some more advice oh wise ones, pretty please

[Two_Sheds]

she had enough and left whilst he was out today.

Well that's a positive first step. She'll have to brace herself now for the phone pestering (get her a new SiM card ), the pleading, the begging & the threats

Best of luck

[jackie j]

Well done her for taking the first step. I hope she can continue and most of all be safe. Good luck.

[mrswadders]

well done, the first step of many to come. Good luck, keep ur chin up girl things can only get better from now on......

[baldrick]

Thank God. Thats the first step, but as has been said the pestering will now start. In a way threats are easier to deal with than tears, promises, happy memories and guilt trips. Mine made it easy by grabbing me round the throat in front of our 5 year old when I refused one more chance, the first and only time he actually got physical, but Im not sure my resolve would have stayed so firm if he hadnt. As it was I split his lip in retaliation, also in front of the littleun, also the only time I ever got physical, but it showed me how bad for each other and her we really were. Interestingly now I am remarried and he has someone else who is clever enough to see him but not live with him (no ties to hold over her and no constant frustration that she does things wrong coz she owes him nothing) he is a lot happier and we get on OK. In a lot of ways I did him a favour by leaving as the relationship was just as toxic for him as me (if that makes sense?). Think sometimes it cuts both ways and some people are just bad for each other. Men and women who need to dominate are attracted to men and women who nurture and put others first. Bad bad bad all round. Miserable addictive cycle for both. She has done them both a favour and needs to learn to be happy and independent without a partner. Then if she chooses she will be ready for a truly equal partnership to put the icing on an already happy life. Good luck to her x

[Flummery]

Good to hear that her family is so supportive - and her friends, like you! It's not all over but the hardest bit is done. Best of luck to her. I have absolutely no experience to compare (I feel VERY fortunate to be able to say) but I think that now, what she needs is strength - her own, yours and her family's.

[Jax]

She is already dealing with the pestering. Hes offered her the house they rent and that he will pay for it and she has been smart and seen this is just another control structure. Shes getting a new phone and contacting social services as she wants a seperate party to help with him seeing the children and she wants him supervised. Theres a long road ahead of her but she can do it with her army behind her

[Potstubsdustbins]

A breakup of a relationship is never a cause for celebration especially when children are involved but just maybe in circumstances like this a little smile would not hurt.

The lady in question has taken a big first step, keep her strong Jax and keep us posted please.

Being slightly to the right of Genghis Khan I often feel that the best way to teach men who behave like this a lesson, would be to put him in a room with all the ladies who have posted above. Now that I would like to see.

Colin.

[Jax]

No I would never promote celebrating and I do really feel for him aswell. At the end of the day he may be an expletive but he has lost his wife and children. I want him to get himself sorted and to get a good life in the future.

[rustylady]

No I would never promote celebrating and I do really feel for him aswell. At the end of the day he may be an expletive but he has lost his wife and children. I want him to get himself sorted and to get a good life in the future.

There are programmes available for men who behave like this - unfortunately most of them are only available when men are on probation for domestic violence offences.

[witchwoo]

have been reading this since thread started, kept quiet as i wasnt sure i could help, have been there with mental and physical abuse and with children but seeing the words ''shes left him'' i was so pleased for her and the children, it took me 10 years to escape and even now if i see him i shake and feel sick, im remarried to a lovely man and have been with him 8 years. She is lucky to have a friend like you. Wishing her and the children all the best in there new life. Yes there will be days when she wonders was she right, can she cope, what will the children think, but she has done the hardest bit, leaving is always the hardest bit, change her phone number just a word of caution be careful who she gives the new number too as sometimes they can bully or make a friend think hes a ''nice man'' and they will give him the number thinking there helping. Try and stay one step ahead, remember a door chain for both front and back doors when she does get a new place these can sometimes give you just that extra few mins to phone for help if the ex arrives angry and/or drunk, sorry if i am making it sound horrid and worrying you but it is amazing what they will do to try to get back in control. please give her a hug from me and i truly hope it all works out

[Seahorse]

Really pleased to hear she's taken that first step. Wishing her lots of luck for the future.

[Potstubsdustbins]

In that one and only case I was involved in, well vey much on the edge of the man could not see his actions were wrong. He had a beautiful, loving wife and when he came into my shop one last time he could not believe that she had left him.

When people think what they are doing is the norm it is very hard to rehabilitate them

Colin

[its hilly]

Well that's good to hear. It's always sad to hear of a relationship ending, especially when kids are involved, but there are times when enough is enough.
The enormity of what she's done and still has to do will hit home in a few days..but with your help she will get through. Just take each day as it comes, and have little celebrations (a giant bar of choci, or a girly night with a dvd) to welcome even small steps forwards.
I've had a friend go through this. It was very hard at first, her kids were older and gave her hell. But she was so much happier. And now her kids are young adults and understand both sides and all is well between them.
Give her a hug and a big best for the future from me.

[JanieB]

Jax, please tell your friend it WILL turn out alright. I left my abusive husband more than 20 years ago. I met a wonderful man a few years later and we were very happy together until he died. My ex still tries to control my life. Our children no longer let him get to me through them, but he's had me thrown out of a funeral and tried to get me thrown out of another one (unsuccessfully that time but I left of my own accord as the funeral was for our friend and not about us).

I now have a comfortable and independent life in my own house. I also have the love and attention of our children and grandchildren.

[Hilary B]

My sister was married to a man who really couldn't help being a swine, his childhood set him up for it. I did (and do) feel sorry for him, but that didn't entitle him to treat her the way he did!
This one had a father who was totally convinced that women should not be respected (it wasn't that unusual an attitude among such folk back then), and a mother who twice left (for reasons that I have never heard, but it just didn't happen in those days, so either she was more callous than most, or it was pretty horrendous, or a bit of both) leaving the 2 boys to be put in an orphanage for a few months before she came back. The second time it happened he was about 10.
Some men really CAN'T behave decently towards women, and the only answer is to get out and stay out, for the sake of ALL concerned. Such a man is better off without a live-in slave to encourage his worst traits, even if he won't believe it.