FIL wants to go into home - any advice?

[gorgeousgrower]

Hi everyone. My father in law, after many years of wanting to stay in his own home, has decided he'd be better off in a 'home'.

My husband will be getting onto social services on Monday as he's already 'on their books' (so to speak) as he has carers going in twice a day to check on him and do anything he needs. He's still pretty independent, but can't really get out and about without alot of help. He tried meals on wheels but didn't like the food and prefers to prepare his own meals (mainly ready meals) and we provide meals as and when we can.

WE don't think a 'home' is probably what he needs as he's not suffering with dementia or anything like that. We're thinking that sheltered accommodation with a warden at hand and a day centre attached may be better - so he can have some company as and when he chooses. We'd like him to be nearer us (currently approx. 10 miles away).

I'm sure there's loads of you who've had experience of this - any advice is much appreciated.

Thanks
GG

[BarleySugar]

When my mum became unable to stay at home on her own she was assessed by social services as requiring residential care, and the amount of funding available was set by this. We found a lovely place, but it needed a top up of £100 a week, over the funding. Mum did not own her home, and she wasn't allowed to use her savings, but as there are quite a few of us (7), we could meet the amount required.
The residential home was more like a very friendly hotel. Anyone well enough could pop out to the shops, get a bus into town etc, and were just asked to let the home know in advance if they didn't expect to be back for meals etc. Coffee was served in the morning, and tea in the afternoon, as well as lunch and dinner. All the residents were expected to make their way to the dining room, which encouraged them to move, and to socialise with other people. The home also arranged activities, like painting classes, gentle exercises, pianist etc. Obviously this was factored into the cost.
When Mum was in hospital some of the carers visited her on a friendly basis, and she'd only been living there 3 months. The sad thing was she deteriorated quite quickly and then had to be re-assessed and needed nursing care, so had to move. The care package is decided for them by soial services, and that determines the type of home they can go to, as far as I understood it with Mum.
Some friends of ours, in their 70s, decided to sell their home and buy a flat in sheltered accomodation. It is totally self contained, with call buttons for the warden who can obviously gain access. They moved in just after Christmas, and it is rather different for them, but as they are both quite active they are relishing the opportunity for new surroundings and opportunities while they can still participate in them.
These are the two examples I know of, I'm sure others will be able to give more in depth, or different information.

[quark1]

Well, just as if you're chosing a childminder, don't necessarily take the first offer you get.

Suggest that you take FIL to a selection of both types of home/sheltered accom so you can all judge the quality and level of care/attendance offered.

If he is still able to do some tasks for himself such as cook a simple meal and swish a duster around - then the sheltered, warden type sounds like the best first move. My own gut feel is that if everything is taken from a person who still can do some things they just give up.

On the other hand if he can afford the hotel-type home where most things are done for him and this is what he wants - why not?!

Think the major concern is the back-up medic-wise that any accom has. An elderly neighbour of mine went into a sheltered bedsit with its own kitchenette and bathroom. He was looked in on at least twice a day and there were pull-cords throughout for him to summon emergency help if needed. At least one of the married couple who were wardens were from a nursing background - I think this is quite common. The great thing he had was that as the other residents were also quite 'able' at their time of life many excursions were arranged and he used to go out several times a month on a coach visit somewhere. They also arranged activities in the common lounge where the residents could pick and choose how much they did. I'm sure the quality of wardens varies and it will be for you to determine how many go the extra mile to make life enjoyable, entertaining and safe for FIL.

There will of course be the dramatic downsizing of his personal bits and pieces, which you will no doubt have to help with, which may not be easy for him.

It may be a good idea to see if any of the places you visit have contingency for either getting in extra care or moving to a place where more intensive care might be required if his future condition gets to a point where he needs more doing. At least he has made the decision to go this way and it will make any such move so much easier for the family.

Hope it all works out.

[carlseawolf]

I work in a residentual home as a cook and my partner does activities in the same home and these are a few facts i would take into concideration.

1. put your father in resbite for a week or two in diffrent homes to see if he likes the place , because a person going into care willingly is alot happyer than a person just plonked in any old home because its nearer to family ( they will be there 7 days a week , you may only be able to visit 2 days a week.

2 just because the home is clean and well run does not always make it a happy home , ( this advice comes from the goverment inspectors as they don't just cover care and food but the overall package, some homes that are single owner run but shabby in apperance can still give good standards of care)

3 every care home gets inspected at least yearly and can be found on the web to be viewed by the public stating there findings. the home should also have a copy on general display for you to read without the need for you to ask.

4 a home can not stop you relative from poping out to the shops or to see friends if in a fit condition if your relative signs a form to say they will not be liable , only a doctor can stop them going on medical grounds.

