Help for my friend please...

[OverWyreGrower]

OK grapes, thinking caps on!

My best friend at work is having a really hard time. Her husband has recently been diagnosed with primary progressive MS (he is 41). He has gone very downhill in the last 6 months, and was fitted for a wheelchair yesterday. Last week he collapsed in the town centre, and she had to rush out of work to help him. They've had the OT out to look at their house and find ways to modify it (wet room, stairlift etc) as moving isn't an option.

At work, she is currently waiting to have her job role evaluated, which will hopefully mean a pay-rise for her; however she is having trouble being recognised in the role by other people who treat her like a spare part in meetings etc.

With all the stress both at home and work, she has become sharp and snippy with a lot of people; and although people have tried to give allowances, she has been worse the last week or so.

Someone asked me yesterday if there was anything I could do to stop her being like this, as it was beginning to be noticed and commented on by other people.

I know that if I say this to her, she'll blow up and tell me that people should keep their noses out. (It's all water off a ducks back to me, as I know her and her moods).

I'm really stuck with how to handle this. She is so stressed and worried at the moment with her home life, and the current stresses at work are pushing her over the edge.

I've invited her and hubby, and another friend and partner to our house for tea in a week or so; but I'm really unsure how to deal with the whole work thing.

Any ideas?

[Alison]

Difficult one as she really is having a hard time at the moment. Have you considered telling her about somebody you know who is taking it out on people and how difficult it can be when you're stressed and how easy it is to lash out ie talk about her but make it sound like you're talking about somebody else. That way she may not take it so personally and may listen. Difficult to say without knowing her and it wouldn't work if she's the sort of person where subtle doesn't work.

[ginger ninger]

This sounds like a classic case of depression, I'd suggest that she talks to her Dr, they might recommend she goes to see a councillor, This is what happened to me when I took too much emotional baggage on, Its nothing to be ashamed off, its the body's way of telling you it can't cope, I was prescribed antidepressants and to be honest I put them in the drawer and wouldn't take them, but eventually I did, I'm so much better now, I have my moments when I turn into a jabbering mess but on the whole I'm getting there. They sit and listen to you, they have a way of getting to the root of why your depressed in the first place, mine went back years to when I was 11 years old and I was bullied. Talk to her.
With regard to people ignoring her, depression and the ability to assert you self go hand in hand, try and get her to enroll in a class to learn how to be more assertive, there lots of fun.
Good Luck, I hope your able to help her. xx

[SueA]

It must be really difficult for your friend & I'm sure she can't help how she's behaving at all. Inviting then round for a meal is a lovely idea as probably with her husband being ill they don't get so may invitations now as people will be unsure how to react to their situation. As you can take the flak so to speak I'd just ask her if there's anything you can do to help as you've noticed she's become very stressed, I'd try not to mention that other people are talking about this as it might make her feel a bit paranoid. You just being a good friend will probably be a help.

[OllieMartin]

I'd be inclined to back her up when the people at work comment. It can't be easy dealing with the situation and people having to handle her snapping is small-fry compared with what she's dealing with. I'm sure her moods will calm down as she becomes accustomed to the changes.

If you have to discuss it with her, you could word it from her side, as in "So-and-so commented on how you're acting very different recently, I told him he should try coping with things as well as you have!" Could probably be worded better, but I'm sure you get my drift.

[di]

I don't know how close you are...you say best friend at work,does that mean your just pals or do you have a friendship where you confide with one another more personal stuff?

One of my closest friends has had a really tough year...and still is.
It got to the stage where no matter how much she told us and herself she was coping I just had to sit her down and make her admit that she wasn't.Yep,lots of tears followed and I had dreaded the conversation,worrying she would take offence,but as a friend I knew I had to take that risk.For me the choice was to either stand by and watch her spiral downwards even further,or sit her down and make her realise that she did need to accept/ask for help.

I'm not sure that I'd mention to your friend that others have commented on her mood swings,if you're with her at work just say that you've noticed that she's being a little snappy and you know it's not like her and does she need to chat.Maybe arrange once a week to go out for coffee or a bit of window shopping...trying on hideous clothes that you'd never buy,anything to try and give her a little break from both work and home and if it's weekly then something to look forward to.

Good luck with it.x

[Rhona]

Terribly difficult - she's lucky to have you around. As Alison says, it's so hard to know without knowing the person, but different things work for different people. Counselling/talking about it etc. will only help some, but not others. I personally run a mile from talking about stuff until I've got my own head around something - just the way I prefer to deal with things, but I'd never assume for a second it would be the same for anyone else.

I think to be honest, just keep doing what you're doing, be a friend, be considerate (and encourage others to do the same), and let her take the lead. There's no quick fix for her, the poor thing. It rather sounds as though it's other people at work that need the talking to, to be honest. If people around her can be understanding without stifling, then that may help.

