Jokes

[nick the grief]

Where's Stanley

Where’s Stanly

George Bush goes to a primary school to talk to the kids to get a little. After his talk he offers question time. One little boy puts up his hand and George asks him his name. "Stanley," responds the little boy.

"And what is your question, Stanley?"

"I have 4 questions:

1. why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN?
2. why are you President when Al Gore got more votes?
3. whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?"
4. why are we so worried about gay-marriage when 1/2 of all Americans don't have health insurance?

Just then, the bell rings for recess. George Bush informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess. When they resume George says, "OK, where were we? Oh, that's right, question time. Who has a question?"

Another little boy puts up his hand. George points him out and asks him his name.

"Little Johnnie" he responds.

"And what is your question, Little Johnnie?"

"Actually Sir, I have 6 questions:

1. why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN?
2. why are you President when Al Gore got more votes?
3. whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?"
4. why are we so worried about gay-marriage when 1/2 of all Americans don't have health insurance?
5. why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early?
6. what the F*#@ happened to Stanley? !!!

[nick the grief]

Mens Letters

Ever wondered why you rarely see letters from men in agony aunt columns....

Dear Abbey,

I've never written to you before, but I really need your advice on what could be a crucial decision. I've suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me.

The usual signs... phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up.

My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently although when

I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know them."

I always stay awake to look out for her taxi coming home, but she always walks down the drive. Although I can hear a car driving off, as if she has gotten out of the car round the corner. Why? Maybe she wasn't in a taxi?

I once picked her cell phone up just to see what time it was and she went berserk and screamed that I should never touch her phone again and why was I checking up on her.

Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her.

I decided I was going to park my Harley Davidson motorcycle next to the garage and then hide behind it so I could get a good view of the whole street when she came home. It was at that moment, crouching behind my Harley, that I noticed that the valve covers on my engine seemed to be leaking a little oil.



Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the dealer?

[beefy]

A doctor was addressing a large audience re materials we put in our stomaches. "Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomache. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat can be disastrous and germs in drinking water can cause long term damage. But there is one thing that is most dangerous of all and we all have, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"
After a few seconds silence a 75 year old man in front row raised his hand and said "Wedding Cake"!

[Mrs Dobby]

You know you must be getting old when you find things like this funny!


According to today's regulators and bureaucrats, those of us who
were kids in the 60's, 70's and early 80's probably shouldn't have
survived, because our baby cots were covered with brightly coloured
lead-based paint which was promptly chewed and licked. We had no
childproof lids on medicine bottles, or latches on doors or
cabinets and it was fine to play with pans.

When we rode our bikes, we wore no helmets, just flip-flops and
fluorescent 'spokey dokey's' on our wheels. As children, we would
ride in cars with no seat belts or airbags - riding in the
passenger seat was a treat.

We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle and it
tasted the same.

We ate chips, bread and butter pudding and drank fizzy juice
with sugar in it, but we were never overweight because we were
always outside playing.

We shared one drink with four friends, from one bottle or can
and no-one actually died from this.

We would spend hours building go-carts out of scraps and then
went top speed down the hill, only to find out we forgot the
brakes. After running into stinging nettles a few times, we learned
to solve the problem.

We would leave home in the morning and could play all day, as
long as we were back before it got dark. No one was able to reach
us and no one minded.

We did not have Play stations or X-Boxes, no video games at all.

No 99 channels on TV, no videotape movies, no surround sound, no
mobile phones, no personal computers, no DVDs, no Internet chat
rooms.

We had friends - we went outside and found them.

We played elastics and rounders, and sometimes that ball really
hurt!

We fell out of trees, got cut, and broke bones but there were no
law suits.

We had full on fist fights but no prosecution followed from
other parents.

We played chap-the-door-run-away and were actually afraid of the
owners catching us.

We walked to friends' homes.

We also, believe it or not, WALKED to school; we didn't rely on
mummy or daddy to drive us to school, which was just round the
corner.

We made up games with sticks and tennis balls.

We rode bikes in packs of 7 and wore our coats by only the hood.

The idea of a parents bailing us out if we broke a law was
unheard of...They actually sided with the law.

