some more advice oh wise ones, pretty please

[Jax]

oh and they are in rented accomadation

[rustylady]

Jax, she needs to do what I did. Sit down and work out on a bit of paper exactly what money she will have coming in. That's financial - as for managing the children, I imagine she is doing 120% of the child care anyway. (I was working full time, and paying a hell of a lot into the household budget, but he had convinced me I couldn't manage on my own - I DID!!!!) You don't say the ages of the children but she will almost certainly be entitled to Income Support, Child Benefit, Tax Credits, and Housing & Council Tax Benefit. If she qualifies for IS, this automatically entitles her to free prescriptions, dental care etc.

[Potstubsdustbins]

Now the ladies with real experience are on the case, with only second hand knowledge its time for me to bow out gracefully.

Good luck to you and your friend Jax I will of course keep reading the thread.

Colin

[Jax]

Thankyou all, the kiddies are 3 and 5. Gorgeous little boy and girl. The little girl (5) is my god daughter and I can see her absorbing everything. Im trying to get a hold of her to pass on the info of working everything out etc. She emailed me this morning to say Happy Birthday, such a kind hearted person.

She already gets child benefit and they get child tax credits, however, he has it all going into his bank account. Child care she does it all anyway. Im trying to find out if she felt able to speak to the council yet. Its the first step that I think is/will be the hardest and I think it will hopefully all fall into place after that. The thing Im really grateful for which will help is that she now has no feelings of love for him, all hatred and I think this will help power her through

[mrswadders]

and believe me she will still hate him many years down the line, I still hate my ex and we parted company in 1998, she'll also probably find that he will still try and manipulate her after they have split, that's the sort of people these men are, she will have some very 'low' times but i'm sure she will have far more 'highs'.I have to say I felt quite liberated knowing that I COULD and DID do things on my own and that I WAS capable of doing these things, I was always made to feel like a second class citizen and bloody useless.
She's a very lucky girl to have a friend like you and can I thankyou on her behalf, at times like these your true friends really do make all the difference.
If you think she'd like to talk to somebody who's gone through it and come out the other end message me and I can give you my email for her.

Oh and ditto what was said above re his aattitude and getting maintenance, I unfortunately am still having some grief over this, he still owes me over 20K because his managed to job hop and move around so much, his even managed to avoid being arrested for non-payment, I have to say that I won't let it rest, in a way the tables have been turned as I like him to know that i'm still out here on HIS case now .

A mantra she should keep saying to herself is :
I am a good person
I am capable of doing these things
I can do it,
I will do it
and above all........

I will show him and I will get you out of my head you don't 'own' me or control me I am my OWN person....

all my best wishes and good luck to your friend, I know she'll come out the other end a stronger and positive person.

Sorry for the long reply, hit bit of a nerve with me.

Shel
xxxxx

[Jax]

Im sorry Mrs Wadders, I really didnt want to hit a nerve. Your advice is fabulous. Thankyou for your kind words. I just try to do my best by all the people I care about. I have finally had contact from her which reassures me.

[jackie j]

I was also mentally abused by my ex and more, and after 18 years of marriage I managed to get him out of the house but I wasnt in fear of him like your friend.
The first thing I did was go to a solicitor who took my case on. He stopped my ex's business account which I was supposed to be named in but didnt have any controll over.

The main thing is she must get out as soon as possible for her sake and the children. She will find it hard to do and he will have made her believe as mine did that she cant cope without him, BUT she can and will. I was told none of our friends would believe me or talk to me or even help me. Who is the one they all helped ? yes me cos they did believe me and they wanted to help me.
I wish her well in this but it sounds like she must act and fast.

[rustylady]

Now the ladies with real experience are on the case, with only second hand knowledge its time for me to bow out gracefully.

Good luck to you and your friend Jax I will of course keep reading the thread.

Colin

Colin you did well, thank you so much for your input.

[rustylady]

Remember everyone, it is a fact that at least one in four women will experience domestic abuse during their lifetimes. It varies in degree, from mental to physical (sometimes both) and it runs you down so much that you feel you can't possibly cope on your own. YOU CAN!!! Loads of help and advice out there, but you need to be brave enough to access it.

