Jokes

[beefy]

Technician: "Hello. Tech Support; may I help you?"

Customer: "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."

Technician: "What sort of trouble?"

Customer: "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."

Technician: "Went away?"

Customer: "They disappeared."

Technician: "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"

Customer: "Nothing."

Technician: "Nothing?"

Customer: "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."

Technician: "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"

Customer: "How do I tell?"

Technician: [Uh-oh. Well, let's give it a try anyway.] "Can you see the C:\ prompt on the screen?"

Customer: "What's a sea-prompt?"

Technician: [Uh-huh, thought so. Let's try a different tack.] "Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"

Customer: "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."

Technician: [Ah-at least s/he knows what a cursor is. Sounds like a hardware problem. I wonder if s/he's kicked out his/her monitor's power plug.] "Does your monitor have a power indicator?"

Customer: "What's a monitor?"

Technician: "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like aTV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"

Customer: "I don't know."

Technician: "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find wherethe power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"

Customer: [sound of rustling and jostling] [muffled] "Yes, I think so."

Technician: "Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."

Customer: [pause] "Yes, it is."

Technician: [Hmm. Well, that's interesting. I doubt s/he would have accidentally turned it off, and I don't want to send him/her hunting for the power switch because I don't know what kind of monitor s/he has and it's bound to have more than one switch on it. Maybe the video cable is loose or something.] "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"

Customer: "No."

Technician: "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."

Customer: [muffled] "Okay, here it is."

Technician: "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."

Customer: [still muffled] "I can't reach."

Technician: "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"

Customer: [clear again] "No."

Technician: "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"

Customer: "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle-it's because it's dark."

Technician: "Dark?"

Customer: "Yes-the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."

Technician: "Well, turn on the office light then."

Customer: "I can't."

Technician: "No? Why not?"

Customer: "Because there's a power outage."

Technician: "A power--!?!" ...[AAAAAAARGH!]..... "A power outage? Aha! Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"

Customer: "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."

Technician: "Good! Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."

Customer: "Really? Is it that bad?"

Technician: "Yes, I'm afraid it is."

Customer: "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"

Technician: "Tell them you're TOO STUPID TO OWN A COMPUTER!"

[slam]
.

[beefy]

Technician: [Ah-at least s/he knows what a cursor is. Sounds like a hardware problem. I wonder if s/he's kicked out his/her monitor's power plug.] "Does your monitor have a power indicator?"


Technician: [Hmm. Well, that's interesting. I doubt s/he would have accidentally turned it off, and I don't want to send him/her hunting for the power switch because I don't know what kind of monitor s/he has and it's bound to have more than one switch on it. Maybe the video cable is loose or something.] "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"

Read again LJ
Appology accepted

[beefy]

No Beefy I stick with my original comment - sexist!

How can it be look at all the S/he ,him/her

[beefy]

Two Aerials met on a roof, fell in love, & got married. The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant.

Doctor,my whole body is in incredable agony, everwhere I prod myself with my index finger I get excruciating pain,am I dying Doc'???
No,....your finger is broken!

I went to the doctor and said I think people are treating me like a dog!...he said lie down on the couch.....I said i'm not allowed on the couch!

Why do mice have small balls?
Because not that many of them know how to dance

A young college student had stayed up all night studying for his zoology test the next day. As he entered the classroom, he saw ten stands with ten birds on them with a sack over each bird and only the legs showing. He sat on the front row because he wanted to do the best job possible. The professor announced that the test would be to look at each of the bird's legs and give the common name, habitat, genus, species, etc.

The student looked at each of the birds legs. They all looked the same to him. He began to get upset. He had stayed up all night studying and now had to identify birds by their legs. The more he thought about it, the madder he got.

Finally, he could stand it no longer. He went up to the professor's desk and said, "What a stupid test! How could anyone tell the difference between birds by looking at their legs?"

With that he threw his test down on the professor's desk and walked to the door. The professor was surprised. The class was so big that he didn't know every student's name; as the
student reached the door, the professor called out, "Young man, what is your name?"

The enraged student pulled up his trouser legs and said, "You guess, mate! You guess!"

[filthyrich]

blonde housewife in the states is having breakfast one morning when the guy on the radio says"there will be 4 inches of snow today so please park on the east side so the snow plough can get thru" blond does as told. the same the following day but the west side,blonde moves car . third day during the same request from the weather man theres bad interference and the blonde says to husband what side should i park?,leave it in the garage today babe.!

[nick the grief]

Best Scottish Short Joke...

A guy walks into a Glasgow library and says to the prim librarian,
"Excuse me Miss, day ye hiv ony books on suicide?"

To which she stops doing her tasks, looks at him over the top of her glasses, and says,


"Buggerr off, ye'll no bring it back!"

[nick the grief]

Identity

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam. The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed?

"Breast-fed," she replied.

"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered. She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.

Motioning to her to get dressed the doctor said, "No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk."

"I know" she said, "I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came".

[nick the grief]

A Truly Disturbing Tale

12 year old boy was walking down the street when a car pulled up beside him and the window was wound down.

"I'll give you a bag of lollies if you get in the car", said the driver.

"No way, get stuffed", replied the boy.

"How about a bag of lollies and £10?" asked the driver.

"I said no way", replied the irritated youngster "What about a bag of juicy lollies and FIFTY Pounds eh?",quizzed the driver, still rolling slowly to keep up with the walking boy.

"No, I'm not getting in the fricken car!" answered the boy.

