Ex husband issues again - moral support needed please

[selfraising]

I have posted before about the issues my ex husband has caused in the past. He is a control freak and verbally and emotionally abusive and is obsessed by money. We have been apart now for 13 years and divorced for 5 years but still it seems like a black cloud follows us through our lives and as we are to a degree financially reliant on him (to support my daughters through uni) we tread on eggshells to avoid upsetting him.

Anyway last Thursday my daughters travelled 2 hours to London to see him and from there they were going to go with him to Germany to visit relatives early the next day (driving in his vehicle). They arrived at his house at 10 oclock at night and no sooner had they got through the door, than he started on them. His issue was that they had not rung him over Easter to wish him a happy easter and told them that they didn't care about him and only wanted him for his money. The younger daughter (20) who has a little more confidence contradicted this and said they were both scared of him and treading on eggshells around him. He said that was my fault and that I had instilled this fear in them (not true). He said that he too felt he was treading on eggshells around them (if you knew him, he is not the type to do this) but then proceeded to tell them some so called 'home truths' about me. Saying I was f***** usless, the younger daughter said he was not to continue as I had been a rock to them but of course he continued, raking up things I supposedly had or had not done over 15 years ago. At this point the younger daughter ran out of the house and phoned my, she was hysterical and sobbing wanting to come home. I told her to come home. Her older sister (24) sided with her, she was the driver and they took their bags and went to leave. He called them childish and cowards for leaving and then laid guilt trips on them about all the people they would be letting down. They still came home.

They arrived home after midnight and were in a terrible state. I told them how proud I was of them as this was the first time they had ever stood up to him and they had achieved something I have never managed to do. However, now they fear they have lost their dad. He will certainly not apologise as he never feels he has done anything wrong and he will cut off his nose to spite his face, even with his own children. He is due back on Monday and they are scared he will come round here or start ringing them to continue the arguement.

I feel drained . How do I best support them if the the worse case scenario happens and they lose their dad?

[zazen999]

It's not a case of them losing their dad - it seems he has lost them.

They are old enough now to decide whether they want him in their lives...he sounds like a complete nightmare and is it worth it just to fund uni?

You need to have a serious talk with them both about it before he gets back about what they truly want.

Big hugs hon - I had to stand up to my stepdad [the Bfor* as we called him for years] - he was the same and I was 16 when I snapped. Horrid horrid excuse for a human being. Felt the best I'd felt for years after.

Whatever they do - I am sure they are happier having spent the weekend with you. x

*B for Bas***d.

[Glutton4...]

Why are some people so bleepin' selfish. I have a friend who went through a very similar situation to yours; her Husband was mentally and physically, violent and abusive. There was a long period of time, after the break-up and divorce, when things were just as you have described. Now, they are on speaking terms, finally, but it has been a very long struggle. I think he 'woke up' eventually, which none of us thought he would do.

Perhaps your Daughters should spend some time, and put down their feelings on paper, and let him read them, when he gets back. I think Zaz's first sentence hits the nail on the head! It's up to him to keep the relationships going - he clearly still has a lot of growing-up to do! Your girls are obviously smart intelligent people, and a credit to you! ((HUGS)) to all three of you!

[Suky]

Angie, your girls are an absolute credit to you. It takes real courage to stand up to a bully, even more so when it is their father. I agree with the above about writing down what they want and fear, not necessarily to show him but to get things straight in their minds.
I think they need to point out that it is up to him to make the effort to maintain contact but only on their terms.
Remember, Fi and I are only a short way away from you if you need us, sending you lots of hugs
PS. when things are stressed think - Viburnum Treacle! That should put a smile on your face

[FionaH]

That man is many things I can't say on a family forum! As Su said we are only down the road and I can be a VERY ferocious hobbit! Give the girls a hug from me xxxx

[selfraising]

They are old enough now to decide whether they want him in their lives...he sounds like a complete nightmare and is it worth it just to fund uni?

They are old enough, you are right, but they are constantly scared of the repercussions. He is their dad and they love him but I hear what you are saying.