It's a complex situation - if she takes a break from work, then home is stressful and worrying for her too. It doesn't sound like anything's going to be solved quickly, but like I say - she's lucky to have good friend close at hand at work.

[Glutton4...]

Does anyone else at work know her personal situation? Maybe they should be told. It can't be at all easy for her. I think you should tell her that other people think she's become snappy lately, as she may not realise that she's doing it. It's very easy to become wrapped up in your own problems, and not realise how you are reacting with other people. Good for you for wanting to help, and not just brush it under the carpet. Fingers crossed for her, and her OH.

[Hilary B]

This will only work if she is the sort to react a particular way.
IF a tactful mention sets her off, would she rant a bit and then burst into tears on your sympathetic shoulder?
I know some that would do just that, and be in a receptive frame of mind afterwards.
Advising her to go to the doc might produce just as vlatile a response, but if you get the 'rant-tears-listen' sequence THAT is the time to mention doctors and depression.
f that one isn't an option, then I would go with the more subtle versions (either pretend it isn't her that is being discussed, or, rather better, tell her how horrible the others are being to complain about her). In fact, I suspect that might be the best way to get the 'after tears listening' reaction, and in all honesty and based on your description, I can't imagine that she will actually HEAR any advice without it!

[FROSTYFRECKLE]

You can understand why your friend is short tempered. The dreams/hopes/wishes her and her husband have had are now shattered due to the MS and it's consequences. There is a bit of a grieving process when a partner becomes seriously ill. Is part of the problem your friend's work? She might want to work but can she cope? - lack of sleep/stress levels/worrying if her hubby is safe/okay? I'm sorry I don't have any advice other than just be her friend.

[zazen999]

I wouldn't deal with the work thing when she is with you at home; I'd deal with it either straight after work or at a lunchtime.

What I'd ask first is what does her manager think about it? Are they doing anything to support her at the moment?

If they are supportive, then they need to take her aside and offer her support. If not it might all be down to you....

The angle I'd go in with is to go through the fact that she might not be seeing it but she is not demonstrating her best points at the moment, and try and mentor her through this time by getting her to be stronger in meetings and to manage her image so that she maintains dignity and doesn't upset people. Not everyone knows what's going on and although it is heartbreaking for her, at work they are entitled to a decent response [even when she feels like screaming]. Otherwise she could be on the end of a grievance which really wouldn't help matters. Also be there for her; help her to go through what she wants from these meetings and how to achieve it, and get her to swear-text you when she feels like telling someone where to get off. [We used to do this all the time to diffuse potentially volatile situations].

I'd also go through the 'yeah, X is a complete *** but she runs the [tuck shop] so lets keep her sweet' approach. Play the game so to speak. Absolutely crucial if you want to get on in life! Make it into a game between you - work out whether her nemesis is visual/aural/kinesthetic and see how many of those type of words she can get into the conversation - or how many 'nice' words she can get into the 'air' when she is at these meetings 'Nice word bingo'......anything really to get her to think positively and be nice to people.

Also, do you talk about these colleagues at all? Tell her how you deal with X/Y/Z and how they are wrapped round your little finger as they love [sailing, dogs, gardening, xbox]....

[OverWyreGrower]

Thanks everyone, loads of good ideas for me to work on!

Feel better that I am not completely going at this the wrong way etc!

Her line manager, unfortuately, isn't much use (so to speak). He was widdowed suddenly in September and is juggling a very senior role and 2 young children. I think that's why she's losing it a bit, as everything seems to be happening at once to her.

[zazen999]

Thanks everyone, loads of good ideas for me to work on!

Feel better that I am not completely going at this the wrong way etc!

Her line manager, unfortuately, isn't much use (so to speak). He was widdowed suddenly in September and is juggling a very senior role and 2 young children. I think that's why she's losing it a bit, as everything seems to be happening at once to her.

Aah, that won't help matters.

Good luck however you approach it.

[dexterdoglancashire]

At least she has got you as a friend Shelley. I wish I could offer some advice, but I can't. I can't believe your friend is still going to work after everything that is happening to her. Could she not be given some compassionate leave or something similar, just to get her bearings? Im sure she and her hubby will be looking forward to coming round to yours for a meal, perhaps you may be able to do that on a regular basis? It will be nice for your friend to relax and enjoy herself away from work. Hope it all works out OK.

[miffy]

I took my friend to a really nice country pub for a meal and we sat and talked about things and as she relaxed i was able to tackle the more difficult issues.
It ended up with her really pouring out her heart and we solved alot that lunchtime.
It is difficult but if you do not tackle this you will continue to worry and it will just continue to get worse.
Good luck and take care.