I have a dilemma

[milly2306]

and need some advice please. basically my son and his girlfriend lost their jobs and she got kicked out of her house. oh and i took her in and my son lives with his dad. they are supposed to be looking for jobs and somewhere to live and for the past few days they have done nothing but mess about all day drinking and playing on their stupid phones! am i being unreasonable in expecting them to find jobs and a house/flat to rent? i feel like i am being taken for a complete mug and just want to tell her to move out.
thanks for listening xxxx

[Brengirl]

I have never had this predicament so am hardly able to give specific advice.
All I know is that kids however old will always feel that mum or dad are going to pull out all stops to keep them safe and happy. To us it seems like taking advantage but to them it's what mums and dads do. If they are behaving like children - treat them like children. Punish them by taking away their toys and ultimately telling them where to go.

btw...her Mum has obviously had enough. You have two choices.

[jackie j]

I have had this sort of thing, my son married and had already moved out, they split up and he came home for 12 months, drove me potty. He got a new gf and I made the mistake of letting her stay over at christmas, after that she stayed every weekend, they were both working, they moved into a flat and a while later they split up, no way was I having him home again I just couldnt stand it. He moved in with his eldest brother and gf but he soon got a flat of his own.
I think you have to be straight with them and tell them that while you are happy to help them short term they MUST look for somewhere else to live and give them a time scale.
I think you have to be cruel to be kind.

[milly2306]

i think you are right, i think i'll give them until end of september. i feel like a visitor in my own home at the moment. still, the garden is benefiting cos i spend most of my time out there just to get out of the house. one of the problems is i think me and oh are getting a bit set in our ways, since we got together we have always lived just the 2 of us and the dog and thats the way we like it, i hate having to sleep with the bedroom door shut, not being able to slob about in just my underwear and generally do as i please. god that makes me sound like a right moaning cow and i'm not, honestly. i just resent someone else lazing about in my house all day while i work 9.5 hours a day and saturday mornings!! moan over xxxx

[Two_Sheds]

I'm a hard cow, me.
I'd give her a deadline, say a month. I'd also charge her a nominal rent if she isn't earning her keep with housework etc. (you could always save up the rent and present it to them as a gift at a later date).

What is that poster? "don't mistake kindness for stupidity"

[zazen999]

I'd sit her down and tell that you are doing her a favour, and don't like to have the p taken out of you in your own home.

Then thrust over her chores listing with 'monday - clean kitchen, tuesday - clean bathroom, wednesday - shopping' etc etc and tell her in no uncertain terms that if she isn't in agreement, then she is welcome to leave. And you expect her to either pay her way or show her gratitude through the medium of household chores until the end of the month when she will be moving out.

Else you will show her the door.

Capiche?

[zazen999]

Sorry.

I meant to say....

Capiche? The kettle's in the kitchen, and I'll have 2 sugars please. Cheers doll.

[Florence Fennel]

All of the above. Been here, done that! If you can't tackle the girl, talk to your son, but make sure there is a timescale in place and be firm! You have every right to be comfortable in your own home.

[Glutton4...]

Nah, kick her out. If her own Folks won't have her....!

[bobleponge]

Its a difficult one when its your own child involved.
I would probably broach the subject with your son rather than his girlfriend initially, and let him know that you are doing them a favour, and currently you dont feel your hospitality is being respected enough.
I would definitely do the household chores thing though, up at a reasonable hour to help etc etc.

I think I would baulk at giving my own flesh and blood a deadline to move out, but I would certainly "encourage" them by whatever means possible.

[Seahorse]

You don't sound at all unreasonable to me. I think the vast majority of us would happliy take in our extended family for as long as it took, if they really needed it but it does rather sound as though you're being taken advantage of

FWIW, I think you should still sleep with the bedroom door open and parade around in your frillies! It's your house - if Miss Moo doesn't like it, she knows where the door is!

[Glutton4...]

... FWIW, I think you should still sleep with the bedroom door open and parade around in your frillies! It's your house - if Miss Moo doesn't like it, she knows where the door is!

And lots of 'heavy breathing' type noises, too. Embarrass her out! LOL

[Jelliebabe]

You don't sound at all unreasonable to me. I think the vast majority of us would happliy take in our extended family for as long as it took, if they really needed it but it does rather sound as though you're being taken advantage of

FWIW, I think you should still sleep with the bedroom door open and parade around in your frillies! It's your house - if Miss Moo doesn't like it, she knows where the door is!

here here! My husband and I moved in with my Mum for 6 months 4 years ago while we were looking for a house, we both worked full time and still ook over the chores... My mum is now over 70 and we didnt expect her to DO for us!

[BrokenOphelia]

As a fairly young person myself I think they are behaving incredibly unreasonably. I can't work but I would give my left leg to be able to and if I could I would be out looking for work right now. I had a year off when I was university and went back to my parents. I worked to earn rent and did housework and cooking for them as payment for them letting me stay at home for the year. I do not think it is unreasonable for you to expect them to be making some kind of effort. It is never nice to have your personal space invaded once you have gotten used to having it to yourself.

I think a timeline is reasonable and also setting out a list of things that they have to do around the house. You also could make sure that they do the minimum required 2 hours a day that is required by the government for anyone on Jobseekers Allowance (as I am assuming having lost their jobs that they are now claiming this, if not then they should be) and pretty soon they will have themselves a job. You should also march them down to the local council housing office and tell the council you are only willing to house them for so long and they need to have a place for them by a certain date, that tends to speed housing issues along nicely.

Good luck. I know my advice may seem harsh but I think they really are taking advantage and you just have to kick em up the bum and get them in gear again to do something to help themselves as well as to make sure they aren't taking advantage anymore.

[Comfreyfan]

I think you've been more than reasonable and a time limit has to be set. I had a similar situation recently with SD and her bf who stayed for 3 weeks, but I did resent coming home after a day at work and then having to start cooking meals, doing the washing etc when there had been 2 adults in the house all day doing nothing. If it had continued it would have become a real issue.

When I was between college and work, my parents gave me the household budget and I took over running the home, all housework, shopping and cooking to pay my way.

It's your home and the rules are yours. And I don't think you're stuck in your ways - OH and I are the same, it's lovely to have visitors, but it's even nicer when they leave!