people' have better memories than me

i suffer from that too

[HeyWayne]

Hey, a problem shared is a problem halved.

For me I tend to find it difficult not reverting to humour. I use humour in the "real world" most of the time to diffuse or comfort, but it's a lot easier when you can read someone in the flesh - you know, body language and such.

I'm often conscious that my humour on here may be taken the wrong way, and that I might be seen as making light of a situation, but that is never the case let me assure you.

I'm a member of a few forums, but none have the sense of community and togetherness that this place has. I've been here about 18 months now, but still consider myself as a bit new - mainly because I know chuff all about gardening (comparatively speaking).

If it feels right, do it.

[yoanbob]

I have been on the recieving end of support from the grapes and its great, we all have gardening in common but apart from that we dont really know each other, somtimes its nice to put your worries in to writing and its also nice to recieve peoples thoughts and virtual hugs, its also nice to share lifes good things, I agree with alison, if people didnt want you to comment they wouldnt use the forum, as long as its well intentioned it will be taken that way.

[BrideXIII]

Hey, a problem shared is a problem halved.

For me I tend to find it difficult not reverting to humour. I use humour in the "real world" most of the time to diffuse or comfort, but it's a lot easier when you can read someone in the flesh - you know, body language and such.

I'm often conscious that my humour on here may be taken the wrong way, and that I might be seen as making light of a situation, but that is never the case let me assure you.

I'm a member of a few forums, but none have the sense of community and togetherness that this place has. I've been here about 18 months now, but still consider myself as a bit new - mainly because I know chuff all about gardening (comparatively speaking).

If it feels right, do it.

It would also be pretty boring if all we talked about was gardening, much as we are all mad about it, it does help to flesh out the characters on here when you get to know a bit more about them in general ( not just any problems they may have).

[nelliegemini]

Hey, a problem shared is a problem halved.

For me I tend to find it difficult not reverting to humour. I use humour in the "real world" most of the time to diffuse or comfort, but it's a lot easier when you can read someone in the flesh - you know, body language and such.

I'm often conscious that my humour on here may be taken the wrong way

Not that I've noticed hun, but it is a problem with any sort of conversation not held to face to face or voice to voice. You can pick up so much from body language and tone of voice, and I know I can be flippant (and last night slightly the worse for wear), and can write something wrongly or use the wrong words.

[moggssue]

I've been thinking abuout this one, reading all the replies, and I think I agree that in the main people post threads because they want a bit of support, or someone to tell them things will be okay. Those really close to us sometimes can't do that, or we don't want to burden them. But also I think there are times when people just want 'us' (the grapevine community) to know that all is not well in their world, so we give them a little leeway and lattitude and avoid treading on tender toes.

I wouldnt necessarily post about very personal and/or upsetting issues on here but that doesnt mean I cant sympathise or offer a little support to those who do.

I reply when I feel it appropriate - if I come to the thread in good time and feel genuine sympathy. Sometimes I feel really bad that I've found one of these threads late and then feel I don't want to reopen it. As has been said before, I guess we each need to take a value judgement and if we feel it right to show sympathy and support then go right ahead.

[marigold007]

I'd feel more comfortable posting more personal stuff on a board that wasn't connected to a media outlet/business. But, that's just me. That being said, there would be more accountability in the public sector if one was abused verbally, etc. on such a forum as this, so perhaps it's safer to vent here. I've been on some pretty crummy private forums. I'm sorry if I haven't wished someone well on here. I usually only post things like that if I have at one time or another felt some connection or have something useful to say to the person that someone else hasn't said. I must say though that one thread lately seemed more like a public hanging and I didn't want to get caught in the memesis, group dynamics and all. If someone doesn't post, there could be a variety of reasons, so don't jump to any premature conclusions. Just my 2 pence.

[flowerofshona]

This is like a 'family' and we share the good and the bad.
I only have a brother left and only a few true friends, when i found out i had cancer i needed to run somewhere, it was not this board but another one i have been on for many years, i have met many on the board and two of them travelled many miles to support me and my hubby the day of my opereation and the messages on the board kept me going and smiling.
If you feel you have nothing to add or the subject hurts or you have no idea what to say a hug goes a long way
We talk about all of life on here and to some this is their place to 'run to' for that hug and comforting words be it a birth a death or just a good rant is this not what life is all about ????

[squashysu]

Hey, a problem shared is a problem halved.

For me I tend to find it difficult not reverting to humour. I use humour in the "real world" most of the time to diffuse or comfort, but it's a lot easier when you can read someone in the flesh - you know, body language and such.

I'm often conscious that my humour on here may be taken the wrong way, and that I might be seen as making light of a situation, but that is never the case let me assure you.

I'm a member of a few forums, but none have the sense of community and togetherness that this place has. I've been here about 18 months now, but still consider myself as a bit new - mainly because I know chuff all about gardening (comparatively speaking).

If it feels right, do it.

i totally agree with HW - mind you i didnt think you have ever been that funny

seriously, i have met some lovely people on here (you know who you are!!) and i will honestly say that i now call that one particular person my friend x

it is hard sometimes i have to think hard what to put or just send my best wishes because i dont know what to put, i have shared some not so great moments on here and everyone was lovely xx