Christmas jokes

[Nicos]

No matter how daft!!!!



Shopping For A Turkey

It was Christmas Eve in a supermarket and a woman was anxiously picking over the last few remaining turkeys in the hope of finding a large one.

In desperation she called over a shop assistant and said "Excuse me. Do these turkeys get any bigger?"

"No" he replied, "They're all dead".

[Nicos]

What do you call an old snowman?
Water!


What do you sing at a snowman’s birthday party?
Freeze a jolly good fellow!


What goes “oh, oh, oh”?
Santa walking backwards!


Knock knock!
Who’s there?
Snow.
Snow who?
Snow use – I’ve forgotten my name again!


Why does Santa have three gardens?
So he can ho ho ho!

[jacob marley]

One snowman says to another snowman can you smell Carrot's

[Nicos]

http://website.lineone.net/~mystacy/...at_Fish-1s.jpg

[Nicos]

The Puppies Before Christmas

It's the day before Christmas
And all through the house
The puppies are squeaking
An old rubber mouse.

The wreath which had merrily
Hung on the door
Is scattered in pieces
All over the floor.

The stockings that hung
In a neat little row
Now boast a hole in
Each one of the toes.

The tree was subjected
To bright-eyed whims,
And now, although splendid,
It's missing some limbs.

I catch them and hold them.
"Be good", I insist.
They lick me, then run off
To see what they've missed.

And now as I watch them
The thought comes to me,
That theirs is the spirit
That Christmas should be.

Should children and puppies
Yet show us the way,
And teach us the joy
That should come with this day?

Could they bring the message
That's written above,
And tell us that, most of all
Christmas is love.

[Nicos]

The Cat's Night Before Christmas

'Twas the night before Christmas,
and all through the house,
Not a creature was stirring,
not even a mouse.

'Cuz the cat had pounced on him,
and tore him apart,
Ate his mousey intestines,
And chewed up his heart.

Kitty thought he heard sleighbells,
which made him take pause,
He stopped daintily licking,
the blood from his claws.

"Must be Santa" thought Kitty,
(that quite clever cat),
'Cuz nobody else climbs down,
the chimney like that.

Indeed it was ol' Santa,
so jolly and fat,
With a load of presents,
and all for the cat!

"Wow, the best Christmas ever!",
Kitty thought with a purr,
Then he coughed up a hairball,
and shed some more fur.

[Nicos]

and for over 18's only....

Snow Family - A Fun Christmas Page From The Laughline

[Nicos]

What do snowmen wear on their heads ?
Ice caps !

Why was Cinderella such a poor football player ?
She had a pumpkin for a coach !

What did the eskimos sing when they got there Christmas dinner ?
"Whalemeat again, don't know where, don't know when " !

What did Adam say on the day before Christmas ?
It's Christmas, Eve !

How many chimney does Father Christmas go down ?
Stacks !

[Nicos]

Just got to include this one!!


How to cook a turkey

1. Go buy a turkey.
2. Take a drink of whiskey (scotch) or Jack Daniels.
3. Put turkey in the oven.
4. Take another 2 drinks of whiskey.
5. Set the degree at 375 ovens
6. Take 3 more whiskeys of drink.
7. Turn oven the on.
8. Take 4 whisks of drinky.
9. Turk the bastey.
10. Whiskey another bottle of get.
11. Stick a turkey in the thermometer
12. Glass yourself a pour of whiskey.
13. Bake the whiskey for 4 hours.
14. Take the oven out of the turkey.
15. Take the oven out of the turkey.
16. Floor the turkey up off of the pick.
17. Turk the carvey.
18. Get yourself another scottle of botch.
19. Tet the sable and pour yourself a glass of turkey.
20. Bless the saying, pass and eat out

[FROSTYFRECKLE]

Cheesey jokes are the best. Any more?

[Nicos]

Plenty!!!

Anyone else got some????

[smallblueplanet]

Err I was just on Paid To Shop and saw these - not xmassy I'm afraid and probably old but....

Imagine if all major retailers started making their own condoms and kept the same tag-line...

Sainsbury Condoms - making life taste better
Tesco Condoms - every little helps
**** Condoms - Just do it.

Peugeot Condoms - The ride of your life.
Galaxy Condoms - Why have rubber when you can have silk.
KFC Condoms - Finger licking good.
Minstrels Condoms -melt in your mouth, not in your hands.
Safeway Condoms - Lightening the load.

Abbey National condoms - because life is complicated enough.
Coca Cola condoms - The real thing.
Ever Ready condoms - keep going and going.
Pringles condoms - once you pop, you cant stop

Burger King Condoms - Home of the whopper
Goodyear Condoms - for a longer ride go wide
FCUK condoms - no comment required.
Muller light condoms - so much pleasure, but where's the pain.

Halfords condoms - we go the extra mile.
Royal Mail condoms - I saw this and thought of you.
Andrex condoms - Soft, strong and very very long
Renault condoms - size really does matter!

Ronseal condoms - does exactly what it says on the tin
Ronseal quick-drying condoms - its dry and waterproof in 30 minutes
Domestos condoms - gets right under the rim!!! (Please)

Heineken condoms - reaches parts that other condoms just cannot reach
Carlsberg condoms - probably the best condom in the world
AA Condoms - for the 4th emergency service
Pepperami condoms - it's a bit of an animal
Polo condoms - the condom with the hole!!!

[jackie j]

Why does Father Christmas need an umberella ?





























Because of the rain dear. !!! doh

[Comfreyfan]

Christmas Cake Recipe

Ingredients:

* 2 cups flour,* 1 stick butter,* 1 cup of water,* 1 tsp baking soda,* 1 cup of sugar,* 1 tsp salt,* 1 cup of brown sugar,* Lemon juice,* 4 large eggs,* Nuts,* 2 cups of dried fruit
* 1 bottle wine


Sample the wine to check quality. Take a large bowl, check the wine again. To be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink. Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar. Beat again. At this point it's best to make sure the wine is still OK. Try another cup... Just in case. Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break 2 eggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.

Pick the fruit up off floor. Mix on the turner.. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers just pry it loose with a drewscriver. Sample the wine to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something. Check the wine. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Add a spoon of sugar, or some fink. Whatever you can find. Greash the oven. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Finally, throw the bowl through the window. Finish the wine and wipe counter with the cat.

Bingle Jells!

[FROSTYFRECKLE]

More please