Foreign Weddings: opinion

[jojo2910]

I just wanted to see what opinion was like on this. Earlier this year I got married in UK. Small and lovely, which was our style. I was conscious throughout the process that people coming to the wedding shouldn't have to fork out too much.

A friend of ours is pregnant and as such they want to get married before the baby is due. She always wanted to get married in a foreign country and we are planning to go early next year. Its going to cost us about £1000 and 5 days precious annual leave. The wedding is mid week and the times of flights mean we would struggle to do it in less time/cost, without making things stressful and tiring.

On top of this I learnt the hen do is being planned post baby but also in a foreign country. I know its not my style but is this asking too much of friends? Both OH and myself have agreed that we really want to go to the wedding but in order to do so, we have had to change our holiday plans and cancel a prospective holiday later in the year to be able to afford this in terms of holiday and money.

I can't work out if I am being selfish or not. No offence taken if I am.

[Alison]

What your friend wants to do for her wedding and hen do is entirely up to her but if it's very costly / time consuming then it's not unreasonable that not everybody will be able to go. When we got married there were things we compromised on so that as many of our friends and family could be there as possible as to us our wedding wouldn't have been the same without them but I know a couple who didn't know anybody apart from the witnesses at their wedding and that was fine by them. If this is a close friend then I suggest you talk to her to explain that it's nothing personal and that you really wish them well etc etc and unless she is a selfish you know what then she will be fine about it. If she's so wrapped up in herself that she thinks everybody should revolve around her then that's her problem and certainly not yours. Hope you see what I mean as am struggling to put it down properly.

[Glutton4...]

No, I think they are being selfish, but as it's their wedding, they can have it when and where they like! I also think they are lucky that they can, and that they aren't being pressured into what their respective families want. This has been discussed on this forum already this year.

I would say, if you want to go, then go. If you don't want to make the sacrifices, don't go. You can always tell them that you can't make it, due to prior financial commitments (Holiday) and maybe get round it by buying them a super present instead!

Just read Alison's thread, and I think we're saying the same thing!

[Hilary B]

I think Alison summed it up quite well. What someone wants for their 'big day' is their business, but they shouldn't expect people they know to drop everything in order to fit in!
If you MIND what you are having to miss in order to go, then there is no reason you shouldn't mention how hard it is to afford. If it was a friend of mine, I would be likely to tell them that I couldn't afford both the trip AND a present!

[Jeanied]

I agree with Alison. It sounds like your friend has a dream wedding in mind - but hasn't thought through the practicalities of how this is going to happen.
I think things are changing for many of us these days - so the old dreams may be totally impractical.
Find out if the dream location and the wedding ceremony are the most important to the bride - or having friends and family who can be there for the big day are the main thing.
You may have to gently let her know that she can't have both.

[Glutton4...]

...It sounds like your friend has a dream wedding in mind - but hasn't thought through the practicalities of how this is going to happen.
I think things are changing for many of us these days - so the old dreams may be totally impractical....
You may have to gently let her know that she can't have both.

I had a friend who was bemoaning the fact that she couldn't have the wedding she had always dreamed of. I asked her what was more important, the right wedding, or the right Husband!

[Brengirl]

A baby due so I assume they have already consummated. So how or where they celebrate is up to them. As a compromise I think to have a celebration with loved ones here in the UK first and then fly off for the 'official bit' and a honeymoon.

[Bagpuss]

My sister is planning a wedding the year after ours (2012) in Italy. She has taken the view that she will invite all those she would like to attend, but knows in her heart of hearts that many people will not be able to go due to the time and cost. So that the two can celebrate their marriage with all of their friends and family, they will be having a big party when they get back, I guess like a wedding reception.

Whilst I know that it is possible to reduce the cost of weddings over here, as we have found out, it is extremely hard. My sister would like a beautiful setting, with wonderful flowers and trimmings, but cannot afford to do it they way she would like to over here, so she is going abroad so that they can avoid starting their marriage life having spent a huge sum on one day.

As someone above has said, getting wed is really about the two people exchanging vows on the day. It would only be wrong of that couple to expect or demand that others spend the time and money to join them.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that if you will struggle, then just don't go, rather than accept an invite and have bad feelings about the impact that this has on your holiday / finances.

We're in the process of organising our own wedding back home and have had so much trouble with friends and family that, frankly, we have got to the point where we have agreed that everyone else can sod off if they don't like what we have planned. It's our day, about us giving ourselves to each other, and we'll do it our way

[Newbie]

My OH and i had our wedding abroad, it was what we wanted to do and one of the only times we have "pleased ourselves." Our policy was anyone was welcome to come, but we were well aware of how expensive it would be due to the location. Therefore we didn't really expect anyone but immediate family to join us in reality. As we did want to share our special occasion with our friends too, we had an evening reception when we returned home so that all those who couldn't come with us were still able to celebrate. I think a bride & groom are well within their right to celebrate their day how they see fit, however they need to be realistic in how much they are expecting other people to spend in order for them to celebrate it with them, and accordingly not be dissapointed when people say "sorry we can't afford it."

[northepaul]

I think its a bit much to expect friends to find £1000 to come to someone's wedding. If they expect you to come, then they should pay for you.
The idea of a big party when they get back for all their 'poorer' friends sounds like a much more practical idea.

[taff]

If your best friend put their hand in the fire would you do it too?
I have soooooo wanted to say that for years!!!!

[jojo2910]

If your best friend put their hand in the fire would you do it too?
I have soooooo wanted to say that for years!!!!

I'm glad you got the chance

We are going to go to the wedding, but I shall probably give the hen do a miss.

[Glutton4...]

...We are going to go to the wedding, but I shall probably give the hen do a miss.

In which case, have a lovely time!

[OverWyreGrower]

We were invited to a wedding this year of a close friend of my hubby; however it was in Hong Kong (as that's where the couple live, though they are British). Given that it would have cost us in excess of £2.5k to go for a week, it wasn't even on the cards. I think they were surprised at how many people couldn't go due to cost reasons!

I agree with everyone above - there is a limit to how much you can put yourself out for friends (or family!)

[Patchninja]

Mr PN and I got married in Las Vegas and wouldn't have expected anyone else to be there. I can't imagine giving up a holiday with him to pay for a friend's wedding either - perhaps I'm very mean. Time together doing what we want is too precious!