[Suky]

Just because you love them does not mean you have to put up with their behaviour. My Mum loved my dad till the day he died (and still does) but she could not live with him for reasons much like your own.

[bronwen]

Hi selfraising,

What an awful situation for your family. You ask how to best support your girls now... well sounds like you are already doing a fantastic job at giving them love, support and strength.
Although I haven't personally experienced this kind of relationship within my family, many of my closest friends have. With time most of them ended up having to basically break any ties and communications with the family member in order for them to try and gain some stability and positive influences in their lives. Some, in time were able to rebuild relationships after some time had gone by. I think the 'seperation' was like a rude awakening to the offending parent/partner, or a bit of a slap in the face... time for them to reflect on their own actions and behaviour and then tone it down or change their ways to be able to have that relationship back.
Finances always complicate things further.
Anyway, I hope that things improve for the three of you soon *hugs*

[Seahorse]

I think you're already doing an amazing job of supporting your girls and whatever happens, 'more of the same' will get them through.

It's difficult for a child of any age to lose contact with a parent but I honestly believe that sometimes it's for the best. Being a mother or father doesn't mean you're a grown up and often the actions of selfish and destructive parents are more harmful than their abscence. I won't hijack your thread with my own story but I do have personal experience of the issue.

Don't forget to take some time to look after yourself too.

[Hilary B]

Encourage them to write him letters to the effect "Dad, we love you, but when you try to stop us loving Mum, it gets hard to like you." That is to deal with the immediate issue, for the rest, you seem to be doing a good job, keep it up!
Most control freaks are actually scared, and trying hard to scare everyone else in order to hide it from themselves. My oldest sister's ex could be like that. He now is on reasonable terms with his daughter (who he has no choice but to respect, she is confident, competent and a bit scary if you give her reason to be), but his son has wanted nothing to do with him since the day the family broke up.

[Jeanied]

What a shame that he has decided to be childish and manipulative. The only way to deal with that is to refuse to get sucked in to his games - which it sounds like you are doing already. Keep calm and carry on!

[northepaul]

Sounds quite like my family - sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind (on the part of your daughters) maybe them breaking ties with him would be the slap in the face he needs -however I know it does take a lot of courage.
Good luck and I hope it works out well
PS re the uni thing, you can get grants and loans, which although I disagree with on principle, could mean they are not dependant on their dad....

[ginger ninger]

Angie, he might have helped you conceive your daughters but by the sounds of it that's where his involvement ended. What a horrid man he is, he's a bully and a bar-stole (can't swear on here). It sounds like your girls have got there heads screwed on the right way and are finally realising what a nasty man he is. Yup, you might be reliant on him for financial help with there education, but this does not give him the right to disrespect you and your girls. Good on your girls for standing up to him. If he's so hell bent on pressing the self destruct button...well that's his loss not your girls. There comes a time in life when you have to say enough is enough and it sounds like this is the time. If he comes the big "I am" when he gets back (which it sounds like he will), my advice is to try and talk to him about what he did/has done to the girls, but let him know that they are grown up's now and can make there own minds up about what they want to do. If they chose to keep in contact with there Dad that will be there choice, if they feel that he's gone too far then that is there choice also. He is still there Dad and it's about time he started to act like one, not dragging up the past at every opportune moment.
Keep strong, your girls will work it out. xxx

[binley100]

Reading through this it seems to me that you have already been given the advice that I would give. So I'm just adding my support to you and your girls and ...(if I could reach from here) ....a bladdy good kick up the arris to him . He sounds like he doesn't deserve the respect of his family....xxx

[OverWyreGrower]

You have had loads of good advice, which I won't reiterate! You have obviously done a fab job of bringing your girls up - they sound like sensible young ladies to me!

My best friend had a situation like this - her step-daughters 'real' mum was very mean, vindictive etc, and until the daughter, K, was 19, had to put up with it. One day K realised what her 'mum' was doing, and issued an ultimatum. When her mum realised she was serious, a lot of the bitchyness stopped, and now they have a much better realtionship.