5 when inspecting a home ask to see the kitchen , ask to see the menu , and talk to the activities corodinator to find out what they have to offer.

6 when in a home they get doctors and dentist appointments alot quicker.

I hope this is of some help.

[rustylady]

My personal feeling is that maybe sheltered accommodation with a resident warden and communal facilities might be better. There are various options on offer, from bungalows to flats to bedsits, but at least the residents can then choose how much time they want to spend on their own, and how much time they want to spend with others. English Churches Housing have some very good schemes. Check the websites. Moving into a residential home can result in a complete loss of independence, which is not always good. Whichever option he chooses in the end, make personal visits. Get a feel of the place. Standards Commission reports are factual, and what seems excellent on paper may not be as good or comfortable for the people living there.

[SueA]

I think from what you say your FIL would be happier in sheltered accomodation as he likes to cook his own food & have a little independence. My auntie lived in a block or warden controlled apartments in a bedsit with it's own kitchen & bathroom, emergency cords to call the warden if needed (she used it when she had a stroke in the bathroom), a communal room where they had events & entertainment etc. & she made lots of friends. Hope your FIL is happy whatever he chooses.

[Brengirl]

What to do with the elderly loved ones is such a soul searching decision. When my dear mum, who owned her own home, became a liability to herself we built an extension to our home to accommodate her at weekends initially, but before long her stay became permanent. It was all I wanted and needed to do after all the years of care she had given me. However, remembering the traumas we had I would never ever put my own kids in that position. I would be a case for euranathia before then.
It is such a huge debate and I could say more but.....

[Rixy]

Mum in Law is in a sheltered flat, she sold her house to fund the purchase but there are many schemes in place from full ownershhip to part own/part rent etc.

Raglan Housing Association

[mrdinkle]

Wherever you look, if they insist on an appointment for a visit I'd be wary. If they are happy for you to turn up that is better. Visit more than once at different times, try and collar visiting relatives and ask how they find the home, ask about staff ratios (night/day), check the CQC rating (formerly CSCI) - though take them with a pinch of salt and check they are up to date. Vet them a bit, do some research on the internet (type 'home name, complaints' into google).

Most of all - goodluck!

[gorgeousgrower]

Thanks everyone for sharing your own experiences and the advice too. It'll definitely help.

Social services are being a real pain at the mo. Hubby has had to call them every day for a week as FIL's care manager has left. The duty care manager was supposed to return his calls but hasn't so he's been onto their Manager today and told them it's not on! All we're trying to do at the moment is get a date asap for a re-assessment and then decide on necessary action - how hard can it be ???

FIL is saying that he just wants everything done for him - he's beginning to give up. Carers are supposed to check his medication every day but they clearly aren't doing it as my hubby found a lot of loose tablets in his drugs drawer. His sight has deteriorated quite a bit and he drops things without realising it. We'd love him to be in sheltered acc near us but if we can't rely on SS carers doing what they're supposed to do, then a care home may be the way to go. At the end of the day it's got to be FIL's decision I guess.

thanks again
GG

[Brengirl]

I will add that to our disgust my Mum was charged £500 per week in the local sheltered home in order that my OH and I could take a two week break. I would add that my Mum killed herself two weeks after that. It was the last straw.

[Rossa]

My friend's mother is 92 and still in her own home locally to us though mainly blind now. has carers 3 times a day and her meals are frozen, delivered every 2 weeks. The carers heat her food in the microwave for her as she can't see to work the buttons. They check she's dressed, cut her nails etc. Occasionally she still goes out to church and local events, coffee mornings that sort of thing.

She had an operation last year and was a bit fearful of being on her own. She went into respite care for a couple of weeks but wanted to be in her own home. Recently she has started asking regularly to go into a home but when asked about it admits that she only wants to do that because she thinks someone will get to her quickly if she fell or something else happened.

She has an alarm that she wears around her neck and Val, my friend, is only 10 mins away. To be honest, even in a home, she would spend most of her day doing exactly what she does now. Listen to the radio, talking books or the TV. So would she be better off? It's a hard call but maybe you should ask your FIL what it is about being in a home he thinks would be different from what he has now. Is it company he needs or what?

My own grandmother is 98 and also in her own home. We only lost my grandfather a year ago and while she is lonely she would fight tooth and nail to stay put. Ok so she sits staring into the garden and is in a world of her own but she wouldn't mix with other people as it was only her and him for so long (married 72 years). She also has carers 3 times a day and has one overnight. This is done on a lodging basis. Sebastian works as a carer during the day and sleeps in the house overnight so that there is someone there in case she has a problem. He gets free B&B in return for that. Don't know if all social services allow this but he says it is quite common.

They're the only 2 cases I can tell you about. I hope it works out for all of you.