Emotional Blackmail - Advice Please

[Two_Sheds]

For what it's worth, I would not be giving her any more money. She is an adult now ...It sounds as if she is not interested in actually being your daughter, and instead, only wants you to be there because of the money.

Speaking from the outside, this is how I see it too. The more you give, the more she'll take (and still not be grateful for it)

Have you thought of writing all that in a letter to her?

I'd say that's the way to go too. Put it all down like you have to us. Say what you've done for her, how hard it's been for you too, how you appreciate she's not had an ideal home life but you did what you thought was best for her.

She may well put her parts on, tear the letter up. But you've offered the hand of friendship, I don't see what more you can do.


(we're in a slightly similar position: Mr TS's ex has a very generous monthly income from us, more than CSA would give her. She also kept the family home, which she sold for a good profit. She now has a 3rd husband who is keeping her in Lexuses. Little One had a mobile for her 8th birthday, and a laptop for her 9th. What else? We don't even get to see her every week like we'd agreed to. We just, as you have done, keep that door open to her for when she wants to know us.

[Florence Fennel]

Although it sounds hard, if you have told her you cannot afford to help her financially, but that you love her and will help in any other way you can, then I would not be contacting her. I don't think you'll change her mind at this stage while she's still behaving like a demanding child. Leave her to do a bit more growing up and get a bit of experience of the real world. She may then realise that she does need you and not just for your purse. You've an awful lot on your plate at the moment, concentrate for the time being on getting yourself sorted out. You have no control over what your daughter decides to do and if you can't do anything about it, it's not worth worrying about. Best wishes to you.

[smallblueplanet]

Thanks Taff, its not that we dont want to help her out, its that we cant really afford to. If I had the money she could have it in a flash, but after 18 years of scrimping and struggling, not buying each other anything for xmas etc its time we got ourselves financially secure before we can do anything else.

She lives 30 miles away, so asking her to come and work for her money wouldnt work as it would cost her more than I could geive her to get here.

I've stopped reading the thread here (just so you know)...

I realise she is your 'flesh & blood' but come on, she's taking you for a ride. She's quite happy to see you struggle and doesn't feel any emotional problem with this. I'm sure lots could be written about this and has been - but my 'short take' on it is - provide emotional and maybe even physical (ie a room) support but you are a fool to provide financial support as you are being taken for a mug. Does she actually feel any emotional attachment to you at all? I can't see how she can and treat you so badly when you are in a bad situation yourselves. You make me feel like saying 'is there anything I can do to help you both' and I don't even know you really. How does she respond? Life is tough and nasty at times, stand up to her because you have to show you know what's going on and that you will do what is right.
You can still be there for her - just not with money. Good luck, I hope she turns out to be as lovely as you two obviously are. Manda x

[VirginVegGrower]

If you've requested mediation and she doesn't want it, then I am afraid it's time to think about your own life and wait until the day she has children which is when her attitude will alter (I would guess). Making you pay is hitting you where it hurts and as she is angry with you this seems to be her only way of satiating that anger.
Keep the heat out of this and I guess in time she will come around.

[its hilly]

Big hug from me too.
As my mum says 'no matter how big you grow or how old you are or what you do, you will always be my little girl'.
Sadly you have been unable to have the contact with your little girl which would have given her the balance she needed when she was growing up.
That said..she is now technically an adult, and part of that as we all know is that s**t happens. Its not the happening but how we deal with it that is important. You have helped and supported her as much (and more) than can be reasonably expected. Your sensible suggestions of counceling have been ignored, and the fact that she has had over �1500 from you that she was not entitled to is being treated with complete disrespect. She needs to grow up a bit more before she even starts to see just how much you have already done, and how much you deeply care.
Sadly I think you need to take a step back for now, and look after yourself and himself. By all means continue to offer practical help, offer to go with her to see people (I rather think that CAB can provide details of people who will put up deposits or bonds for rented properties, they can in this area, so may the council, so may DHSS) to help her find financial help and support for her and her partner, of their own. But it's time for her partner to take responsibility for their welfare now and she needs to accept this rather than running to a mum she is not treating with respect to ask for handouts.
But please don't feel that you have to continue to support her financially. You can't afford to, she will never learn to look after herself if you continue to do it for her. I really feel for you, because it's so hard for you. Whatever you do you will feel guilty one way or another.
Whatever happens..please take care of yourself.

