The strength of life

[piskieinboots]

You will have heard of the term 'he/she gave up and wanted to die' when someone has just died through a terminal illness.

With my FiL's situation, we got a call on NYE from the Hospice nurses to say 'we can't give you a time, but it is most likely not longer than 24 hours' - so we chuck socks and pants in the car and shoot up the M40/M6 to Cheshire to say our goodbyes.

However.... FiL is still here (there) - just admittedly, but still drawing breath.

Wayne said 'has he seen everyone he may want to?' So how does one shut off when they have seen everyone they want to?

Snowdrop says he will want to die now - so why hasn't he?

Back to my opening question, how does one 'give up and die'?

[zazen999]

I don't know hon.

My grandad hung on until Easter, when my aunt visited and he died that night. My other aunt [who he lived with for years] heard a noise in the night, got up and was too scared to go into his room and the next morning he was gone.

When that aunt died, my mum heard a noise and got up and was to scared to call the hospice where my aunt was and got a call first thing the next morning giving her the bad news.

[SarzWix]

My Mom was determined not to "ruin Christmas", as my aunt dying had done 2 Christmas' before. She hung on until January 2nd, when Dad had got all the family there.

I dunno hun, but huge hugs, and lots of love to Snowdrop, and yourself.

[moggssue]

I will never forget my grandad, when I was a child and not allowed in to see him in hospital (with breathing tubes and so on, it was thought not a fit image for a small child at the time) kept asking for me. Eventually, they relented and I went and cuddled him, was ushered back out of the room, and within ten minutes he was gone.

My dad, three years ago, was in a hospice with mum and me by his bedside all day and night. The nursing staff advised us to go home, shower and so on, and he died while we were gone. Apparently this is quite common, the ill person not wanting those he loves to witness his going?

Sorry Suzie, none of this answers your question I'm afraid, except to say that I guess everyone is different? Is there still something left for your FIL to do or say, or is he waiting his moment?

Big [[[[[[[[[[[hugs]]]]]]]]]] to you and Snowdrop xxxxxxxx

[piskieinboots]

we're both kinda ok about it - SD has accepted as best he can, he will be in bits when it happens but it will be over.

Thanks, again, for your kind words but this post wasn't a 'sad piskie' posting - it was more me questioning and I guess marvelling at how strong our hold on life can be

Oh and Sarz, remember - FiL is one of yours they are tuff up there

[janeyo]

Maybe he doesn't want to go and even though everyone has said goodbye he wants to hang on a bit longer? To prove you all wrong maybe.

Maybe there is someone he's waiting to see? Or something he wants to hear? A fave song maybe?

I do think the 'waiting' bit is the worst.

Thinking of you x janeyo x

[OverWyreGrower]

When my dad died, we had seen him the day before (me and my sis)... the hospital rang on 22 Dec to say that he looked like he was going, could my mum come over.

She jumped in the car, sped to the hospital, ignoring several red lights apparantly, rushed to his room and grabbed his hand. He died a minute or so later.

I'm fairly sure he knew it was my mum, and that he knew he had seen everyone of import. He was unconcious throughout the last weeks of his life, so never "saw" us; but I am positive he felt it was the time to go.

Hugs to you and Snowdrop, Piskie, it's never a nice thing to have to deal with.

[Rhona]

We talked about this when Obama was just coming to the end of his campaign and his Grandmother died the day before he was elected. We talked about the 'will to live' and how she must have wanted to hang on SO much, and wasn't able to. I don't know how lucid she was, and it's so sad, but it did make us think about the 'hanging on' question.

It's a sad and hard time for you all, even if not a 'sad post.' Is it harder to be able to have to think of all the things you want to say to someone you love before they die; or for the loss to be sudden? I really don't know.

I remember meeting a very young chap at a drinks thing a few years ago, and we were chatting about families and stuff, and he said that his wife had only two weeks to live. They'd known for a year or so, how much she'd likely have and said he couldn't be there every night, trying to say important things, trying to say it all, and they agreed that he should go out and have a few drinks, and have a 'normal' time as far as possible. People are amazing, I'm constantly reminded.

[Nicos]

I've been in the 'unfortunate' position of witnessing many deaths over the last 30 years in my profession.

Hard to say Piskie- some do try and hold on and others seem to just give up.
Often they stop eating and drinking and their kidneys pack in ( already in a poor state).
Many people seem just desperate to 'go' and yet hang on for months in an awful state-which must be awful if compus mentus but totally unable to do anything for themselves- esp if in a lot of pain.

I know of many Drs who give priority to pain relief with morphine, which given in high enough doses ( for excruciating pain) inhibits respiration- and consequently the person is able to 'slip away' pain-free.

I thought one of my ancestors died sympathetically 2 days after her husband - but apparently ( according to her death certificate) she was senile- and jumped from a window....but who knows

My thoughts are with you and Snowdrop at such a difficult time- be grateful the family has been able to have time to say what they felt they needed and wanted to say- many people aren't so lucky.

My thoughts are with you x

[Nicos]

Urmmm...on a lighter note...does anyone owe him any money???

[bobleponge]

It is an interesting debate, although sad for the people involved obviously.
When I lived in the UK we had a very old couple living next door. The wife was in quite bad health whereas the husband was a very spritely 97 year old.
The wife died on christmas day a few years ago, which was sad enough, but then the husband died less than a month later. No ailments, no problems, just laid down and died, possibly of a broken heart.
What caused him to suddenly "give up?" All the 3 children lived within walking distance of his house, as well as several of the grandkids and greatgrandkids, and he saw at least one of them every day. Perhaps he had seen his partner of almost 80 years pass away and decided that he had nothing left to hang on for.
Again, I cant answer your original question Piskie, but send thoughts to you and yours during this awful time.

[piskieinboots]

Urmmm...on a lighter note...does anyone owe him any money???

hum, he did see me drinking his prized malt whisky whilst sat by his bed - toasting his birthday but he is the most generous, fun-loving man I have ever met so he would be pleased to share it.

[piskieinboots]

..Perhaps he had seen his partner of almost 80 years pass away and decided that he had nothing left to hang on for..

yes indeed - Mil and Fil are two halves of a whole, but she appears to be 'coping' well enough.

We are currently at the planning his 'wake' stage, to be held in a pub, I would have expected no less knowing FiL - but it does have a surreal ring to it all.

[piskieinboots]

a pal on a business forum just posted this:
The head doesn't control the body in every case.

Sometimes the body is too strong in spite of the person's desire to die. If we could choose to die by sheer willpower people wouldn't take overdoses or jump of bridges.

I think it's more the case that we can hang on to life by willpower, in order to say our goodbyes or whatever, but not necessarily the other way round.

I can understand the last para

[di]

I spent 6 weeks living in with a lady dying of cancer,in the final week she was mainly unconscious,but on the last morning she managed to ask me to put on her favourite piece of music & light some incense.She held my hand tightly throughout.Both the music & the incense stopped simultaneously & at that moment she took her last breath & released my hand.
I guess there are many illnesses that do not allow for a person to choose their moment,& there were definately many times in her final 6 weeks that she wanted it to happen sooner,but that morning she seemed to know "this is it....all I've got to do is stop the effort to breathe".
I know you didn't intend this to be a sad Piskie post,but hugs to you anyway,it's a tough time no matter how prepared you try to be.Hope his time may be peaceful.xxx
p.s....has he watched the whole video set yet??