work splitting family?

[tiachica]

Hi fellow grapes,
just wanted a word of advice.
My DH has been unemployed now for 2 months, looking for a new job effectively for 6 months, but nothing locally.

He's now received an offer from a company in London, on a more sr level, contract basis for a really good project.

I have only just started my new job here (6 months and loving it). So in effect it looks like he will be going down on his own, while i'll be staying here with our little 2 1/2 year old.

It is obvious that with his current skill set he will not get a job here in Aberdeen. The contract position could be the break he needs.

I am just afraid of being on my own with the little one, i.e. what if I get ill, etc. And I am feeling really anxious about the separation, even if it is just temporary for a few months.
How's the little one gonna cope with his daddy not there?

Anybody done this? Any words of advice?

:-(

[Incy]

Hi Tiachica,
Yes I have done this. In fact several times although it was me travelling and OH staying home with little one.
I spent 6 months on a weekly commute to Aberdeen as my first experience of this and although it's tough for all concerned it is workable and you do get used to it. It certainly makes you value your weekends together. Often if it's not essential to be on site all the time, once someone is established in the role it is normally quite acceptable for them to work from home one day a week which would mean that you might find your actually only apart 3 or 4 nights a week.
It does sound as though this may be the best option for your OH and presumably you do have at least friends if not family nearby.
Little one will be just fine if he's seeing his Daddy at the weekend so don't worry about that.
Good luck with whatever you decide. I'm sure it will all work out for you.

[tiachica]

Thank you Incy. I appreciate you sharing your experience.

[Alison]

I know lots of people who do this, it works for some and not for others but I think it depends on their relationship and trust levels. You'll have to be more organised with your time and unfortunately while he's working away it will mean that you have to take on some of his role at home during the week but talk this through and work out what suits you as a family. As for the little one, he'll be fine, he will be able to hear his dad on the phone and you can talk about him, explaining where he is, even at his age he'll get an understanding of it to some extent. Could also consider a web cam so that your hubby doesn't miss out on seeing him too, can be quite exciting for them seeing daddy on TV

[janeyo]

There is also the added bonus of once he is emplyed again it is far easier to find another one!

I have friends who do this - one from here to Manchester and it works fine - but they do have to be more organised as a family esp for weekends and she has to have a set of reliable babysitters lined up for emergencies.

Go for it - it may only be temporary and could lead to bigger and better things locally xxx

[Two_Sheds]

Mr TS works away for up to 10 days at a time, about 8 times a year. I like it

We speak daily via Facebook when he's away, I can send him photos and videos electronically, it's good
My brother works 2 weeks away at a time, every month. His wife & kids miss him, but they also Facebook each other, and have fun time when he's home

[jackie j]

My ex OH used to work away during the week, sometimes two weeks but this was before internet was so easy. He would come home late on a Friday and go again early on a Monday, we spent Friday arguing, Saturday making up and Sunday arguing, we had a small baby at the time. I got so used to doing my own thing during the week and the occasional weekend he stayed away, that I resented him coming home. I could eat when I wanted to but as soon as he came home I had to do things his way. We stayed married for 18 years and 4 sons before we split up. He didnt work away for all those years though.
Thats just the way it was for us, it didnt help that he hardly contacted me and I would
get a message via his mum from his dad as they worked together.

[OverWyreGrower]

We don't have kids, but currently Mr OWG is working away from home the majority of the week. He's about a 3 hour drive away - so manageable for emergencies, but not able to come home every night.

I do miss him a lot, and I'm fairly sure he misses me! We speak on the phone every night, and I can email him during the day at work. We've also got Skype (which is brill!) for face-to-face conversations.

It makes you more disciplined, as you can't rely on hubby doing something 'when he gets home'; but you do end up in your own weekday routine.

Our weekends are a bit more structured now - I'm not sure whether that's a good or bad thing. We seem to cram more into them, as we only see each other 2 days a week; however, on the down side is less 'mooching around' time....

[Hilary B]

When my kids were at school I was running a tiny sheep farm in Orkney (not making any money), while OH got us a bit of financial stability working in the south of England. He came up for lambing, Christmas and a week or so at other times. We coped, the children were 8 and 10 (as far as I can remember) when he had to leave the farm to earn some money, so not such little ones.
What made it workable was the neighbours (none nearer than about a quarter mile) who were very supportive, helped out when extra hands were needed etc (I gave them what help I could in return).
There was no facebook in those days, and for the first year or so we didn't have internet at all. It lasted until we sold up, after 12 years. That was 10 years ago now.
I wouldn't recommend a long-term version of that sort, but with modern advances in communication etc, and 'weekends home' possible, it can be made manageable for several months.

[lainey lou]

I feel for you tiachica it's a hard choice but if you can look at it as temporary it might be easier.
My husband is in the forces so has been away from home several times for long periods and is currently posted in Norfolk while we (myself and 12 yr old son and 8 yr old daughter) stay at home in wiltshire. It's not easy, Dave goes to work early hours mon morning then returns friday pm just in time for me to go off and do night duty! But once I,m home Saturday am the rest of the weekend is our own.
None of us like it much, it's been this way for 14 months and could be for another 16 (unless he gets promoted this week - fingers crossed everyone please!!!) but there are ways of coping.
It's useful to have regular phone call times especially for the kids, as it's a time to look forward to.
Make sure you have some lovely family time at the weekends, do some fun stuff, but also make sure you get some time for just the 2 of you.
We have also taken advantage of our lonely evenings, Dave has completed his degree and starts his PGCE in a few weeks via OU and I have been doing an RHS course.
Good luck x

[green thing]

my father always worked away chasing the bigger better job when we were kids didn't see him for months at a time
we always had the latest toys nice and holidays abroad
this was the only time we really got to see him
me and my brother never really wanted all toys we just wanted our dad
he is now in and out of hospital every few weeks with lung problems

he said to both of us last week his biggest regret was not watching us grow up
you only get one chance to do it.
make the most of it
my brother has now fallen out with him

my brother is always on the promise of a bigger and better job paying a big fat mortgage and paying for a flash car now and spends very little time at home with his kids always working away
on the hamster wheel of life until you
YouTube - Turbo Hamster

me
I use to be like my bother and now I just look at him now and think what are you doing!!
I've had to made a lifestyle choice a few years ago
I stepped off the hamsters wheel of life down sized house no mortgage drive an old banger use freecycle buy second hand
I now have a local low paid job and see my kids every night
I would not have it any other way

good luck with your choice

[RichmondHens]

Stick with your job and let OH go to the contract one. It is only a contract after all. Better for you to be near friends and in familiar surroundings than moving to a new city.

We moved here on the strength of a contract my OH had, he had been doing it for over two years and separated from me and our children. After much soul searching we made the move, only for his contract to (unexpectedly) end three months after we got here.

[tiachica]

Thank you to you all for your thoughts and shared experiences.

His first day in London is 14-02. Company is founded, missing bank accounts, etc....This is hopefully just temporary. Wish us good luck and strength!

[tiachica]

That's it... he left this afternoon. Hopefully this will just be a short separation.

[zazen999]

Good luck!

Now to stock up on chocolate!