Coping with the loss of life

[Chef_uk]

Hi guys, i'm only 30 years old but have already lost all 4 grandparents, then last Thursday my Dad died after deteriorating rapidly he left no will, had no insurance, and no savings and so as next of kin i've had to take on everything, sorting out his finances,the funeral etc. I've not even had time to morn properly Going to pick up all of his belongings tomorrow as he lived 200 miles away, and will store them back here to sort through. So far i've been kept busy but i know i'm going to hit that wall at some point and realise what has happened. Any tips on how to cope would be gratefully received?

[Jelliebabe]

Dear Chef, I'm so sorry for your loss. The only thing I can advise (I lost my Dad some time ago now) is don't be frightened to ask those nearest to you for help, be it family or friends. Even if its just to let off steam, cry or rant and rave. I know I did.

HUGS XXX

[Incy]

Hi Chef_uk,
I'm really sorry to hear about your loss. You are probably right that at some point it will hit you and it is good to be prepared. I am thankfully not an expert on this subject having had to deal with very few losses such as yours. I did hear one piece of advice that I found very useful when I lost my Gran (she was almost 99 so had a good innings as she would say).
'The pain never goes away but you do become better able to bear it and as such it gets easier with time.'
Do make sure that if possible you have friends and/or family around you and give yourself the time you need, when you need it to grieve.
All the best and big 'virtual ((((hugs)))' to help you along.

[Florence Fennel]

So sorry for your loss. If you have no family or friends you can talk to, then CRUSE offers bereavement counselling should you need it. I'm sure you don't want to hear it, but time is a great healer, it just takes quite a long time.

[bramble]

So sorry to hear you have lost so many close family members at such a young age.
My advice would be to talk about all the family members you have lost. Don,t bottle it all up. I am sure you have many happy memories so don't be afraid to share them. It does help to talk.

[lizzylemon]

So sorry for the death of your dad. grief is one of the most difficult things to go through as there are so many stags / emotions. Incy has it spot on when she says it doesn't go away as such it just gets easier to carry. I lost my beloved Grandma 5 years or so ago now and I still miss her and cry for my loss, just not as often or as hard as i did when she first died. She was closer to me than my mum, she was my best friend and we adored each other. One of the things that people dont talk about is being angry as well as sad so don't feel guilty by what ever you feel, it's all normal even if you don't think it is at the time. It does get easier. XXX

[Patchninja]

I feel for you. I don't think you ever get over losing your parents really. As has been said, it does get easier and you stop hurting so much. I lost my Mum in 2006 and my Dad in 1996 and still miss them.....
I'm assuming that you don't have brothers or sisters. Take all the help that's already been talked about. But, don't forget that it's normal to be sad so please don't let people tell you you're depressed - it takes time to mourn your loss. We're always here for you if we can help. Hugs!

[OverWyreGrower]

As above really.... I'd lost all 4 grandparents before I was 20, and lost my dad when I was 15 (now 31). You'll have days when you cry and sulk and rage and scream; but you'll also have days of quiet contemplation and thinking. You'll have 'normal' days, and days where everything seems to go wrong and you can't even make a cup of tea without a disaster.

It's all fine. Take each day as it comes. Don't be frightened of the rage or the sadness or the tears. Don't worry if you have a perfectly fine 'normal' day. Don't feel guilty for enjoying yourself, or laughing, or going out for a meal - even if you do get home and cry.

You may prefer to show a strong front to those around you - that's OK. It's also OK if you burst into tears at the slightest bit of attention or sympathy.

My dad has been gone for 16 years, and there are still some songs I can't listen to. I think I'm absolutely fine, and - wham! - I'm in floods of tears and have to leave the room etc. Mr OWG has got very good at recognising the intros to these songs and either taking me away from the music, or turning it off....

[chris]

I feel for you, I lost a parent when I was 18. I bottled it all up (which I do not advise). Went out, got drunk and got into fights to vent my anger. If you need to let it out, speak to someone, if not a counciller (sp?) It's a hurdle to admit you may need to seek advice/help from oneo f them, but my dad and sister did and it helped them. It took me about 10 years to push all the hurt and anger down... I wish I had of spokent o one, but my view of them at the time was that they were paid to make you lie on a couch and cry... making you feel better (which crying does, as I'm sure you know).

