Jokes

[Digger-07]

A tortoise was walking down the street when he is mugged by two snails. When the tortoise police arrive they ask the victim to describe what happened. He replied "sorry officer but it all happened so quickly".

[beefy]

What is a Cat?

1. Cats do what they want.
2. They rarely listen to you.
3. They're totally unpredictable.
4. When you want to play, they want to be alone.
5. When you want to be alone, they want to play.
6. They expect you to cater to their every whim.
7. They're moody.
8. They leave hair everywhere.

CONCLUSION: They're tiny women in little fur coats.

[sewer rat]

Beefy
Not so much a joke as a very astute observation

[madderbat]

What is a Cat?

1. Cats do what they want.
2. They rarely listen to you.
3. They're totally unpredictable.
4. When you want to play, they want to be alone.
5. When you want to be alone, they want to play.
6. They expect you to cater to their every whim.
7. They're moody.
8. They leave hair everywhere.

CONCLUSION: They're tiny women in little fur coats.

Sounds more like a man to me!!!

[pigletwillie]

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of OAPs when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady.

She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.

After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts.

When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks her: "Why don`t you eat the peanuts yourself?"

"We can't chew them because we've no teeth", she replied.


"We just love the chocolate around them."


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What's the most dangerous insect? The hepatitis bee

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[sewer rat]

Glaswegian version of Adam's watermelon joke;
Wee glesga mannie sitting in his local needs to go to the toilet but doesn't wnat to leave his three quarters full pint of heavy sitting at his table in case someone nicks it (as if !)
So, he gets oput a pen and scribbles a note on a torn up beermat. He writes "I have spat in this pint" and wanders off to the gents. As he is returning to his table he is pleaed to see his pint glass is still there with the wee note leaning against it.
However, on sitting down he notices his wee note has been moved and reads a new message written on it - "So Have I!!"

[ugly gourd]

Doctors receptionist
They always ask at the doctor's office why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong and sometimes it is very embarrassing. There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients. I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.

An 86 year old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.... The Receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today??"

"There's something wrong with my dick", he replied.

The Receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that."

Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.

The Receptionist replied; "Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private."

The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone."

The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.

The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes??"

There's something wrong with my ear," he stated..

The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir??"

I can't piss out of it," he replied.

[Peter]

Near where I live there is a village called sibson & the pub is called the Cock Inn - that always makes me smile

Then there is the oldie

They caught a streaker by the Cock at Sibson

I live near a village called Ugley, they have a Womens Institute.

[Digger-07]

I live near a village called Ugley, they have a Womens Institute.

Near Bradford there is the Idle Working Mans Club.

[NOG]

If Ugly can get away with that I am going for,

A man goes into the chiropodist and slaps his old man on the counter.

The receptionist screams "my god thats not a foot"

No says the man "but its a good 9 inches".

[dexterdoglancashire]

Near Bradford there is the Idle Working Mans Club.

I'd forgotten all about that Digger! LOL Dexterdog

[NEWTO THE PLOT]

ok here's a joke

man marries a deaf woman he said to her ok we need a code for abit of the other,if i want it i'll grab ya left boob,if answer is yes tug me old man once,if the answer is no tug him 150 times.

[bubblewrap]

when God created man she was only joking!

[Lady Jana Muck]

A Joke

JOKE

When Dan, a single man, found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with.

So, one evening he went to a singles bar where he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.

'I may look like just an ordinary man,' he said as he walked up to her, 'but in just a week or two, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million pounds.'

Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening and, three days later, she became his stepmother.

Women are so much smarter than men!

[Seahorse]

Good one!