Jokes

[Adam Fletcher]

On the first day God created the cow. God said, "You must go to field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer. I will give you a life span of sixty years."

The cow said, "That's a kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. Let me have twenty years and I'll give back the other forty."

And God agreed.

On the second day, God created the dog. God said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I will give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said, "That's too long to be barking. Give me ten years and I'll give back the other ten."

So God agreed (sigh).

On the third day God created the monkey. God said, "Entertain people, do monkey tricks, make them laugh. I'll give you a twenty year life span." Monkey said, "How boring, monkey tricks for twenty years? I don't think so. Dog gave you back ten, so that's what I'll do too, okay?"

And God agreed again.

On the fourth day God created man. God said, "Eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy. Do nothing, just enjoy, enjoy. I'll give you twenty years."

Man said, "What? Only twenty years? No way man. Tell you what, I'll take my twenty, and the forty cow gave back, and the ten dog gave back and the ten monkey gave back. That makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God. "You've got a deal."

So that is why for the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy, and do nothing; for the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family; for the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain our grandchildren; and for the last ten years we sit in front of the house and bark at everybody.

[User Removed]

A fellow was reading the paper one day lamenting the fact that his doctor has ordered him to lose 75 pounds. Next thing he sees is an advertisement for a guaranteed weight loss program. "Guaranteed like heck," he thinks to himself. "But lets see what they think they can do." He calls them on the phone and subscribes to the 3 day, 10 LB weight loss program.

The next day there comes a knock at his door, and when he answers, there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nikes and a sign hanging around her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me." Without a second thought he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her. After they are through he kisses the girl one last time and thinks to himself with a nod, "I like the way this company does business." For the next two days, the same girl shows up and the same thing happens each time. On the fourth day, he weigh himself and, sure enough, he has lost 10 pounds.

Deciding that he likes his somewhat more slender physique, not to mention the method of treatment, he calls the company back and subscribes to their 5 day, 20 LB weight loss program. He thinks that losing 20 pounds in only 5 days seems like a lot, but he is intrigued by what their workout schedule might be like this time.

As expected, the next day there comes a knock at his door. When he answers it there stands a 22 year old knockout dressed in nothing but a pair of Reeboks and a sign hanging around her neck. She is simply stunning, the most beautiful woman he has ever seen. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me." He's out the door like a shot. This gal is in excellent shape and it takes a while to catch her. But when he does, it is worth every cramp and wheeze. She is wonderful, the best he has ever had. He is really looking forward to the next four days... For the next four days, the same girl shows up and the same thing happens each time, much to his delight. On the sixth day, he weighs himself and, unbelievably, he has lost another 20 pounds.

I love this company, he thinks to himself, "I never knew losing weight could be so easy and so much fun." Feeling much better about himself, he decides to go for broke and subscribe to the company's 7 day, 50 pound weight loss program. "Are you sure, sir?" Asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most vigorous program." "Absolutely," says he, "I love your program. Haven't felt this good in years!"

The next day there comes a knock at his door and he enthusiastically answers it. There stands before him a 200 pound perfect specimen of a man dressed in nothing but racing spikes and a sign around his neck. He introduces himself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If I can catch you, I can have you."

[User Removed]

Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Luther, "Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your advice about where to go.

Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earline got pregnant.

Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Earline got pregnant again.

Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earline didn't get pregnant again."

Luther asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"

Billy Bob says, "This year I'm taking Earline with me."

[User Removed]

A furniture dealer from Arkansas, decided to expand the line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris to see what he could find.

After arriving in Paris he met with some manufacturers and selected a line that he thought would sell well back home in Arkansas. To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a small bistro and have a glass of wine. As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite crowded, and that the other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house.

Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table, asked him something in French (which he did not understand), and motioned toward the chair. He invited her to sit down. He tried to speak to her in English, but she did not speak his language so, after a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it to her.

She nodded, and he ordered a glass of wine for her. After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin, and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded.

They left the bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music. They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing. She nodded, and they got up to dance. They danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up.

Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed.

To this day, Bubba has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture business.

Sorry I had to post these

[shirley]

Good grief you have been busy...Very good and they made me laugh

[User Removed]

I must addmit that I copyed and pasted them off a website

[k.chambers]

Some people make jokes up about blonds. I'm blond but i'm not dumb.

Kayleigh.

[User Removed]

Ok Kayleigh

There were three women, One was a blonde, one with black hair and a brunette.
They were stranded on an Island 50 metres across water away from a city.
The lady with black hair jumps in the sea and drowns at 20 metres
The brunette Jumps in and drowns at 30 metres
The Blonde gets to 49 metres gets tired so goes back

Is that good enough

[Earthbabe]

Thanks Adam. These have given me a laugh.

[bramble]

Very good Adam, had a good laugh and then went and entertained OH with them. Keep it up, you're good.

[dexterdoglancashire]

My OH sends me texts of erm, how shall I put it, erm "topical" jokes - only problem is, even though they are quite "clean" they are rather, political - so wouldn't be appropriate for the website, even though they are very funny! DDL PM me your mobile numbers!................only joking!

[dinky_doo]

i was seeing the doctor the other day when all of a sudden a man burst in jumped on the doctors back and counted to ten
the doctor shook him off and asked what the hell are you doing man
the man replied that he was ill and his friends said he could count on a doctor to cure him

[User Removed]

Why did the blonde take a ladder into the bar?
She heard the drinks were on the house

[nick the grief]

Two old men sitting in deckchairs one say
" Nice out"
the other replied

" Yes I think I'll get.....


LJ give me the keyboard back

[JennieAtkinson]

Two blondes walking along the road, both walked into a building. You would have thought one of them would have noticed it!

Sorry! I'm blonde! well bottled these days.

Very good Adam - I will try them on OH later!