To sum it up, I'd say it's ok to cry. You may be a 6' tall, 6' wide body builder, but if you need to let it out do so. It helps if you have someone that can be your rock/a shoulder to cry on. As you say when you hit the wall, it'll all come down on you, so if I were you I'd take some time (even an hour) to sit and reflect, and mourn. Even if it's in your garden/plot if you're happy there you may feel at peace there.

As above, it sucks but time really is a healer.

[jackie j]

So sorry for your loss, loosing a parent at any age is hard, they have been there for you from day one, for you to lean on ask advice etc.
I lost my dad ( 51 ) 50 years ago when I was six and my Mum ( 92 ) 7 years ago and my sister (56 ) just three years ago. I feel it everyday of my life, I think about them, talk to them, miss them so much. My dad especially as he wasnt there for my leaving school, my wedding, my children being born.
You get through it, there will be down days when you want to get off the roundabout and hide away, there will be days when you feel guilty if you dare to enjoy yourself, but you get there. Always talk about them to anyone who will listen, photo's are good memories of how you lived your life with them.
Thursday would have been my sisters 60th birthday and what a party we would have had.
Hope this helps you get through the hard times.
Big hugs.

[Flummery]

You really need a family member with whom you can reminisce. My sister and I talked about out Dad a lot after his death - we were much older than you though. It's not good to try to pretend they didn't die, or never lived. We shared memories and that really helped. Give yourself time for yourself too. Don't overdo it - hard when it all falls to you to do, but allow yourself a few treats too.

[lettucegrow!]

So sorry to read of your loss. He can't have been any age. As others have said , losing a close family member brings a mountain of emotions and there will be days when it all feels too much. My husband lost both parents with 8 months of eachother, neither reached retirement age and loss at a young age makes everything feel so unfair.
You will be in automatic/organising mode at the moment as you will have so much to do but people will offer help and let them, you'll be grateful of it. Just give yourelf time, and keep the happy memories there. We found some lovely pictures taken at our wedding that we put up to keep them with us. But the sadness is always there, you just learn to 'put it somewhere' and every now and then it pops up when you're least expecting it.
Take care of yourself and give yourself time.xx

[buzzingtalk]

Thats awful. Grief is a horrible thing, I lost my only grandparent (the other 3 died before I was born) on september 11th, and I was gutted, even though we weren't close (he lived in africa). I have seen a hell of a lot of people pass away during my short life (25), including relatives, friends and recently, an ex boyfreind to various things as suicide, murder, ill health and car accidents...the only thing I can say is that it does get easier, but you never forget. And that is a good thing - not forgetting - as the person you are mourning was obviously important to you, else you wouldn't miss them so much. surround yourself with good memories, pictures, people and places, don't be afraid to ask for help, don't be afraid to cry/laugh/be angry...we all deal with grief in different ways, and you are young still and yet to find a way to deal with yours.

My mum lost her mum a week before I was born; next month, we are going to stonehenge, where my mum scattered her ashes 25 years ago. even when we drove past the stones last year, my mum cried and cried for an hour, but they were happy tears; which made me cry too for someone I'd never met.

Share your thoughts and feelings, don't rush through sorting through his stuff either if it is too difficult...I should imagine you have people around you to talk to, but if you ever need a virtual shoulder to cry on, send me a message

RIP

[Newton]

Hi ChefUk

Just read about your tragic loss. Thought the thread was about plants......what a dork I am but please have a laugh about my mistake.

I am so sorry. So very sad. Take time, cry, try to remember good days, share your love for your dad. You will pull through in time. You've got a bunch of grapes right there for you.

Take care

[Alison]

It's difficult to give advice as each circumstance is different. When we lost my dad when I was in my mid 20s he'd been ill for over 2 years and I'd done most of my grieving. His mother (my gran) found it much more shocking as she'd been in denial and convinced herself he would recover if she prayed enough. She never really recovered from this and pretty much lost her lifetime faith. OH's dad died out the blue and the shock was tremendous. Both are sad circumstances but were dealt with in different ways. As a family we talk about them both and although we'd rather have them here, we find that has always helped and made things right. On a differnt and more recent note, two friends of mine recently (in the past week or so) lost their mums (two different people) and I was out with them the other night, we all talked about stupid things we'd done and said in the past. The two people concerned have both told me that they found this helpful.