really annoyed, need to rant

[Bramble_killer]

Having just done a survey on divorce - no I'm not thinking of it - it's a long story...

Mediation service approx cost £3-4k

Solicitor £15-20K

And normally the men pick up the cost for the whole thing

OH has spent approx £5k and they haven't even finalised agreements yet, just think that each letter sent costs £80 to write and send, another one back with a response will cost £150.

[MrsC]

btw - that's why men dress up in batman outfits, the law sucks and it is sooo wrong!

[Bramble_killer]

tbh, I am only with the pair of them a small amount of time anyway.... I try to back off and let them spend time together without me, otherwise what happens is he turns on the horse racing & leaves me to entertain her.
I got wise to this, and told him he needed to spend "quality" time with her, talk to her, play with her: his limited time with her should be spent teaching her to ride a bike, play on the swings etc.
So then he started taking her to his mums, so he could watch telly with his dad while his mum entertained DD
If I don't go with him, I get grief for not being a "proper family" ... but I have so many things to do at home (I work part-time, I do all the house chores, and I am decorating the house on my own, he doesn't lift a finger to help) plus I don't want to spend every w/e at his Mum's house watching horse-racing anyway, ffs.

I have explained to him until I am blue in the face that she needs his attention . Sure, childcare is boring as heck, but she needs to interact with him, he needs to be interested in her life. He is just so darn lazy though.

I never wanted to have 2 kids

You've got 2 people who have short attention spans and who are needy.

Anyways, you can't dictate what they do with their children (I think OH lets his spend FAR too much time on computer games) so the thing to do is to TRY (it is SOOO HARD) and let them get on with it their own way. Just do what you normally do and be around when they go out shopping for the weekend and at mealtimes. Otherwise, you get upset trying to change things for what you consider are the better.

And when you change something, you get picked on. if Mr Sheds wants to complain about something, maybe remind him that you are his partner not his punching bag?

[MrsC]

And normally the men pick up the cost for the whole thing

OH has spent approx £5k and they haven't even finalised agreements yet, just think that each letter sent costs £80 to write and send, another one back with a response will cost £150.

Hi Bramble, out of interest over what time period have you spent that much?

[Bramble_killer]

Hi Bramble, out of interest over what time period have you spent that much?

Hi MrsC, I'm sending you a PM

[MrsC]

Well TS, any man worth his salt would fight for his daughter and his wife/partner etc! Sorry to be blunt, husband and wife, partners whatever you want to call it, they stick together, he sounds like he wants you to do the dirty work! Sorry, for my honest opinion!

[jackie j]

I am so glad me amd my ex managed to sort things out and fairly cheaply by the sounds of it. Kids now grown up so no contact except for the very few family gatherings that involve my sons. At the time though it was hell ( or so it seemed ). I always let their dad have them every other weekend, his parents could see them and have them to stay anytime they wanted, I was honest if they had parties etc to go to and we managed to let the kids do what they wanted to do, but they ( grandparents and ex ) only lived a couple of miles away.
TS it is his daughter make him deal with it, if he doesnt he does risk loosing her, does he want her to turn around when she is older and say ' why didnt you fight for me '. He needs to do something now not tomorrow or next week/ month/ year.
When me and the ex did fall out over the kids all parties concerned ( ex and wife me and OH ) all sat round a table on neutral grounds and talked, its what you all need to do.
At the end of the day its his daughter who needs help.

[Seahorse]

Mr S came home, and started on me though "you should have phoned the Ex and sorted this out, it's too late now".

I bit my tongue and my rage, and said "I will, honey, just tell me what to say"

"Well, I don't know!"

No. Thats too much. I've tried hard to see Mr Sheds side here and offer a 'positive' view (it is indeed a horrible situation for him too) but that kind of taking it out on you? Not on.

I'm really sorry you're going through this.

[Hilary B]

Then I DID get cross, and said you're being a coward, STAND UP TO HER.
He said "I believe you, but I don't want to lose my daughter"

I said "don't be daft, she can't STOP you seeing her". I also said this wasn't my baggage, why was it being dumped on me?

At which point he decided he didn't want to talk about it any more, and went off to play Mob Wars instead.

Gut reaction is "if that's the way he wants it, that is HIS decision (or more likely LACK of decision)" and you can't make the decision for him (however much he would like you to, not least because if YOU decide, he can blame you if it goes wrong, which is why you need to let him sink or swim on his own). You're his wife (even if not in the legal sense) not his mother!

[maytreefrannie]

Sadly, I feel Mr S doesn't realise how lucky he is - I think he needs to get his act together or he may lose both his partner and his daughter.

[jackie j]

Aha this explains some things, maybe the little girl feels that the new baby will get all the attention and she wont so by being 'naughty' ish she will get some attention and not pushed out. I think mr ts is also jealous of his ex having another baby, my ex was when I had a girl as he always wanted a daughter and had 4 sons.
When my daughter was born one of my sons asked me who would have to move out to make room for the new baby, none was my immediate response as the new baby would sleep in with us which she did for 3 years, my son at the time was a teenager not 5yrs old.

[jackie j]

My boys didnt really have a choice, every other weekend was dads time with his sons and my time to do what I wanted, only thing that stopped them was illness and that had to be bad, or a family gathering. They spent most of the time with their grandparents as dad might pop in for an hour or so his loss. Grandparents were fantastic with them tho. Now one of my sons is living in their house looking after the grandparents with social service help as neither of their own sons can be bothered, one visits twice a year at most and moans about the state of things and one lives in same house but leaves most of it to my son. They should both be in a home getting 24hr care. What comes around goes around and my son certainly loves his grandparents more than his dad.

[zazen999]

So then he started taking her to his mums, so he could watch telly with his dad while his mum entertained DD
...plus I don't want to spend every w/e at his Mum's house watching horse-racing anyway, ffs.

I have explained to him until I am blue in the face that she needs his attention . Sure, childcare is boring as heck, but she needs to interact with him, he needs to be interested in her life. He is just so darn lazy though.

However much fun we try to have with her, she obviously wants to be with her Mummy and her friends more.

If I was dragged off to watch Horse racing, I think I might be a little hesitant about visiting [no offence].....but I think along with the new baby, you have hit the nail on the head here.....why WOULD she want to visit if she gets no attention from him?


[Sorry, come from a broken family myself so know how these things work...]

[FionaH]

Glad things are a bit calmer now Two Sheds. I really hope this resolves itself quickly for you all