Random Question Wednesday: Infertility

[OverWyreGrower]

OK, due to different types of cancer treatment, including some currently and some planned, my 26 year old sister has been told that she is now infertile.

There are all sorts of issues about whether eggs should have been harvested etc when she was first ill 7 years ago, or before this set of treatment started etc.

But, I know she and her partner were talking (before she was ill) about starting a family and she is devastated that this is not possible.

What can I say to her about it? I'm at a total loss here. I have no kids and am not currently feeling the maternal urge (unless its puppies, kittens and baby chicks!) so I really haven't got a clue what to say!

I don't want to not say anything at all and sweep it under the rug, but I don't think that an "oh dear, that's a shame" conversation will cut it!!

Any ideas anyone??

[OllieMartin]

Remember in situations like this she, of course, will have a difficult mix of emotions to deal with herself.
Personally in situations I don't know how to deal with, I've always found that confessing the fact usually works best, although this of course has to be done subtley.
Perhaps you could try asking her if there's anything you can do to support her, telling her that you are amazed with how well she is coping and assuring her that the UK health services are fantastic at dealing with situations like this.

I suffer from a serious illness, and I've barely told any of my friends about it simply because a lot of people don't know how to deal with it. I can't stand sympathy and the best method I've found is when people actually tease me about it! My brothers tell me I caught my condition from being gay (which I'm not, but typical them!) My step-mum on the other hand suffers from a severe cancer, she only wants sympathy and attention and would hate to be teased about it.
In short, everybody's different, I'm sure your sister will appreciate a good shoulder to cry on or someone just to talk to. Just offer your services and wait for her to take you up on it.

[jackie j]

That is hard, my sister who was 4 years older than me was told she couldnt have kids and every time I fell pregnant it was so hard to tell her, but she was ok with it to my face. When she was 40 she had a miscarriage and then later a termination of a downs baby, at the age of 44 she was delighted to have a baby girl. She always loved and wanted kids. My sister then got breast cancer at the age of 50 when her little girl was 6 years old, unfortunatly the cancer had already spread to her bones and my sister died at the age of 56 after a long and corageous battle.
This doesnt help you to console your sister and whatever you say will be wrong, visit her and say you are so sorry she cant have children of her own but you will be there for her. She will be feeling bad as well, knowing that you are finding it hard to say anything. If you are like me and my sister, she will take the lead on this once you have said something. Dont ignore it and say nothing that is far worse get it out in the open.
Sometimes If I had an aching back I would say ' my back is killing me ' of course mine wasnt but hers was, and she would say its ok I know what you mean.

[zazen999]

In times like this, I usually say it's a crap world, and I have nothing constructive/supportive to say as everything I do say sounds crass, but I'll be here for you to rant when you need me. I am also used to hearing swear words so feel free.

Because, in essence, it is a crap world sometimes.

[OverWyreGrower]

In times like this, I usually say it's a crap world, and I have nothing constructive/supportive to say as everything I do say sounds crass, but I'll be here for you to rant when you need me. I am also used to hearing swear words so feel free.

Because, in essence, it is a crap world sometimes.

Cheers A!

We've got over the whole cancer thing, and my sis is getting loads of support from the local hospice but this was a blow she hadn't really seen coming I think...

I shall think of some choice swear words for you!

[di]

There might not be anything you can say...and at times almost definately nothing you can say to make her feel better about it...but just being a sister & there for her is gonna be a big deal!!!x
My sis has Parkinsons...I feel so crap that she can't talk about it,but have accepted that's my problem not hers...she's got a great network of fellow sufferers that she gets a lot of support from,but when she's around me/other family she'd rather not talk about it.
She knows I'm here if ever she does want to chat,but sometimes I think it's better to say nowt at all,as opposed to putting her in the position where she feels she has to.
It is bloody tough watching your sister struggling with the carp that life can throw out & I could rant endlessly on her behalf,but I've grown to accept that's not what she needs.

Another offer of an ear hear if ever you need a rant!xx

[lizzylemon]

I know each case is different and I'm not saying what you should or shouldn't say to your sister. But having been in that position of having had cancer, the truth is always best - you know what you're dealing with.

If it were me, I'd give her a big hug, tell her you have no idea what to say or how to help and then ask her what she wants.

I'm sure babies wasn't some thing that even entered her head when the bomb dropped, getting better was all that mattered and it's only after all the dust settles these life question raise their heads so to be blunt, don't waste time arguing / wondering / wishing her eggs had been harvested or whatever, it wont change the fact.

I know it didn't enter my mind but I was 19 years immature and nowhere near having children. It was never a bother so I can't offer any sort of consilation either, not sure is are any. But I do think whatever happens, you should expect your sister to experience grief and its many & wonderous array of emotions so if you can deal with them, not get angry back, cry with her and face the issue head on, you'll both be OK.

Also, and I do not want to give false hope but at 36 I now have a 15 month old daughter. They were right until they were oh so wrong, but she may not want to hear that just now.

I really really really hope it works out OK for you all.

P.S. if you want to PM me to talk further, I'd be happy to hear from you. There were a few things I looked into / did but haven't gone into here.

[kirsty b]

My nephew was diagnosed with primary bone cancer aged 16, (he is now 19) and was asked about freezing sperm before chemo in case he wanted children at a later date. At the time all of us (him included) had a bit of a giggle about it, but it is a serious issue.
We have all tried to support my sister through this as it has been very hard for her to watch her son go through what he has done and kids are not exactly on his list at the moment, and whenever I have been at a loss, I just fessed up to it and asked her and we took it from there. She and Brad both know that we are there 100%, whenever they need us.
Hug her, be honest and take your lead from her. Good luck, there is no 'right' way

[OverWyreGrower]

Thanks everyone... just hearing other people's views helps!

Sis has gone to the local hospice for day care today. She is booked in for reflexology, a massage, some hypnotherapy/relaxation and there is craft in the afternoon - sounds like a lovely day.

She has also been referred to a consultant with an interest/experience in her cancer and fertility.

We're just starting preparations for her stem cell transplant in November - sorting the dogs out, time off work for me and OH etc.

She is very positive in general, and I know we'll get through this!

I'm taking her some herbs and veg in pots at the weekend to cheer her up (courgettes, spring onions, a melon plant, cucumber plant, rosemary, parsley, oregano)

[julesapple]

An old school friend of mine had cancer, luckily for her she had already had a child. But she said to me 'normal women have the choice as to whether or not they have kids, what hurts is that I don't have the choice any more' She was very lucky to have her wee boy, but she and her husband had planned a very large family.

As to what to say, I said that I don't know what to say or what to do, but if I did know what to say or do, then I would surely say or do it. My friend was very grateful for the honesty especially as I had said how useless I felt. She said just being there, just listening was what she needed of family & friends.

Sounds to me like you & yours are doing a fab job. Your sister is the important one here, but don't forget to look after yourself too.....maybe book a pamper day for yourself too?

Jules