Jokes

[beefy]

Beefy LJ has looked at the map!

Well then?

[NOG]

Bloke goes in to the pub and asks for a pint and a packet of helocopter crisps;
Barman says sorry we only got plane...

[Mrs Dobby]

Double Groan NOG!! :d

[beefy]

Well Then??? Your idea of a north/south dividing line is bloody ridiculous! I would like to see you go around Liverpool or Manchester telling everyone they were southeners.

Beleive me LJ I've called some of the residents of Liverpool and Manchester a lot worse than that

[Snadger]

50 Degrees: Southerners turn on their heating. Geordies plant their gardens

30 Degrees: Southerners cars wont start. Geordies drive with their windows down

10 Degrees: Southerners turn up the heating. Geordies go swimming in N orth Sea

ZERO: Southerners head for warmer climates. Geordies have a last barbecue before it gets cold

MINUS 10: Southerners cease to exist. Geordies throw on a lightweight jacket

MINUS 100: Santa Clause abandons the North Pole.Geordies put on a coat

MINUS 173: Alcohol freezes. Geordies complain that the pubs are shut

MINUS 297: Microbiological life starts to disappear. The cows in Northumberland complain of vets' cold hands

MINUS 460: All atomic motion stops. Geordies start to blow on their hands

MINUS 500: Hell freezes over. Sunderland qualify for europe

Nice one Geordie! Just cut and pasted it for future reference!

[Earthbabe]

Thanks folks, that's set me up well for work this afty.

[SueA]

Love that Geordie, I'm always amazed when we've been to Newcastle & seen girls walking around in the freezing cold in skimpy little tops & bare legs, we're pretty tough around here in Manchester but can't beat them! By the way I was going to say put Manchester City in the last line(my team) but then we did qualify a few years ago through the fair play route or something- I think we managed to beat someone like TNS from Wales but got knocked out by some unknown team from Poland! And don't you & Beefy dare call us Southerners again or I'll be round with Lesley to sort you out!

[Birdie Wife]

I've been using some GIS to determine the exact line through Britain that divides north from south. If you exclude Orkney and the Shetland islands, it's Kendal. If you include them, and really you should 'cos they are part of Britain, then you'd have to draw the line through Alnwick. Sorry Geordie, you're a southerner too!!

[Geordie]

I've been using some GIS to determine the exact line through Britain that divides north from south. If you exclude Orkney and the Shetland islands, it's Kendal. If you include them, and really you should 'cos they are part of Britain, then you'd have to draw the line through Alnwick. Sorry Geordie, you're a southerner too!!

What's this 'Britain' thing........was not including the Heathens myself....just England

And don't you & Beefy dare call us Southerners again or I'll be round with Lesley to sort you out!

Is that a promise??

[beefy]

Ok Geordie which one of us is going first?
Souther....

[Snadger]

The North East Fairy Liquid advert:-


" Mummy, Mummy why are your hands so soft?"

"Cos I'm TWELVE pet"

[Mrs Dobby]

PMSL Snadger!!! Very good!

[beefy]

Just found some Japanese Computer Messages which you might like.

1. The web site you seek cannot be located, but countless more exist.

2. Chaos reigns within. Reflect, repent and reboot. Order shall return.

3. Program aborting. Close all that you have worked on. You ask far too much

4. Windows XP crashed. I am the Blue Screen of Death. No-one hears your screams.

5. Yesterday it worked. Today it is not working. Windows is like that.

6. Your file was so big. It might be very useful. But now it is gone.

7. Stay the patient course. Of little worth your ire. The network is down.

8. A crash reduces your expensive computer to a simple stone.

9. Threee things are certain: Death taxes and lost data. Guess which has occurred.

10. You step in the stream, but the water has moved on. This page is not there.

11. Out of memory. We wish to hold the whole sky, but we never will.

12. Having been erased, the document you'r seeking must now be retyped.

13. Serious error. All shortcuts have disappeared. Screen! Mind! both are blank.

[nick the grief]

Pearly Gates

At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter.

He says, "Sisters, you all led such exemplary lives that the Lord is granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you wish to be.


The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren;"

and *poof* she's gone.


The second says, "I want to be Madonna and *poof* she's gone.

The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini.."

St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he asks.

"Sara Pipalini;" replies the nun.

St. Peter shakes his head and says, "I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't
ring a bell."

The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter.

St. Peter reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says.

No sister, the paper says it was the 'Sahara Pipeline' that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months.

If you laugh, you are going straight to hell!

[beefy]

A life-long city man, tired of the rat race, decided he was going to give up the city life, move to the country, and become a chicken farmer. He found a nice, used chicken farm, which he bought. Turns out that his next door neighbor was also a chicken farmer. The neighbor came for a visit one day and said, "Chicken farming isn't easy. Tell you what. To help you get started, I'll give you 100 chickens."

The new chicken farmer was thrilled. Two weeks later the new neighbor stopped by to see how things were going. The new farmer said, "Not too good. All 100 chickens died."

The neighbor said, "Oh, I can't believe that. I've never had any trouble with my chickens. I'll give you 100 more."

Another two weeks went by, and the neighbor stops in again. The new farmer says, "You're not going to believe this, but the second 100 chickens died too."

Astounded, the neighbor asked, "what went wrong? What did you do to them?"

Well, says the new farmer, "I'm not sure whether I'm planting them too deep or not far apart enough."