really cross with son's school

[janeyo]

Please bear with me, OH has gone to work and I need to vent.

My son starts Year 1 next term and we have just had the letter to say which class he will be in. There will be 3 classes mixed with the new reception intake (bit complicated but funding issues dictate I suppose).

The letter states that all children have been put with at least one close friend from their class to make the transition easier. Well my son has 3 close friends in the class and they all been put elsewhere.

The same thing happened to him last year when we had to move half way through the pre-school year. He made some new friends at pre-school and we were assured he would be with them in reception, and then he was put in a different class and had to make new friends.

Now he has to make all new friends all over again and I am really cross about this.

Am waiting for the school to ring me or OH back as OH went in all guns blazing this morning.

The trouble is I may be working there as langs teacher in September so don't want to jinx this oppurtunity but on the other hand I have to fight my son's corner too! We are well know for making a fuss at the school as have had several helath and safety issues etc with them over this year as well.

What would you do?

[Hazel at the Hill]

I would say that you make friends easily at that age, and that you have nothing to worry about. The ability to mix and make friends with others is something that is best learnt at an early age, and will stand him in good stead through his life.

I also thing that making a fuss won't change anything as the classes have already been set, and that it will just make your son think it's a 'big deal' when I don't think it is.

Edit to add - so I would take a deep breath, have a coffee, do some weeding and talk to your son about all the exciting new friends he will meet next term. No reason he can't keep friends with the others - it's a different class, not the other side of the world.

[OllieMartin]

Sounds like an awkward situation. I take it he's pretty upset about it?

I remember when I started at secondary school; I was put in a form class with only 1 of my friends. However when we first got their, the teacher sat us by name and since I'm Martin and he was Brandrick we were no where near each other.
In fact we barely got a chance to speak and we pretty much stopped being friends by the end of the first week.

New schools will bring lots of new friends, and though I would imagine your son is apprehensive (exacerbated by the current lack of friends in his class) I guarantee he will make lots of new ones. There won't be any way to convince him of this because it's always a daunting experience, but I'm sure he'll be fine.

That said, I'm sure a phone call to the school to discuss the situation isn't a waste of time, you never know, they may be sympathetic and do something about it.

[janeyo]

I want to think that he will stay friends with them , but the friends he made last year in another class have not been mentioned all year! They have different play-times.

I think it's the fact that it's happened to him twice and that they claim to 'think carefully' about the classes, that makes me cross when they clearly haven't. The teacher herself told me several times this year how nice their little friendship group is.

[Hilary B]

When I started school, there wasn't another child I knew in the class, and nearly all of them knew each other, because most of them had started before they had to, and Mum didn't believe in what was (at the time) known as the 'nursery class' (ie the one for 4yos. I started at 5). Added to which most of them lived rather closer to school than I did, and close enough to play in each other's gardens after school and in the holidays.
It didn't do me any harm.
That the school made claims which were (at best) inaccurate, is bad, but getting your son a rep as the one with the awkward parents won't help him much. Make sure the issue is big enough before you let rip!

[OllieMartin]

From a customer service point-of-view, I think a large part of the problem here is the setting of expectations and the failure to achieve them.
The school said he could be with his friends, and they've failed to achieve this.
Had the school said "There's no way he can be with his friends", you probably wouldn't be as disappointed right now.

If you compare your situation to how bad it could be; he could be in a school with no-one he knows at all. And if you think about it, there will be plenty of kids in that very situation starting at the same time.

The only real time of the school day when friends count is break and lunch time, I'm sure he'll find his old friends, but also plenty of new ones during this time.

[SarzWix]

If it's anything like my kids' primary school, they will get split up now and put back together later, then split up again, then mixed round and put back together. Your son will end up with friends right across the year group, and probably some older and younger ones too. He very likely won't be that bothered about it, unless he sees that you are... Try not to make a big deal out of it and he'll soon settle in with even more friends.
Plus, at that age, their best friends one day can be their worst enemies the next, with very little logic, or reason! Out of all my kids only #2 son has a friend now that he was good friends with at primary school, and they weren't in the same class the whole way through.