[rustylady]

Anyone heard of this? The Freedom Programme Excellent programme and information. Courses run throughout the country and they are free.

[zazen999]

Now the ladies with real experience are on the case, with only second hand knowledge its time for me to bow out gracefully.

Good luck to you and your friend Jax I will of course keep reading the thread.

Colin

It's not just ladies that suffer Colin.

Many of us have been there...I got out pretty early on as I'd seen it as a child and recognised the signs and woof - I was outta there....still took 16 years before I extricated myself off the mortgage [3 years ago] as he wouldn't sign me off it...so when he wanted to sell I wouldn't sign until I had some of the profit secured. As this had stopped me getting my own mortgage all these years, I had to do it - he should have taken me off when I drove 250 miles to drop the paperwork off at the door but no, that was too easy!

I agree that of course she can cope - if he hadn't come along then she would not have spontaneously combusted would she? She would have coped...and will not only cope in the future but thrive on it.

[its hilly]

Depending on which version of Internet explorer she has on the computor, check under the little word Safety (top right) she may have In Private browsing. If you use this when you go onto the net it opens a new window and doesn't show it on your browsing history, or save sites on the main address bar.
If not then she must be sure to go to internet options (under tools) and clear the browsing history every time she uses the net.

[di]

Jax I can't offer any other advice...except she can call tax credits and arrange for them to be paid into her account....just wanted to say though that your friend can and will be so much happier(and in turn a better mum) once she proves to herself she can do it on her own...as I'm so sure she can.Friends like you will be so important to her,even if it's just to encourage her and tell her how well she's doing.Each time she gets over a new hurdle or finds a little more of her old self he'll probably be there to attempt to bring her down and that's where you need to step in and reassure her that she's doing OK.
All the best to her and her kiddies.xxx

[baldrick]

been there with four dogs and a littleun and private renters not wanting dogs or not wanting kids, and council not helping as I was an owner occupier even though he refused to leave and would not buy me out. Luckily I have a steady job, and was able to sort myself out eventually. I would reiterate the above. Also:
1/ like any other bad habit a bad relationship is hard to give up. Your friend, like me needs to realise that while her man may well have had a hard and damaging life his past is not her responsibility, and is not an excuse. She may well feel she is the only person he can trust, she may be right. She may have spent a long time convincing him and herself she is "different" and "worthy" of his trust, only to feel she is betraying him by leaving. SHE IS NOT! Only he can make himself happy. All he is doing by dominating her is soothing his inner misery. He is damaged goods, she has demonstrated she is not the one to fix him and MUST get out.
2/ being in rented accommodation makes it easier to move on. No mortgages to finish or common property to hold them together. Look realistically at council lists, housing associations and private landlords. Establish what is feasible with the available income and with projected income. Get her to register with the homeless officer. This is hard when she is still in the family home but do-able. The health visitor will help with letters as she will be able to demonstrate the adverse eeffect on your mates mental health and the childrens health. They will offer temp accommodation. It is nearly always horrible and you have to accept it unseen but its there. Staying while he gets out gives him licence to call round to "his home" when he feels like it.
3/ ring and ask about tax credits/child benefit as a single customer claim. She can do this if they are maintaining seperate households under one roof. If she has no work, Income support and jobseekers can be claimed on the same basis if they are split and only under the same roof until one of them finds somewhere else. She will need to prove she has applied for accommodation and taken every reasonable step to speed benefits up.
All my good wishes and positive thoughts to her. Her responsibility is first to herself, second to her kids. She needs to accept people cannot and do not change significantly. She tried, she failed, she needs to move on before her own kids grow up as controlled and abused partners or controlling adults treating her and their own families the same way. x

[Jax]

Hi all, I have some good news to share with you all. SHE HAS LEFT HIM. Unfortunately things escalated last night and she had enough and left whilst he was out today. She has had a few tears but sounds very happy, relieved mainly. She says she feels free. I know there is still alot to come but the main part is done. She is sofa surfing for now whilst looking at houses and her family is helping to pay for it.

I feel massively relieved xx