Jokes

[Earthbabe]

UG that should come with a warning not to read immediately after eating. At least it was pizza and not rice pudding!

[Geordie]

Mary had a little lamb

She tied it to a plyon

10 thousand volts shot up its bum

And turned its wool to nylon!


Thats the only clean joke I have heard this week!

[nick the grief]

Twenty Dollars

On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed.

This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly$1 million. Then she
showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank.

She explained that for the more than three decades she had "charged" him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments.

Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, "If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!"


That's when she shot him.

You know, sometimes, men just don't know when to keep their mouths shut.

[beefy]

The Hormone Hostage knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his own hands! This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's licence in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, or significant other!


DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?
ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some chocolate.


DANGEROUS: Are you wearing that?
SAFER: Wow, you sure look good in brown!
SAFEST: WOW! Look at you!
ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some chocolate


DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about? SAFER Could we be overreacting?
SAFEST: Here's my paycheck.
ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some chocolate.



DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples in the bowl
SAFEST Can I get you a glass of wine
ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS: What did you DO all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn't over-do it today.
SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe!
ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some more chocolate.

[Geordie]

A Northern Joke

50 Degrees: Southerners turn on their heating. Geordies plant their gardens

30 Degrees: Southerners cars wont start. Geordies drive with their windows down

10 Degrees: Southerners turn up the heating. Geordies go swimming in N orth Sea

ZERO: Southerners head for warmer climates. Geordies have a last barbecue before it gets cold

MINUS 10: Southerners cease to exist. Geordies throw on a lightweight jacket

MINUS 100: Santa Clause abandons the North Pole.Geordies put on a coat

MINUS 173: Alcohol freezes. Geordies complain that the pubs are shut

MINUS 297: Microbiological life starts to disappear. The cows in Northumberland complain of vets' cold hands

MINUS 460: All atomic motion stops. Geordies start to blow on their hands

MINUS 500: Hell freezes over. Sunderland qualify for europe

[Geordie]

Is Cheshire not in the South?

[Mrs Dobby]

Cheeky Sod Geordie! Cheshire is north of Birmingham, which means it is definitely not darn saarf!

[Geordie]

So we are agreed it is in the Midlands then!

[ugly gourd]

Gates of Heaven at Xmas
3 blokes at the gates of heaven.
St. Peter says that in order to come they must find a Christmas theme out of what is in there pockets.

1st bloke goes into his pockets and pulls out a lighter and says it represents a candle. Very good St. Peter says in you go.

2nd bloke checks his pocket and finds some keys, jangling them he says there you go St. Peter the keys represent bells. Very good he says in you go.

3rd bloke checks his pockets looking for something and pulls out a pair of women's knickers. St. Peter cries what in Gods name have they got to do with Christmas............wait for it.

The bloke replies there carols.

[Mrs Dobby]

Groan!!!

[Mrs Dobby]

No its not Midlands Geordie! Midlands is Brum, Staffs, Warwickshire and all that sort of area! Dont you go calling us southeners!! lol!

Not that I have anything against southeners, she says hastily!

[beefy]

I always thought that anywhere below the A66 was the south , above it the north.
Away to look for a bigger wooden spoon

[Geordie]

Thats as good a dividing line as any Beefy

[beefy]

It was either the A66 or the A69 but thought that the 66 was a better line .Go look at a map LJ the A66 devides the country just about in two so you must be from darrn saarrrrf * stirs woodenspoon *

[kirsty b]

nope i didn't get it either someone please explain

I'll never forget having to explain this to one of the younger girls at work.