Heartbreaking

[zazen999]

I've just got in from seeing a Grape [hiya]....to find 2 christmas cards delivered.

They have been sent second class.

They are from my neighbour.

Her hubby [aged about 90] is in hospital, and she is on her own there [she is about 95].

They are a very private couple; they called on me to help Mrs up one day after she fell, rather than ask people they had known for 40 years to help.

She is on her own, can't walk without a zimmer, still gets a taxi to the Co-op every day, she would never ask for help - nor would she accept it.

She has sent 2 cards; both addressed to us next door; so obviously forgot that she had sent the first one and has sent a second.

We [us two and a couple of the neighbours] are very worried about her being alone there all the time; her children live down in Kent - I know she has a nurse call round every now and then but I don't think she calls round all that often these days.

What can one do? I don't think she should be there alone; neither do our neighbours, and nobody seems to do anything about it? Apart from keep an ear out; and check that she is ok when she is out and about.....I know the neighbour on the other side also listens out for her.

Am I wrong to be worried? She was in hospital herself, and then in a home earlier this year after she fell because she had a bad leg and needed constant care.......

Before anyone says 'don't interfere' - I'm not going to! Neither are any of the other neighbours - as short of calling social services there isn't much that can be done.....but it doesn't stop me worrying.

[FionaH]

You are quite right hon, apart from keeping an eye out there is nothing you can do. I have seen hospitals discharge frail elderly patients on a Friday evening have to manage all weekend, and longer without a care package.
If you have a local GP and she is also registered there it could be worth mentioning your concerns.
Good on you for noticing though so often people don't

[piskieinboots]

I wasn't going to say 'don't interfere'!

I would pop around (if it were me) daily, maybe making an excuse (if you feel you need one) like 'I've made too many mince pies, can you help me out and take a couple'.

Or just to ask how her hubby is?

I accept that she isn't the 'sort' to want help, or at least that is what you may assume, it may be that she just doesn't know how to ask. She may come to relax and enjoy a quick cuppa with you each day.

I would call around

[Bex]

That is heartbreaking, but I think you are doing all you can really without seeming to be interferring but it should be reassuring for the lady to know she has such caring neighbours.

[Bigmallly]

I was also going to suggest her GP. The only other thing I can suggest is contacting the ward where her husband is and airing your concerns. There must be something the local PCT/Social Services can do to help.

[zazen999]

I wasn't going to say 'don't interfere'!

I would pop around (if it were me) daily, maybe making an excuse (if you feel you need one) like 'I've made too many mince pies, can you help me out and take a couple'.

Or just to ask how her hubby is?

I accept that she isn't the 'sort' to want help, or at least that is what you may assume, it may be that she just doesn't know how to ask. She may come to relax and enjoy a quick cuppa with you each day.

I would call around

The problem is; like us - they spend most of the time in the back of the house and I feel guilty even popping round as she has to get up, get her zimmer, and shuffle to the front of the house to open the door. She really isn't the sort of person you'd have a cuppa with!!! I think her family were high up in the ranks locally; and I know she still shouts at various people who have tried to help!

[FROSTYFRECKLE]

Well the good thing is your neighbour knows she can rely on you in a crisis. Can you and the other neighbours take it in turns to (as Piskie suggested) "I've made too many mince pies", "I've made too much soup and my freezer is full", use any excuse to pop in, have a chat, cuppa, whatever. Will anything stop you worrying? Eh, no! You are kind enough to show compassion for your neighbour, it will be in your nature to fret that your very elderly neighbour is okay, safe and sound.

[piskieinboots]

I think her family were high up in the ranks locally; and I know she still shouts at various people who have tried to help!

So know your place and doff ya cap and shout back saying 'I'm not deaf ya silly ole bat' - then fix her a G&T if she isn't the sort for a cuppa

[SarzWix]

Post a Christmas card back with both your phone numbers on in large print, and a note saying "I don't want to be pushy/interfering/busybody, but, if I can be of any assistance at all, please call - I'm a great chauffeur" or something of that nature?

[Incy]

Post a Christmas card back with both your phone numbers on in large print, and a note saying "I don't want to be pushy/interfering/busybody, but, if I can be of any assistance at all, please call - I'm a great chauffeur" or something of that nature?

Took the words right out of my fingers Sarz.
Good for you for noticing though zazen. too often elderly folk are left on their own with noone keeping an eye out.
Our next door neighbour is also elderly and alone since his wife died earlier this year. We have made it very clear we're here any time he needs anything and also have his daughter's phone number in case there are any problems. Thankfully he is still pretty active so we see him most days over our fence but it's always good to know you have a source of help should you need it.

[HeyWayne]

Might be worth seeing if your local village/town has a scheme set up to volunteer. I know our village has something set up where you can offer to help out, or register for help.

[Bren In Pots]

Post a Christmas card back with both your phone numbers on in large print, and a note saying "I don't want to be pushy/interfering/busybody, but, if I can be of any assistance at all, please call - I'm a great chauffeur" or something of that nature?

I was going to suggest the same thing, our elderly neighbour used to phone me if she needed prescription or little things like changing light bulbs.

[Seahorse]

Might asking her to 'help' you now and again be a better way to build up a relationship? You know, things like 'I just can't make scones like my Gran used to, can you show me where I'm going wrong?' or 'I want to photograph some local sites but I could really use the help of someone who has lived round here a while in helping me pick whats important'? She sounds quite 'proud' and very reticent (nothing wrong with either) but maybe if she felt she was assisting the young folk, she'd feel happier all round about more social interaction?

[Incy]

Might asking her to 'help' you now and again be a better way to build up a relationship? You know, things like 'I just can't make scones like my Gran used to, can you show me where I'm going wrong?' or 'I want to photograph some local sites but I could really use the help of someone who has lived round here a while in helping me pick whats important'? She sounds quite 'proud' and very reticent (nothing wrong with either) but maybe if she felt she was assisting the young folk, she'd feel happier all round about more social interaction?

That's a really good idea seahorse. Our neighbour loves it when I ask his advice about growing stuff. He often leans over the fence and says "hmmmm, did you know....." I love it, he's been growing his own for years so is my personal guru

[zazen999]

I don't think she's the type to ask about scones [they used to go out to have lunch at the co-op every day, I don't think they cook at all]; but am liking the Christmas Card with our phone numbers on them with a message 'call us if you need anything'.

I've just looked at the cards and they say 'Mrs x', not 'Mr and Mrs x'.....I'm sure she would have told SOMEONE if he had died. I'm even more worried now, as it was him that we chatted to when he was doing his garden. I'm going to pop round to another neighbour tomorrow and see if we can find out which hospital he went to.

Some other good ideas, I'll mention them tomorrow and see if we can do something to see what is going on without 'interfering'. Thanks Grapes. xxx