A question for the Vine's grandparents

[Seahorse]

Just curious - how much time do you spend looking after your grandchildren? I am having a bit of a difference of opinion with a family member about what's reasonable to expect, so I'm wondering what other people generally do

Any answers much appreciated.

[Florence Fennel]

My daughter's children come every other Saturday at 6 in the evening and stay until 12 noon the next day. Sometimes if they don't want to go shopping with their parents, they're dropped off here for an hour or so, but usually only one of the three. I have 8 grandchildren and although I see my youngest son's son every other Sunday with his dad, I might only see my eldest son and his children three or four times a year. What's up Seahorse? You having problems chuck?

[Glutton4...]

I'm not a Parent, let alone a Grandparent, however, when my Sis and I were little, we'd spend the majority of weekends with my Mum's folks, a good hour's drive away, to give my folks a break! But we only saw my Dad's folks once in a blue moon - Christmas and Easter, usually, and then only if we were dragged there, and they were much nearer.

I guess it depends on whether the kids actually like their grandparents or not, and vice versa. My Dad didn't get on with his folks, so we just didn't go.

I know people who look after various grandchildren during the day, so their kids can go to work. I also know people who hardly ever see their grandchildren. I guess everyone's different. Hope it's not causing you too much hassle.

[vicky]

My dad will look after my 4 year old for a couple of hours a week (more if I ask probably), my mum...well we saw her at christmas!

I wouldn't expect anyone to look after my children for me but there have been times when it would have been helpful to have someone to hard them over to during school holidays so that I could work. It's hard nowdays as so many grandparents are still working themselves and can't help out as much as when we were little and were hoisted onto the grandparents.

[FionaH]

My kids spent nearly every other weekend with my parents and my Dad looked after them here one day a week when I went back to college. Everyone loved it. Some of my kids best memories are of doing mad bike stunts with Grandad
The down side is my Mum used it as ammunition whenever we fell out

[fiferjim]

Not a grandparent but the help our parent provide us priceless, child care costs a fortune and we are very lucky they are happy to get the kids from school most days. We are mindfull of this so don't like to ask too often at weekends so we don't go out much, well as a couple anyway. To all Grandparents even if we don't day it enough.... Thank you!!!!!

[grannymem]

Our grandchildren live too far away to be able to see us regularly so we can't do quick 'emergency' babysitting etc (although I wish we could.) To compensate, visits are much longer and we certainly get to know them all well. We also have the 2 eldest to stay on their own in the summer which I love (they've been coming since they were about 3 years old.)

I do notice that although our 4 children were quite close in age so I'm used to looking after kids, I haven't the same energy as I once had and feel pretty shattered by the time everyone's gone home (last summer we had grandchildren and assorted parents staying from end of July to beginning of September without a break and the 6 little ones ranged in age from 9 months to 6 years.

We're lucky to be reasonably fit and well - I guess other grandparents may not be so lucky .

I also have sympathy with sons-in-law who may find long stays with / from in-laws a little trying...

[Sanjo]

We've just come back from a week away with all four grandchildren, Two 15 year and one 12 year old boys, one 10 year girl. All got on very well and ate everything I put in front of them, including food they wouldn't normally eat. As it was to save me the hassle of preparing something different for that child i really appreciated the thought, bless him.
I am fairly active but I did find it tiring and by the end of the week both myself and husband were exhausted. One set of grandhcildren we see most Saturdays and have done for many years. Now the other two live a bit further away, and their parents are always busy at weekends, we tend not to see so much of them but even so it's probably fortnightly. We also look after them occasionally when the parents want time to themselves. I don't mind so much but my husband's argument always is that nobody did it for us. Don't see that's relevant myself. If we are busy I say so, but they know that if I can, I will.

[singleseeder]

What is reasonable to expect? Nothing.

After that, everything that is offered, negotiated or begged for is a bonus.

I am a grandparent. I live within a mile of my daughter who works 2 days a week when her inlaws, who are retired, offer child care willingly. I am on my own and work full time. I babysit most weeks, sometimes twice a week, and eat with them before they go out; if I am going out they find someone else. Sometimes it is easier if my grandchild (2 and a half) stays here on a Fri night, sometimes I stay there when they have gone away for a conference weekend.

Everyone's circumstances and relationships are different but what ever they are, I think that once anything is expected, resentments follow close behind.

[Seahorse]

That's a fair point singleseeder, 'expect' was a poor choice of word.

There are certainly some lovely grandparents above, would any of you like to adpot me, lol!?

The reason I asked is that I'm very disappointed that a request a year in advance to a healthy, wealthy, recently retired grandparent for a weeks babysitting so that PW and I could have a holiday as a couple, not just as parents, has been met with a flat refusal because it's far too long and anyway, he might be busy! It was certainly a big ask but we made it clear we'd be very grateful, offered to bring cases of wine home, said we would make sure it was in term time so the actual childcare would only be an hour in the morning and about four hours at night, etc. To have it dismissed out of hand was rather hurtful

[FionaH]

Sounds mean if you ask me Seahorse. His loss at the end of the day, he will miss out on the chance to have a relationship with your wonderful kids!

[Glutton4...]

That's really sad, Seahorse. I guess the original 'Yes' was said on the basis that they thought it wouldn't actually happen. I hope your kids aren't too disappointed, and I hope you still get an enjoyable holiday, with, or without them. (No, I'm not offering! )

[singleseeder]

Seahorse, do you think it is a confidence thing? Granddads might feel that the responsibility of 'fulltime childcare' is too daunting. It isn't necessarily something they all got involved in in their day.

[Polly Fouracre]

How often do I have my grandchildren? As often as possible. We have eleven and though I'ld rather not have under threes for too long nowadays, I have two every Sunday night while my daughter works and have just "retired" from Tuesdays with two more as one at school full time and the other in nursery.
I used to have the eldest three every weekend but, unfortunately, someone came in the night and stole my little men away and left three huge louts in their place who would rather not garden/walk/show dogs etc. with Granny!!

[SarzWix]

I very rarely had any help whatsoever from my parents with the kids. Mum worked in a school, and whenever it was school holidays, they went away. My sister, who lives at the other end of the country was told very pointedly that her kids could stay with them for one weekend a year, no more. Since Mum died, dad does nothing with the kids unless I go with them too.
He is what he is, and he has already raised 4 children, so I don't expect any more from him than that. My sister on the other hand resents it hugely, and I don't really understand it. Me and the OH have only had one weekend without the kids in 16 years, and it doesn't appear to have killed us... I guess if you've never had it, you don't miss it