really annoyed, need to rant

[Two_Sheds]

arrrgghhh!

what a day.
We have Little Stepdaughter tomorrow, as per usual.
So I had booked us to go into town, do some iceskating, booked a xmas meal at a restaurant, see Santa, all that stuff. Have a really fun day, instead of staying indoors watching cBeebies.
--------
Just now, ex-wife texts and says we can only have Little One until 1pm, not 5pm.

When we texted back that we'd booked a meal, she phoned up but put Little One on the phone, in floods of tears that she couldn't go to some party.

--------

This happens every week. We're meant to have her till 5pm, but then we'll get a text saying please bring her at 4, or 3, or drop her round a friends, or drive her all the way home (40 miles) instead of dropping half way.

Does my head in, it really does. We can't say anything, because then the visits will be stopped totally, it will all get nasty, and we'll have to go to court to get access.

[BrideXIII]

I do feel for you, its so difficult when they have friends to see as well.
In an ideal world ex shouldn't let her make arrangements for days she is coming to you, but it's really hard for a child to not see friends at a party

I know that doesn't help much, but, try to accept it and have as good a tijme as you can in the hours you have with her, as she gets older she will appreciate the fact you didn't make her choose.

[bobleponge]

Speaking as a dad who suffered in exactly the same way as you are, it sucks. It truly does. In my case it was often done on purpose as well. There was little I could do which made it worse.
My only consolation is that now my kids are growedy ups, they have both confided in me, independantly, that they are now really angry with mum for putting them in situations that they didnt realise were happening when they were young.
Doesnt make it any easier to bear when its happening though.
I feel for you.

[Finedon.Dandy]

I am so lucky in that I married a chap with no "baggage" but both my sisters have or will be marrying men with a kid prom a previous relationship so I do know how awful the situation can be. My youngest sister doesnt seem to have too bad a time of it at the mo(I dont know if that will change when they get married in april) although the little girl wont sleep anywhere other than in her own bed. However the other sister has always had problems with her hubbies ex (jealousy in the main) with her using the young lad as a weapon. They couldnt ever give money for things either as she used to just spend it!

Chin up - have a nice relaxing evening or go anyway?

[Hans Mum]

other side of the coin here........my ex-OH was brill at having DD turned up on time, back on time etc.,etc., then he met current partner who cant stand the fact that he has a child and the number of times theyve cancelled arrangements, brought her home early cause theyve got stuff to do ...you get the picture and its not them that have to explain & dry the tears.

[lynda66]

i have also been on the other side of the fence .... sons dad was supposed to have him tuesdays for tea, then friday till sunday night, that's what he fought for in court, no problem, gave me weekends free, but once he'd looked fab in court, he'd ring up usually after i'd made arrangements and say he couldn't pick him up ........ (turns out if he had him 2 nights a week he could get away with paying less maintenance) ....... when i was in hospital for 3 weeks, rob thought i'd been in prison ...... they had changed child benefit over to them, and had started court proceedings against me to try and get custody ..... Rob saw through things fairly early though, i never bad mouthed his dad ..... his dad did that all by himself ....... i could go on, but you get the picture ....... now rob goes occasionally, but it's not exactly high on his list of priorities, but mostly cos he goes there and basically sits on the pc or in front of the telly all weekend, now if he's going he jumps on a train, stays for a couple of hours and comes home.

kids do make their own minds up, and do work it out by themselves, hopefully sooner rather than later ...... all you can do is be there, and let her know she can tell you anything, and that you both love her.

hugssssssssssss

Lynda xxxx

[Two_Sheds]

Well, we've had tantrums and tears non-stop since 4pm. she's just come down voluntarily for a cuddle, after hating us all evening
(and now she's going back up to bed willingly)

[lynda66]

you will get there hun, as she gets older ...... she will start to understand more, and also she will grow out of the overtired tantrums xxxx ....... just have to stick with it and be there when she needs those cuddles xxx

it makes me so cross when parents screw their child up, it's emotional abuse ....... and is certainly not good for the child.