"Okay, okay, I know what you want. I'll give you £100 and a bag of lollies", the driver offered.

"NO!", screamed the boy.

"What will it take to get you in the car?"

Asked the driver with a long sigh.

The boy replied, "Listen Dad, you bought the Volvo, you live with it."

[nick the grief]

And Finaly .......Sex, Church & Pancakes

Teen age sex:
The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex. Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor. The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to top the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms. Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the woman told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms. The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother saying:
"Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!"

Church:
A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the preacher's hand. He said "Preacher, I'll tell you, that was a damned fine sermon. Damned good!" The preacher said, "Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use profanity."
The man said, "I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five thousand Pounds in the offering plate!"
The preacher said, "No ****?"

Pancakes:
Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor. With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.
After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, "Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem."
The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.
"Gee, Mom," he exclaimed. "For me?"
"Just take two," Brenda replied. "The rest are for your father."

[Mrs Dobby]

A Pagan dies, and to his great surprise finds himself standing before some pearly gates. The guy in charge looks him over before asking, "Can I help you?"
"Where am I?" asks the Pagan.
"Beg your pardon?" the other guy asks. "You're in Heaven, of course."
"B-but I don't believe..."
"Hmmm" (squinting his eyes) "are you one of them Pagan folk?" the gatekeeper asks, his mouth curling in mild distaste.
"Yes, I am... I believe I'm in the wrong place, which way is the Summerland?" our Pagan friend asks.
"It's been 'temporarily' shut down for repairs," the gatekeeper said with an ironic chuckle, "ever since we took over...err...I mean... since the people found their way to the true path."
"Whatever," says the Pagan, "What do I do now?"
"I'm sorry sir, but you must go to Hell. No Pagans allowed here."
"WHAT? Hell? But I don't believe in Hell!"
"Sorry, those are the rules, just follow the downward path to the left."
So our Pagan friend walks down to Hell, only to find the doors open. He warily goes in and looks around to see beautiful meadows, and animals happily roaming the surrounding woods. "Hmm, so far so good."
A voice behind him made him all but jump out of his skin. "Can I help you?"
"SHEESH! Give a guy a heart attack, why don't you?"
"Ahem... a little too late for that, isn't it?" the guy said with a smile.
"Who are you, anyway?" our friend asks.
"Why, I'm Satan," the other one said with a slight bow.
"Satan?!" said our friend as he started looking around nervously.
"At your service... you're the Pagan guy Pete called us about, right?"
"Pete... oh the guy in Heaven, yes..." he said, eyeing Satan carefully. "What's gonna happen to me now?"
"Well, you can hang out, there's some great fishing going on in the lake beyond these woods and, if you follow the road down this way, there's refreshments and a little market not too far and to your right. I believe the Pagan meeting grounds are just behind that hill..." Satan went on.
"Are you serious...?" he finally asked.
Satan grinned at him innocently. "Why shouldn't I be?" Sudden understanding filled Satan's eyes. "You don't believe the rumours, do you?"
Suddenly, in answer to our friend's growing fear, the vault of the skies opened with a thunderous groan. A soul, plummeting through the sky, screamed in terror, his screams drowned by the opening of a yawning chasm full of fire and brimstone. The stench of sulphur thickened the air. Thousands of howling, suffering, tortured voices echoed through Hell. When the screaming soul finally fell into the pit, the ground shut closed with a sickening thud that rattled the earth.
Our Pagan friend all but soiled his undies as he yelped in terror. "And what was THAT all about?"
Satan rolled his eyes, and made a dismissive gesture with his hand as he said with a distasteful grimace. "Oh, just ignore that..." He rolled his eyes again. "My Christian guests refuse to have it any other way!"

[Mrs Dobby]

How to give a cat a pill!

How to Give A Cat A Pill

1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3) Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8) Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
9) Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10) Retrieve cat from neighbour's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door on neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12) Call fire department to retrieve the cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.
13) Tie the little bastard's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of steak filet. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
14) Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and remove pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
15) Arrange for RSPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

How to Give A Dog A Pill . . .

1) Wrap it in bacon

[Snadger]

** A Christmas Story for people having a bad day....**

When four of Santa's elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not
produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, Santa was beginning
to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.

Then Mrs Claus told Santa that her Mom was coming to visit. This
stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them
were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out,
heaven knows where.

More stress.

Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked,
and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys.

So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider
and a shot of rum.

When he went to the cupboard he discovered that the elves had
hidden the liquor, and there was nothing to drink.

In his frustration he accidentally dropped the cider pot, and it
broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor.

He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw
end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritable Santa trudged to the
door.

He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big
Christmas tree.

The angel said very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't it
a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you
like me to stick it?"

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the
Christmas tree...................

[madderbat]

shouts of laughter in our house before I finished reading it to Mr MB!
Many thanks Snadger.

[nick the grief]

Variation on a theme

Nun dies and goes to heaven where she is met at the gates by St. Peter.

"Hello Sister" says Peter " before you can come in you have to answer 3 Questions"

"OK" says the Nun "fire away"

"First Question - Who created the universe?"

" Ah thats an easy one, it was God" says the nun
"Second Question - What was the first place on earth called?"

"You'll have to try harder than that, I've studed the scriptures for 40 years, it was called the Garden of Eden"

" Ok then smarty Wimple, What was the first thing Eve said to Adam when they met?"

" Golly, Thats a hard one! " said the Nun

[green ghirl]

Q: How do u know when you've passed an elephant ?

A: Canny get the toilet seat down !