some more advice oh wise ones, pretty please

[Jax]

So, my best friend of 20 years has just visited me. I am feeling a little overwhelmed as I write this so please bear with me.

She is married with 2 children. I have known her and her partner were having problems but she hadnt told me the half of it. Anyway, I dont want to get into details too much but he is mentally abusing her and controlling her. He makes her do things she doesnt want to do. The kids are miserable and saying things about there Dad.

She has finally had enough and wants to leave but she is scared. She doesnt know what to do. I have told her she needs to collate information as to the how what whens etc and that she needs to have it all planned. She has no money and would need a house. She doesnt want any stuff in the house except the kids stuff. She is going to go to the council and citizens advice, but she is having to do it all in secret. Has anyone any advice, previous experience etc words of wisdom etc that I can pass on. I want to help her but I dont know about this stuff.

[zazen999]

Free guide from Refuge for women experiencing domestic violence - MoneySavingExpert.com Forums - it's for Refuge's guide for women.

My one word of advice, get all the paperwork needed ferreted away, so that once she does go she has all the account numbers etc to continue her life. If you are 100% sure you don't mind - offer to stash stuff for her, money if necessary - so that she has it when she goes. If he's that bad then he might try and keep an eye on you if it will lead to her but here's hoping that he isn't.

[Jax]

Thankyou so much Zaz thats really great. Im so worried about her.

I am also going to find out if our council has a rent deposit scheme for the vulnerable.

[Potstubsdustbins]

Most councils have a specialist dept for abused ladies but they seem to react quicker to physical abuse rather than mental.

They are also several charites that can help there used to be one in Grantham but I don't know if its still there or how close you are. Twenty years ago they helped a lady I knew who was suffering mental abuse from her husband, they found her somewhere to live and provided support for her during her resettlement.

As Zaz says be careful these men are control freaks and if he suspects anything he may well turn nasty this one did and they had to get the police involved. Help her to plan her escape `for that is what it is` have everything in place ready for a clean break and what ever don't let her go back. The man involved will say anything, spin any story to get her to return but if she does it will start all over again once he feels back in control.

One more thing which may help. In the case I was involved in the man did turn nasty but only with his wife if anyone else stood up to him he was a coward.

To give people who have no experience of this sort of abuse an idea of what goes on. This seemingly happily married couple used to come into my gun shop to everyone it seemed like the lady wore the trousers however in private it was a very different kettle of fish. Her first job in the morning was to kneel in front of him and put his socks on after that her day just got worse.

The good news was that she made the break got away from him and stayed away making a new life for her and her child.

Colin

[zazen999]

And do her research for her.....if she is googling and looking at advice sites then that can tip him off if he spots history on her computer.

[Potstubsdustbins]

Zaz nice one, there is so much to thing about these days that could give the game away and the lady will be in a state of turmoil. Maybe we grapes could produce an aide memoire to help.
Next point Jax let her use you phone to make calls this type of man (and I use that term loosely) will check her phone log.

Colin

[Potstubsdustbins]

Jax Lincolns Womens Aid covers the county it might be a place to start and they have a web site full of advice.

Colin

[Jax]

You are all so fantastic and I love you all xx

Im quite emotional with it all, she is only 23 like me and I sat cuddling her both of us in tears. She is the bubbliest happiest person I have ever met and she just looks drained.

I am doing as much research as I can, however passing this information on is the difficult bit. It is all a case of waiting till he is at work. We all know he cannot know she is leaving as he will get nasty. I know that when we were talking that she was holding information back and that petrifies me, especially with the stuff she was telling me I cant even imagine what the rest is.

So far I have the womens refuge leaflet, the womens aid link above. Storing her papers and any money in our safe. I also thought an emergency bag at her sisters house. We need to make a plan, find accomadation and plan everything down to the finest detail. All of the whens, hows, etc.

[zebedee]

So, my best friend of 20 years has just visited me. I am feeling a little overwhelmed as I write this so please bear with me.

She is married with 2 children. I have known her and her partner were having problems but she hadnt told me the half of it. Anyway, I dont want to get into details too much but he is mentally abusing her and controlling her. He makes her do things she doesnt want to do. The kids are miserable and saying things about there Dad.

She has finally had enough and wants to leave but she is scared. She doesnt know what to do. I have told her she needs to collate information as to the how what whens etc and that she needs to have it all planned. She has no money and would need a house. She doesnt want any stuff in the house except the kids stuff. She is going to go to the council and citizens advice, but she is having to do it all in secret. Has anyone any advice, previous experience etc words of wisdom etc that I can pass on. I want to help her but I dont know about this stuff.

All of the above - Citizens Advice Bureau ASAP, possibly also the Legal Centre (CAB will have that advice as well.) Having spent some 16 years in this in area, the time to do something is NOW, especially as children are involved. The message usually is, do not delay.

[lizzylemon]

My little snippet of advice is to go directly to the local council housing office and get someone on side. I left my husband last year with not a bean in my pocket, stick of furniture and a 3yr old. The lady who took my case on was invaluable and helped us find our new home. My case was not so pressing as your friends so it took a few months to find a suitable place but she should find she'll be high on their list, and if, goodness forbids, it takes a turn for the worst, they will be able to help instantly with either a local refuge, half way house or B&B. She should also find that she could have access to all counties rather than just the local one so she could even move away to start somewhere new.

[Florence Fennel]

I certainly hope your friend gets sorted Jax, she must be in a state and the children will feel it too. The sooner she gets away the better by the sound of it. This is all sound advice and particularly from Lizzy who has done it.

[Seahorse]

Your poor friend I'm so glad she has you to help her.

Lots of very good advice above, which I don't need to repeat but I would emphasise the bit about doing all you can to dissuade her from going back to him. Part of the way men like this work is to make their partner think they can't manage without them and I bet he'll do everything he can to wheedle around her. Just keep reminding her that she can and will cope and if it's what she wants, she'll meet a real man one day.

One point not covered above - is do they own the house and is her name on the mortgage? If so, it's very possible that as the mum, she will be given priority of residence and he could legally be forced to leave. Of course it also depends if she could fund it on her own, or whether she'd even want to stay somewhere with unhappy memories. I wouldn't suggest she delays in getting out but legal advice on her rights to the family home in the longer term would be a good idea. Most solicitors offer a free half hour consultation.

[mrswadders]

i agree with all of the above, I too was mentally abused by first husband,it is a horrible thing to go through. The only other advise I can give you is just 'be there' and keep telling her she will get over it, not all men are b******s like her husband, I met my 2nd husband who could not be more different, it will take time for her to trust again, but she will get there, I promise, I'm proof of that.It takes a strong person to make that decision to leave, but it's the right one.
Big hugs to her and to you for being the supportive friend that you are
good luck to her
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[Seahorse]

Oh and one more thing that might help. If she's scared about coping financially and him using money as a weapon over her once she's left, if she explains to the benefits people about his behaviour and it's detrimental effect on her and the children, they're unlikely to chase him for child support, she will get full benefits instead (not 'right' in that he can get away without paying but better than being beholden to any manipulation).

[Jax]

Thankyou all, he has convinced her that she cant cope without him. However she has realised this and is trying to correct the thinking but he is still in her head. No matter how hard she fights him he says jump and she automatically does so. Even though in her head she is screaming at herself not to do it. She has said once she is out of the house she is never going back and to be honest I wont let her. She tries to keep the kids away from it but its not working. The biggest problem Im having at the moment is that she has to make the move. I can only gather information, she has to be the one to go to the council and social services etc. She doesnt want to make a rash move and it make things worse, which I can understand.

Once again thankyou all xx I must regail you all with some positive threads at some point xx