This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers and
problem solvers and inventors, ever. The past 50 years have been an
explosion of innovation and new ideas. We had freedom, failure,
success and responsibility, and we learned how to deal with it
all.

And you're one of them. Congratulations!

Pass this on to others who have had the luck to grow as real
kids, before lawyers and governments regulated our lives, for our
own good.

For those of you who aren't old enough, thought you might like
to read about us.

This my friends, is surprisingly frightening......and it might
put a smile on your face:

The majority of students in universities today were born in
1986........They are called youth.

They have never heard of We are the World, We are the children,
and the Uptown Girl they know is by Westlife not Billy Joel. They
have never heard of Rick Astley, Bananarama, Neneh Cherry or Belinda
Carlisle.

For them, there has always been only one Germany and one
Vietnam.

AIDS has existed since they were born. CD's have existed since
they were born.

Michael Jackson has always been white.

To them John Travolta has always been round in shape and they
can't imagine how this fat guy could be a god of dance.

They believe that Charlie's Angels and Mission Impossible are
films from last year.

They can never imagine life before computers.

They'll never have pretended to be the A Team, RedHand Gang or
the Famous Five.

They'll never have applied to be on Jim'll Fix It

They can't believe a black and white television ever existed.
And they will never understand how we could leave the house without
a mobile phone.



Now let's check if we're getting old...


1. You understand what was written above and you smile.

2. You need to sleep more, usually until the afternoon, after a
night out.

3. Your friends are getting married/already married.

4. You are always surprised to see small children playing
comfortably with computers.

5. When you see teenagers with mobile phones, you shake your
head.

6. You remember watching Dirty Den in EastEnders the first time
around.

7. You meet your friends from time to time, talking about the
good Old days, repeating again all the funny things you have
experienced together.

[Mrs Dobby]

Sometimes people designing websites just get carried away and forget to do a sanity check before going live with their sites...

And yes - they are real sites.....
1) Who Represents, a database for agencies to the rich and famous:
http://www.whorepresents.com

2) Experts Exchange, a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views:
http://www.expertsexchange.com

3) Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island:
http://www.penisland.net

4) Need a therapist?
http://www.therapistfinder.com

5) Mole Station Native Nursery, based in New South Wales:
http://www.molestationnursery.com

6) Gas central heating anyone?
http://www.gasheating.co.uk

7) New to Italy and you need electric light? Why not sign up on-line with Power-Gen?
http://www.powergenitalia.com/

[beefy]

After numerous rounds of: "We don't even know if Osama is still alive". Osama himself decided to send George Bush a letter in English, in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game.
Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a mysterious, brief and perhaps coded message: 370HSSV-0773H

Bush was baffled, so he emailed it to Condi Rice.
Condi and her aides had no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI. No one could solve it so it went to the CIA, then to NASA without success, they eventually asked Britain's MI-6 for help.

MI-6 cabled the White House:

"Tell the President he's holding the message upside down!"

[nick the grief]

Lol !!!!

[nick the grief]

Getting Close

Having reached the age of 65, I went to apply for Social Security last week.

After waiting in line for a very long time, I finally Got to the counter. The woman there asked me for my Driver's' license to verify my age.

I looked in my pockets and realized, to my great Dismay, that I had left my wallet on the night stand In my bedroom. I told the lady that I was Very sorry, but I seemed to have left my wallet at Home. I'll have to go get it and come back later."

At that point, she said to me, "Unbutton your shirt."

I was confused, but I opened my shirt, revealing lots Of curly silver hair. She said, That silver hair

On your chest is proof enough for me," and, with that, She promptly processed my application.

When I got home, I couldn't wait to tell my wife about My experience at the Social Security Office.

She listened to the whole story and then said, "You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten Disability, too."

[nick the grief]

Would You Remarry?

A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife looks over at him and asks the question...
WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"
HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"
WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"
HUSBAND: "Of course I do."
WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."
WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look)
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)
WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"
HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."
WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"
WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"
HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."
WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."
WIFE: "Would you give her my jewelry?"
HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."
WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?"
HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."

[nick the grief]

Scouts letter home

Dear Mom & Dad,

Our Scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and are worried.

We are okay. Only one of our tents and two sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Adam when it happened.

