Will my Niece ever Learn

[di]

Jackie,was your BIL the way he is now before your sister died?I'm by absolutely no stretch of the imagination trying to defend the way he's treated your niece....he should be totally ashamed of himself regardless of his grief.,but it sounds like the person she's needing the attention from now more than any other is her dad....she's tragically lost her mum & I'm sure in her eyes is now unwanted by the other most important person in her life.Has anyone suggested counselling for him?....I can honestly understand if he's the last person in the world you want to be helping,but if it could help your niece?
All the best with her & I'm sure you're all doing your absolute best for her.x

[bluemoon]

She sounds insecure and is screaming for attention (for obvious reasons) Sometimes I think kids (especially young teenagers) do things just to see how far they can push. It's like they're trying to test how much they're loved by how much you'll put up with before that love is taken away. Once they realize that they could confess to being a serial killer and you'd still visit them in Broadmoor they tend to stop. Your niece has had a lot to put up with, but I don't think she's really that different than many her age. Her peers will also have parents who may be much younger than your sister and BIL, late thirties/early forties say, and that means the people doing the parenting for her may act differently than those of her mates. This might make her feel that their reactions are 'weird' or a bit OTT, (not true, obviously, but teenagers do get odd ideas). From what you've said in the past though her behaviour does seem to be improving since being with your sister so it may be just a bout of attention-grabbing, teenage angst. Obviously she needs to be disciplined, but I really think that what is happening to her is normal, and not even at the extremes of normal either. You and your family are doing your best for her - far more than many 'famillies' would - be a little kinder to yourselves, accept that you're doing a great job and I'm sure she'll soon realize that herself too.

[Rhona]

Jackie - my father died when I was 15 and I went through very similar things to your niece. It really sounds like she desperately needs some grief counselling of some sort. My family were close and loving but hopeless at dealing with a heartbroken teenager for whom the bottom has just fallen out of her world. It may take time, and you may not find the right help immediately, but your niece is going through powerful things and as well-intentioned as you obviously all are, family sometimes just cannot provide the right kind of help.

I think Di's point is a good one too, about help to rebuild her relationship with her father. If he needs counselling too, he should get it if it ultimately brings them closer together. She may be very grateful to you for that in the future, even though the idea probably doesn't delight you now!

[RedThorn]

Jackie,was your BIL the way he is now before your sister died?I'm by absolutely no stretch of the imagination trying to defend the way he's treated your niece....he should be totally ashamed of himself regardless of his grief.,but it sounds like the person she's needing the attention from now more than any other is her dad....she's tragically lost her mum & I'm sure in her eyes is now unwanted by the other most important person in her life.Has anyone suggested counselling for him?....I can honestly understand if he's the last person in the world you want to be helping,but if it could help your niece?
All the best with her & I'm sure you're all doing your absolute best for her.x

I agree that his daughter should come first so not excusing his behaviour at all! However it sounds like he is grieving and bottling it all in and he has ostrich syndrome! Men in general are not as strong as women are when it comes to emotions and feelings. I would also suggest that the best way to help your niece is to help him realise that although he has lost someone dear to him, there is equally someone who should be just as dear to him wanting and desprately needing his love, strength and support. Perhaps by him sharing some of his grief with her, they can then greive together, hopefully bringing them closer...

[Two_Sheds]

This is a link to a children's bereavement counselling type service: Winston's Wish - the leading child bereavement charity in the UK

and another: RD4U home page

[jackie j]

I am sorry to say this but my bil has always been the same, a very hard man with no paitence I have never liked him and I have known him for approx 30 years, he was married to my sister for 27 years. He didnt want anymore children he has two also in their 30's one only has contact with him cos she feels she should the other no contact at all. All his brothers and sisters are the same but all his family live mainly in birmingham none down here. He was brought up that women do all the house work and men go to work. We all icluding him had councilling for a year, and they had it before my sister died for about the same amount of time. He will not talk about anything to anyone, The councillor tried his hardest but he even said he couldnt get through to him. Councillor also told us not to under estimate what we do. My bil never had to look after my niece for an hour never mind any longer. He is and always has been a grumpy drunk idiot. I have no time for him although I went to their house every day to look after my sister he never once made me or her a coffee, he watched her struggle to do the simplest of things, he didnt help with her medication, he just sat all day reading the paper in between leaving my sister on her own while he went to the pub. He is a lazy male chauvinist pig, and I make no appoligies for how I feel about him, he didnt cause my sister's death but he did nothing to help her or their daughter.

[kirsty b]

Lynda we talk about my late sister all the time the good and the bad, its my niece who until recently didnt like talking about her mum, My sister never sat her down and told her what was going on, but she overheard everything, wrong on both accounts, We tried to get my sister to explain what was happening but she chose to sheild her which is understandable, they all burried theur heads in the sand, if we dont talk about it it aint gonna happen attitude.

Overhearing can be horrible. My niece has had a hard time dealing with nephew's (her big bro) cancer a second time round. She overheard her mum talking through her fears with another parent who has gone through the same thing and it really upset her. My sis didn't know at the time that she had overheard but as soon as she did, she sat down with niece and had a good long talk with her explaning that what she feared may not necessarily happen, but it didn't stop it going through her head.
Its understandable to want to protect your children, but sometimes its better to explain whats going on.
I'm hope this bebo thing is a phase and that you all come through ok.