[Hilary B]

From a customer service point-of-view, I think a large part of the problem here is the setting of expectations and the failure to achieve them.
The school said he could be with his friends, and they've failed to achieve this.
Had the school said "There's no way he can be with his friends", you probably wouldn't be as disappointed right now.

If you compare your situation to how bad it could be; he could be in a school with no-one he knows at all. And if you think about it, there will be plenty of kids in that very situation starting at the same time.

The only real time of the school day when friends count is break and lunch time, I'm sure he'll find his old friends, but also plenty of new ones during this time.

Agree with all that, and with the comment that he will be more bothered about it if he picks that up from you.

[petal]

You know, the same thing has happened to my son all the way through school. He is about to join upper school, year 9 and is in separate house to his mates - why did they bother to get the kids to fill in a form saying who they want to be with anyway? To make matters worse he is in the same form as an 'enemy'(big fat bully!) when I phoned the year head he said it was because of streaming. I didn't get anywhere...

[pipscariad]

Been mulling this one over for a little while Janeyo. Couldn't you just do without these kind of things? I never realised how much anguish you go through, for all reasons, once you have children! Whilst I'm very sympathetic to your view, as we do want the things that make life best for our little ones, I think that come September your son will cope with the situation and make new friends - although it's tough if he already has a 'good friendship group', but as someone else has said, young children do drift in and out of friendships, and have to cope with this kind of thing at every level of their schooling. My boys started secondary school last year, and went through the same thing, but weathered the storm and have found new friends. Children are very adaptable and I sometimes think that we adults make things 'bigger' than they need to be.

Ultimately, you know your son best (stupid thing to say, but you know what I mean!), and so must do what feels right for you, but although this seems a huge issue at the moment, this time next year all will be different. Que cera etc. Chin up, and I hope I haven't made you feel worse!

[zebedee]

My youngest is now 20 and I am still mad with his school. We are convinced that Joel has a problem in the Autistic Spectrum (I personally think Asbergers), but would the school refer him. WOULD THEY BURBERRY! Apparently we couldnt refer him, it needed the school. No, he was just naughty! A 'problem' boy! He needed parental guidance !!! Boy, did I let rip at that one. How they viewed him is summed up in this incident. He was in Drama, and was playing a person who wasa bank robber, and had been given a 'toy' gun. They were out in the playground, all the rest of the kids were around watching, as well as the Drama teacher. The worst teacher for hating Joel saw him with the gun. Did he try to find out what was happening? Did he try to talk to the Drama teacher. He phoned the freakin police who turned up with an armed response unit!!!!!! How does that look to a 14 year old boy enjoying a lesson he liked with a teacher who actually understood him?????

[janeyo]

I do see the points that he will make new friends, he is very good at making friends and we were told he is one of the most popular children in the class.

I am disappointed that the school claim to keep friends together (when appropriate) and then don't. Had this not been mentioned in theor letter as someone said then I wouldn't have thought twice about it. They don't stream til Yr6.

I am very interested in what the school tell us when they get back to me. Maybe it's beacuse he has always been so adaptable. I just don't think it's right.

[danmon_81]

send him in with a pack of Haribo for lunchtime...he'll soon make loads of friends!!

[janeyo]

lol, then we'd prob get a letter saying sweets are banned due to health and safety reasons!

[zebedee]

My youngest is now 20 and I am still mad with his school. We are convinced that Joel has a problem in the Autistic Spectrum (I personally think Asbergers), but would the school refer him. WOULD THEY BURBERRY! Apparently we couldnt refer him, it needed the school. No, he was just naughty! A 'problem' boy! He needed parental guidance !!! Boy, did I let rip at that one. How they viewed him is summed up in this incident. He was in Drama, and was playing a person who wasa bank robber, and had been given a 'toy' gun. They were out in the playground, all the rest of the kids were around watching, as well as the Drama teacher. The worst teacher for hating Joel saw him with the gun. Did he try to find out what was happening? Did he try to talk to the Drama teacher. He phoned the freakin police who turned up with an armed response unit!!!!!! How does that look to a 14 year old boy enjoying a lesson he liked with a teacher who actually understood him?????

PS: Rant over