Jokes

[Berr]

Emboldened by some of Adam's recent offerings, I'm contributing this, my favourite joke:

Girl goes to the doctor.
Girl: Doctor, I've got green marks on the insides of my thighs. What is the cause of that, and is it serious?
Doctor: Lie down on the couch, please....Indeed you have green marks! I must confess I've never encountered anything like this before. I shall have to think about this. Could you come back in a week's time?
Girl: Yes, doctor.
A week later girl returns.
Doctor: Ah, good afternoon, Miss Jones. Do sit down. I've given your condition some thought. May I ask, do you have a boyfriend?
Girl: Yes, I do.
Doctor: Is he, by any chance, a gypsy?
Girl (astonished): Yes! As a matter of fact he is!
Doctor: Well, tell him his earrings aren't gold.

[SueA]

Please stop!(Well not really, I love these kind of jokes). Still crying laughing from the 'How to give a cat a pill' story, it just tickled me. How do you all remember the jokes or have you all got joke books for early Christmas pressies? I just about remembered the 'Wher's Stanley' one to tell my O.H. & he actually giggled - I usually get mixed up or he gets bored before I get to the punchline!

[ugly gourd]

B & Q JOB APPLICATION

This is an actual job application that a 75-year-old pensioner
submitted to B&Q in Tunbridge Wells.

They hired him because he was so funny.....

NAME:
Kenneth Way (Grumpy Bastard)

SEX:
Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman (or at least one who will cooperate)

DESIRED POSITION:
Company's Chief Executive or Managing Director. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying in the first place - would I?

DESIRED SALARY:
£150,000 a year plus share options and a Tony Blair style redundancy package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION:
Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD:
Target for middle management hostility.

PREVIOUS SALARY:
A lot less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT:
My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING:
It was a crap job.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK:
Any.

PREFERRED HOURS:
1:30-3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?:
Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?:
If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 lbs.?:
Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?:
I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?:
I may already be a winner of the Reader's Digest Timeshare Free Holiday Offer, so they tell me.

DO YOU SMOKE?:
On the job - no! On my breaks - yes!

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?:
Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy Swedish supermodel with big tits and who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

NEAREST RELATIVE?:
7 miles

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?:
Oh yes, absolutely.

[ugly gourd]

Cop and little girl
A cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little girl on her new shiny bike stopped beside him. "Nice bike," the cop said. "Did Santa bring it to you?"

"Yep," the little girl said, "he sure did!"

The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5 ticket for a safety violation and said, "Next year tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it."

The young girl looked up at the cop and said, "Nice horse you've got there sir. Did Santa bring it to you?"

"Yes, he sure did," chuckled the cop.

The little girl looked up at the cop and said,"Next year tell Santa the dick goes underneath the horse, not on top."



Thats my offerings for today back to the housework!!

[madderbat]

an intellectual joke

This is the only joke I can consistently remember, and I still recall the first time I heard it, at the end of a bottle of whiskey told by my boss late one evening at the hotel I used to work in.

Oxford City Centre, Tea shop one winter's afternoon. Two English Dons met for their usual discussion, one a Chaucer afficionado, the other a Shakespear devotee. As time went on they became rather heated about the various merits of the two great writers. Neither was going to back down, each convinced that his was the greatest English writer of all time. The dings were donging back and forth and it nearly came to blows, when the door opened and a bandy-legged customer walked in.

"Well," said the Shakespear buff, pointing at the new customer, "If my man were here today he would say : Methinks a mighty horse he rode!"

"Ah, that's as may be," retorted the Chaucer man, "But if Geoffrey were here today he would say 'What mighty manner of man is this, that hangs his balls in parenthesis!'"

It somehow sounds better when spoken!
*****************

Here's one for us ladies which arrived by e-mail today:


It's that time of year again girls! You've been hit by the

|^^^^^^^^^^^^^|^^^|
|...WINE TRUCK........| ||'|";, ___.
|_..._..._______===|=||_|__|..., ] -
"(@)'(@)"""''"**|(@)(@)*****''(@)

(Obviously this was written by and to a woman).


When girls drink too much....

1. We have absolutely no idea where our purse is.

2. We believe that dancing with our arms overhead and wiggling our butt while yelling "woo-hoo!" is truly the sexiest dance move around.

3. We've suddenly decided that we want to kick someone's ass and honestly
believe we could do it too.

4. In our last trip to pee, we realize that we now look more like a homeless
hooker than the goddess we were just four hours ago.

5. We start crying and telling everyone we see that we love them sooooo much.

6. We get extremely excited and jump up and down every time a new song play's because "oh my god! I love this song!"

7. We've found a deeper/spiritual side to the geek sitting next to us.

8. We've suddenly taken up smoking and become really good at it.

9. We yell at the bartender, who we believe cheated us by giving us just coke, but that's just because we can no longer taste the rum.

10. We think we are in bed, but our pillow feels strangely like the kitchen
floor (or the mop?)

11. We fail to notice that the toilet lid's down when we sit on it.

12. We take our shoes off because we believe it's their fault that we're having problems walking straight.

Recognise any of these? I'll admit to No 11 but only because some idiot closed the lid which has NEVER been closed before!