[di]

In my head what I'm about to say is relevant...sorry if it's not.
I can distinctly remember a moment in my life(just turned 20)that I understood grown ups had feelings too(an incident with my mum).Up until then,although I always respected them I think I thought they were above worry and emotion....I guess what I'm trying to say is that yes,maybe she is taking you for a ride but is she totally aware or meaning to do so?My take on it is,I had an upbringing where my parents shielded me from grown up worries,if something was getting them down a smiley face would hide it from me and my sisters...it wasn't until I was an adult myself I realised this.
I've obviously not met your daughter but wonder if this may be true for her too...that even though she's legally an adult she still has the mindset that grown ups are a different breed that not only don't have true feelings and worries but also have magic purses.
If you haven't already I think now's the time to tell her like it is...let her know you have feelings and that right now her actions/attitude are hurting,show her just what a struggle it is for you to make ends meet.

Sorry,I've had a couple of beers

[Suky]

My feelings are that it is sometimes far easier to blame someone else for lifes shortcomings (and your own) than to deal with it yourself. She has to learn that we all have to take responsibility for our own actions and lives and at 18 she is no longer a child. I agree with the letter idea and to step back from the situation.
I say this as a 54 year old woman who has always had someone to bail her out until I realised 2 years ago that it was my responibility and not my poor husbands. Now I am nearly debt free under my own steam. I do hope that your daughter catches on faster than me!

[snohare]

That which does not destroy us makes us strong.
The attitude she has is one which will ultimately destroy her. The idea that she is owed it all won't stop with you. You mustn't give in to it, or she will never have an example of an attitude that makes for strength, as a template to go by. She may well be far from managing to appreciate it at present, but it's a long sad road I'm afraid.
Reading between the lines, I have suspicions about how much her boyfriend is feeding the flames, and what he'd spend the money on.
IMHO !

[Headfry]

HI Suzanne sorry to hear of your plight, sadly I can offer no helpful advice. All I can offer is my love and hugs. Your are having such an awful time of it at the moment, I wish for things to get much, much better for you, for you all.

Love HF
xx

[HeyWayne]

Money is nothing unless you understand value - it sounds like her father hasn't done much in the way of teaching her this.

Good luck Suzanne - whatever you do, you'll be doing it for the right reasons, and we all know here that you're doing it with her best interests at heart.

[Patchninja]

I haven't read all the replies so perhaps I'm repeating something but this made me hopping mad. I really feel for you. If she won't even give you her address, then I'm sorry, but she's having a laugh if she expects you to fork out huge sums of money for her. Her father is responsable for the rotten relationship she has with you so tell her to go and ask him for the money, or work for it.HUGS!!! If she isn't mature enough at 18 to understand your problems, then when will she grow up if not given a wake-up call?

[Mrs Dobby]

Well, after another couple of long emails from me, and short n snappy replies from her where she throws it all back in my face, she deleted both myself and MrD from her FB friends list yesterday. Guess she has given up trying to get her own way by direct approach, and now seeks to remove us from her FB so she can bitch and moan about us to her hearts content.

On top of that my area manager came into my store yesterday, we've got no Deputy Manager atm, 1 person (15 hrs a week) off on hols, we've had 2 of us out for first aid and health and safety training and 7 of my part time staff started in the last 3 weeks, but cos the standards werent what he wanted to see he basically told me to get it sorted or else, hes coming in next Friday, which is one of my days off, and although I am already working this sunday (half of my 1 weekend a month off) it looks like we will be working till 10pm all wek, which means 2 x 14 hr days and a 12 hr day on my days in, followed by working both my days off to some extent.

He's a new Area Manager, already has 1 bullying grievance against him and has sacked 2 managers already, he is a bully, cares nothing for anyone, I feel totally desponadant, I dont want to give in, but I feel just like curling up in a ball and hibernating. My sales and KPI's are good, our customer service is excellent, but it now seems we are expected to deliver everything, despite having 1/4 less staff than last year.

At least Ive still got the assessment center for a job with a supermarket coming up and another job offer from the same company on hold.

Thanks for being there guys n gals, it is appreciated!

[chris]

At least you have the vine and your plots for escapism oh, yes and mr d

[smallblueplanet]

He's a new Area Manager, already has 1 bullying grievance against him and has sacked 2 managers already, he is a bully, cares nothing for anyone...

Grrr!!! Trying to look good & get ahead at the expense of his staff. Only one way to deal with bullies and that is stand up to them. Not always easy especially with everything else you've got going on, but you can do it!

Good luck.

[Glutton4...]

I've not posted until now, as I don't have kids, but there's a load of really good advice on here, in my opinion, so I hope it all sorts itself out. You're obviously a very strong person, which is very useful, too!

I just want to say ((((BIG HUGS)))) from me. it's obviously your turn to be visited by the Sh!t fairy, and I hope she moves on soonest.