[di]

It must be really tough for you.....sounds like you're doing your upmost for the little love & I'm sure as time goes on she'll really learn to appreciate.
It P's me off too when parents can't let go of grudges & use their child(ren) to play mental games with their OH's.....One of my cousins is going through a similar thing at the mo....1st child not his by blood,but he's always ignored that & truly loves & treats him just as he does son no.2(who is his)...they've recently split up & unless she needs a babysitter she makes it near impossible for him to see them...& this week he was strong enough to say he couldn't babysit due to prior commitments(he usually cancels anything at the drop of a hat!)....she's now telling him he can't see them over Christmas!...I just don't get that any parent can put their own child through such turmoil...just to get at the OH????
Stick in there Two_heds....sure it will work out eventually & as she grows up,she'll remember the consistency!Lots of fairy hugs((((x))))

[allotmentlady]

arrrgghhh!

what a day.
We have Little Stepdaughter tomorrow, as per usual.
So I had booked us to go into town, do some iceskating, booked a xmas meal at a restaurant, see Santa, all that stuff. Have a really fun day, instead of staying indoors watching cBeebies.
--------
Just now, ex-wife texts and says we can only have Little One until 1pm, not 5pm.

When we texted back that we'd booked a meal, she phoned up but put Little One on the phone, in floods of tears that she couldn't go to some party.

--------

This happens every week. We're meant to have her till 5pm, but then we'll get a text saying please bring her at 4, or 3, or drop her round a friends, or drive her all the way home (40 miles) instead of dropping half way.

Does my head in, it really does. We can't say anything, because then the visits will be stopped totally, it will all get nasty, and we'll have to go to court to get access.

firstly, a (((((((((((((((((((((((((((hug)))))))))))))))))))) we sympathise with you. Its a difficult process and the poor kiddie is in the middle of it all. Maybe you need to see a solicitor or suggest mediation.

If she wants you to drive the 40 miles home, say you cannot, you have no petrol........she will HAVE to meet halfway at 5pm. I know its a worry but we have been through it. Sometimes just sitting down and talking about it can help. At then end of the day, its the little girl that matters and maybe u should point this out to her mother. I am a woman myself and it frustrates the hell out of me when mothers use kids like they are pawns in some stupid game.

Good luck with it allxx

[lynda66]

if you can't get her to see sense ......... theres always Jeremy Kyle

[jackie j]

My ex used to have my sons every other weekend I looked at it that It was time for me on my own do what I wanted when I wanted and it was great when it worked. I found out that as they were staying at his parents house he would bugger off and go out or go away instead of spending time with his sons. Friday nights were a nightmare cos we never knew what time someone would arrive to pick them up so from 3.30pm till they went was a battle to get them ready, if they were not all hell would break loose when he arrived. Then when they came home on a sunday night tired and hell bent on saying wonderfull things about their dad that I had to agree with ugggh I couldnt get them to settle especially the older ones. To them their dad was fantastic. Now they are all in their 20's they know who to turn to when in trouble or want a chat they keep in touch with me most days, they come to me over christmas but not their dad. They only go to him when they want something usually money. What they tell me about his stupidity makes me laugh they do not respect him at all.
Hang in there cos if my boys had had what you and your partner have things might have turned out better for my sons relationship with their dad. I never stopped them from seeing him or his parents, anything that they wanted to do was prearranged so he knew in advance that one of them had something else to do. He however always made plans for things for him to do without taking into account that they were with him and would often cancel at the last minuet.
I remarried and my OH doesnt have any kids so I dont have the problem of being the stepmum but I would take any kids in at the drop of a hat.
One day she will know what was going on and wont thank her mum for putting her thriugh any of it.
Hugs to you.

[bobleponge]

TS I will say something in defence of Mr TS here. I, clearly like him, adore my kids and when I couldnt see them due to the whims of their mother, the Mme Leponge of the time did (regretfully) get a bit of a hard time of it. You tend to hurt those closest to you, and I always felt terrible afterwards but the frustrations of not being able to see my kids used to blind me to everything else.
It wont always be like this, I can assure you. As the littl'un gets older she WILL see the predicament she has been put in by her mother. For the time being you just have to accept that things are going to be difficult, but bear with it.
When my kids told me how upset they were with their mum for putting them in that situation, I knew I had done the right thing by never slandering their mum (in front of them at least) and always obeying my side of the agreement.

[Two_Sheds]

Well ~ thank you all. I'm not really one to vent online

Quick update: Little One slept in really late (2 hours plus) so was obviously exhausted.

She was perfectly fine, back to her normal self. She got in bed with me while Mr S made brekky downstairs. We watched cBeebies and had a cuppa tea, and a chat. She is worried that her mum might die, because she is nearly 41 (aw, bless)

Had an absolutely lovely 5 hrs with her

[Glutton4...]

Next time the ex requests that you drop her all the way back, say no you can't, you have other arrangements, but it's OK little one can stay over another night as she's no bother! Call her bluff!