Will my Niece ever Learn

[jackie j]

My 13 yr old niece has been caught on beebo using foul language posting provocative photo's and more, this is not the first time. The computer has been taken away for a week, she has been told so many times about the danger yet she chooses to ignore it. My sister ( her aunty ) is at her wits end
What are we going to do with her.

[Two_Sheds]

Is this the girl that your sister is adopting/fostering? It's going to be a rocky road, good luck.

[jackie j]

Yes two shed it is. They went to cab yesterday for advice, as they are on benefits themselves they didnt think that the money her dad has been giving them would be taken into account re their benefits, they now have to go to a solicitor free half hour to start with to get advice. Mind you he owes them three weeks now £120 they have also bought her a coat and shoes for school. Dad has not been in touch since boxing day with any of the family. She has always craved attention and will get it any way she can no matter the consequencies

[Two_Sheds]

She has always craved attention and will get it any way she can no matter the consequencies

Well, she never got any from her Dad, did she?
She prob. needs her confidence building up a bit... does she have any talents? Can she be encouraged to join any clubs? (that's difficult if you're on Benefits though )

[SlugLobber]

All I can suggest is that in future, no warnings for stuff like this. When it happens, confiscate the necessary stuff, end of. My sister gives warnings ad infinitum and it falls on deaf ears, as there develops an adrenalin rush of 'will it be taken this time, will it not?'. On the other hand, I have a friend who dishes out what some would consider really harsh punishments, with no warnings - his kid is the best behaved one I know!

I agree with Two Sheds, that this will be a rocky road. Your sister is a saint for taking this task on. It's hard enough to raise your own kids, let alone anybody else's.

[SlugLobber]

She has always craved attention and will get it any way she can no matter the consequencies

It's been proven in dogs that even negative attention produces positive releases of dopamine and endorphins. In other words, negative attention is better than no attention. With my behaviourist head on, I would say ignore unwanted behaviours and work on +R (positive reinforcement), with little rewards for good behaviours, even if they're everyday things, like a good grade or helping with the washing up.

[Two_Sheds]

With my behaviourist head on, I would say ignore unwanted behaviours and work on +R (positive reinforcement), with little rewards for good behaviours, even if they're everyday things, like a good grade or helping with the washing up.

Hopefully she will then feel wanted enough, important & loved enough, to not need to expose herself on the internet for attention

[jackie j]

haha help with washing up your kidding right. this is a girl who unfortunatly for her had everything done for her all the time, my late sister for reasons I can understand gave her everything, never said no. My sister and her oh who have taken niece in are 59 and 62. their own children are 39 and 36yrs, they were made bankcrupt end of 2007 and lost everything through helping out their son. My sister is very strict with her she has even taken away underwear that she feels is unsuitable wich my niece bought with her own money, computer taken away for a week, make up will be next if she doesnt start washing etc. The things she put on beebo shocked even my 36yr old niece.

[Two_Sheds]

My sister and her oh who have taken niece in are 59 and 62.

More like grandparents, then?
It's going to be tough. Do you have any help from social services or other support agencies?

[lynda66]

on the plus side ..... although it's not really a plus side, teenagers do that ...... i read sons chat logs on msn when he was 14, and to be honest on both sides it read like a porn film ....... i was horrified, and we had serious words.

but yup that is beside the point, she sounds like she's crying out for attention, she has lost her mum, and her dad let her do whatever she wanted, then she lost her dad, for all the use he is he may as well be dead too. she obviously needs something to occupy her too, to make new friends maybe?? ....... have you thought about army cadets?? or similar, it's not expensive to join up, just the uniform, that i think was about £20 (subsidised) ....... and they have a lot of fun, learn some discipline, and learn more about themselves.

has anyone actually sat down with her, and asked her what she wants from life?? and how she's feeling about her mum? ..... from the other post re the 4 year old, it sounds possibly like everyone avoids the subject? ....... when really she needs to talk about her, to remember the good times, and how much her mum loved her..... she will still be grieving ....... even if she doesn't want to see her dad, she will be grieving for him too, even if she doesn't know it..... the poor girls world has been turned upside down, and she may just need to talk

good luck you're all gonna need it ..... she needs attention, and lots of it.... and it needs to come from the right place, not some stranger off the internet.

[jackie j]

Not at the moment we had councelling for a year from the hospice where my sister died, my niece has been to doctors and was reffered but they decided she had all the support from the rest of us that she needed. My sister didnt like the attitude of whoever they saw, nor the questions, she didnt feel it was right for some reason.
My niece is very intelligent and has brains and gets good results at school if only she didnt talk so much, attention seeking at every oportunity, she does belong to a local theatre group and they have a show later on this month.

[lynda66]

if she's attention seeking ...... it's because she needs attention

[SlugLobber]

Sounds like they need to start super small, then! Perhaps ask for a hand taking in the shopping and producing a choccie bar afterwards? As long as they don't say 'I'll give you a choccie bar if...', as dopamine is produced when the reward is unexpected, which is the reason bribery doesn't work as a long term training method.

That's one heck of an age to take on a 13yr old. They've got my utmost admiration!

[jackie j]

Lynda we talk about my late sister all the time the good and the bad, its my niece who until recently didnt like talking about her mum, My sister never sat her down and told her what was going on, but she overheard everything, wrong on both accounts, We tried to get my sister to explain what was happening but she chose to sheild her which is understandable, they all burried theur heads in the sand, if we dont talk about it it aint gonna happen attitude.

[lynda66]

i wish there was some way to help, it's gonna be a long road, and fingers crossed she comes out the other side unscathed xxxxx

are there any young person support groups for kids who have lost their parents?? connexions should be able to help with that, it may help her to talk to other kids in the same situation??