[sewer rat]

Hey MB
You must have visited the Club I bounce in at weekends -with your wine truck wisdom you have pretty accurately described 90% of the female clientele !!!!!

[kirsty b]

The Nun and the Blind Man

Forgive me if you know this but its one of my favourites.

A nun had just run a bath and had just stripped off ready to get in when the doorbell rang.
She went to the door and asked who it was. She got the reply 'its the blind man'
She said, 'you can't come in, I'm just about to get in the bath.

'But i'm the blind man and I don't need long'

The nun thought to herself, whats the harm? He is a blind man after all.

'OK I'm going to let you in, but you must be quick"

with that she unlocks the door, hops in the bath and shouts the blind man to come in.

He comes in, turns his head towards her and says, 'nice tits love, now where do you want the blind?'

[SueA]

Hey MB
You must have visited the Club I bounce in at weekends -with your wine truck wisdom you have pretty accurately described 90% of the female clientele !!!!!

Bl**dy Hell Rat! Not another job!

[crackapple]

two ducks on a tandem, the one on the back said "quack"
the one on the front says "i'm going as quack as i can"

[nick the grief]

Some oldies but goodies!! 7 degrees of blonde

Can't remember if I'd posted this one or not

=========================================

1st Degree
A married couple was asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, “How should I know, that’s 200 miles from here!” and hung up. The husband said, “Who was that?” The wife said, “I don’t know, some woman wanting to know if the Coast is clear.”

2nd Degree
Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the
sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and
says, “Hmm, this person looks familiar.” The second blonde says,
“Here, let me see!”
So the first blonde hands her the compact.
The second one looks in the mirror and says, “You dummy, it’s me!”


3rd Degree
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out And buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedl! y and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry.
She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head. The boyfriend yells, “No, honey, don’t do it!!!” The blonde replies, “Shut up, you’re next!”

4th Degree
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says, “Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them.” A friend says, “OK, what’s the capital of Wisconsin?” The blonde replies, “Oh, that’s easy: W.”

5th Degree
What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant? “Is it mine?”

6th Degree
Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA freshman, sat in her US government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs. Wade was about.
Bambi pondered the question then finally said, “That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware.”

7th Degree
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, “I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman.”

[Mrs Dobby]

Double Groan Nick!

[JennieAtkinson]

And theres north - and then theres .... well ......... north.

[nick the grief]

There's more ......

A typical English 40 something, having split from his latest
Girlfriend, decided to take a vacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.

He found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the
most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.
In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"
She replies, "I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed here when my cruise ship sank."
"Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash
up with you."
"Oh, this thing?" explains the woman. "I made the boat out of raw materials I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."

"But, where did you get the tools?"

"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the south side of
the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware."

The guy is stunned.
"Let's row over to my place," she says.

After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf.
As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and
white. While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck.
As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much but I call it home. Sit down, please. Would you like a drink?"
"No! No thank you," he blurts out, still dazed. "I can't take another Drop of coconut juice."
"It's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a still. How
would you like a Pina Colada?"

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they
Sit down on her couch to talk. After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable.
Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs
in the bathroom cabinet."
No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom.
There, in the cabinet, a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism. "This woman is amazing," he muses. "What next?"

When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines,
Strategically positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her.
"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've been out here for many months. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for?" She stares into his eyes.

He can't believe what he's hearing. "You mean …... " he swallows excitedly and tears start to form in his eyes.

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

Don't tell me you've got Sky Sports? "

[madderbat]

Ho ho ho Well, thats men for you !!!!!

Try this for size:


You Know You've Had Too Much Christmas Cheer When...
1. You notice your tie sticking out of your fly.
2. Someone uses your tongue for a coaster.
3. You start kissing the portraits on the wall.
4. You see your underwear hanging from the chandelier.
5. You have to hold on to the floor to keep from sliding off.
6. You strike a match and light your nose.
7. You take off your shoes and wade in the potato salad.
8. You hear someone say, "Call a priest!"
9. You hear a duck quacking and it's you.
10. You complain about the small bathroom after emerging from the closet.
11. You refill your glass from the fish bowl.
12. You tell everyone you have to go home... and the party's at your place.
13. You ask for another ice cube and put it in your pocket.
14. You yawn at the biggest bore in the room... and realize you're in front of the hall mirror.
15. You pick up a roll, and butter your watch.
16. You suggest everyone stand and sing the national budget.
17. You're at the dinner table and you ask the hostess to pass a bedpan.
18. You take out your handkerchief and blow your ear.
19. You tell your best joke to the rubber plant.
20. You realize you're the only one under the coffee table.

[Digger-07]

These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts of America, and are
things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now
published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while
these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
______________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: This Myasthenia Gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in Voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, Voodoo.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now Doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep,
he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
___________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-one year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one..
________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh....
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead
people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an
autopsy on him!
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a
pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing
law.