Oh yes, please call Adam's mother and tell her he is okay. He can't write because of the cast.

I got to ride in one of the search and rescue jeeps. It was neat. We never would have found Adam in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning.

Scoutmaster Keith got mad at Adam for going on a hike alone without telling anyone.

Adam said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him.

Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas will blow up? The wet wood didn't burn, but one of the tents did and also some of our clothes.

Matthew is going to look weird until his hair grows back.

We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Keith gets the bus fixed. It wasn't his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked okay when we left. Scoutmaster Keith said that with a bus that old you have to expect some thing to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance. We think it's a neat bus.

He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the fenders. It gets pretty hot with 45 people in a bus. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the highway patrol man stopped and talked to us.

Scoutmaster Keith is a neat guy. Don't worry, he's a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Jesse how to drive on the mountain roads where there isn't any traffic. All we ever see up there are logging trucks.

This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out in the lake. Scoutmaster Keith wouldn't let me because I can't swim, and Adam was afraid he would sink because of his cast, so he let us take the canoe across the lake. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood.

Scoutmaster Keith isn't crabby like some Scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about us not wearing life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on the bus so we are trying not to cause him any trouble.

Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Andrew dived into the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a tourniquet works.

Steven and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Keith said it probably was just food poisoning from the leftover chicken. He said they got sick that way with food they ate in prison.

I'm so glad he got out and became our Scoutmaster. He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time.

By the way, what is a pedal file? I have to go now. We are going to town to mail our letters and buy some more beer. Don't worry about anything. We are fine.

Love, Chris

[nick the grief]

Weather Forecasting In Australia

It was April and the Aboriginals in a remote part of Northern Australia asked their new elder if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was an elder in a modern community he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.

Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the tribe should collect firewood to be prepared.

But, being a practical leader, after several days he had an idea.

He walked out to the telephone booth on the highway, called the Bureau of Meteorology and asked, "Is the coming winter in this area going to be cold?"

The meteorologist responded, "It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold."

So the elder went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared.

A week later, he called the Bureau of Meteorology again. "Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?"

The meteorologist again replied, "Yes, it's going to be a very cold winter." The elder again went back to his community and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.

Two weeks later the elder called the Bureau again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?" he asked.

"Absolutely," the man replied. "It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever."

"How can you be so sure?" the elder asked.

"The weatherman replied, "There are reports that the Aboriginals are collecting firewood like crazy and that's always a sure sign."

[nick the grief]

A Few Funnies

* If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
* If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.

EATING OUT
* When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in £20, even though it's only for £32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
* When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY
* A man will pay£2 for a £1 item he needs.
* A woman will pay £1 for a £2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale
BATHROOMS
* A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from M&S.
* The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS
* A woman has the last word in any argument.
* Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

CATS
* Women love cats.
* Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

FUTURE
* A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
* A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS
* A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
* A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE
* A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
* A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP
* A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the bins, answer the phone, read a book, and get the post.
* A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL
* Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
* Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING
* Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favourite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
* A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
* Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
* What a woman says: C'mon...This place is a mess. You and I need to clean. Your trousers are on the floor and you'll have no clothes if we don't do the laundry now.
* What a man hears: C'MON . blah, blah, blah YOU AND I blah,blah, blah, blah, blah ON THE FLOOR blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES blah, blah, blah, blah, NOW

"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - strawberries in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and screaming - WOO HOO! What a Ride

[madderbat]

*"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - strawberries in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and screaming - WOO HOO! What a Ride

Just caught my breath after laughing so much.
I want this for my motto!

Mr MB says he feels that he's a failure, "they say live fast, die young and leave beautiful corpse". He's now out on all three, but he enjoyed the ride.

[beefy]

[beefy]

3am this morning I was woken by a knock on the door.
I answered it to a bloke who asked"Couldn't give us a push mate"?
I told him "At this time ??.. B****r off,and bother somebody else"
Went back to bed but my misses said she thought I was a bit harsh as a fellow had helped me push my car a few days ago!
So..I went down ,opened the door and shouted into the darkness,..."Hey mate...do you still want a push"?
"Yes please,that would be great" came the reply
"Where the heck are you?..I can't see a thing"

"Over here.....on the swing".................