Mother in laws?

[janeyo]

Does anyone have issues with their mother in law?

Mine has just accused me of stealing from her, forcing her son to get married abroad she she was not able to attend, and keeping her grandchildren from her for 7 years and not allowing her son to visit her.... ?! * a bit speechless really as I give up my sunday afternoons to clean her house for her as she can't walk. (she has chronic lung disease and her husband has terminal cancer). I am afraid she has cut off her nose to spite her face as I shan't be lifting a finger to help her anymore.


By the same token, if anyone has a great one that they love to bits please share as I would love to know that there are some relationships that work!

I know my husband feels caught in the middle here but am really at the end of my tether as regards being her whipping boy! Can I feasibly refuse to have anything more to do with her and how would this work logistically?

[zazen999]

My MIL - well I never met her as she died before I met Mr Z.

He misses her dreadfully.

Do you think that she is losing it a bit rather than really thinking that about you?

[grannymem]

So tough for you - I can't imagine how fed up you're feeling right now.

As a mother-in-law of 3 (2 sons-in -law and a daughter-in-law) I'm sure I've made awaful mistakes bit so far I don't think I've said anything too awful but maybe they'd say something to the contrary,

As Zazen says, maybe it's more her situation that she's hitting out at rather than you (life doesn't sound too good for her either...)
If you do refuse to help anymore, will that affect you and your husband?

And if anything happens to her or your F-i-Law will you feel awful later? Such a difficult situation for you and Mr Janeyo - what a way to have to lead up to Christmas!!

I hope none of this reply sounds too 'pious' - only you know what you're having to put up with and having to deal with - good luck and I really hope you find a way to deal with it. At least on the Vine you know there are an awful lot of people who care about you! xx

[Seahorse]

That's miserable Jane Has she always been horrid and resentful of you? Or could it be as Zaz suggests that she's gone off the rails?

I don't have a MiL, as David's mum died before we got together but my ex-MiL was a nightmare. After the memorable day when she tried to punch me (!) I kept contact to a bare minimum. Not easy or pleasant, especially when you have kids but sometimes you have to look after yourself first. It sounds to me as though you've tried very hard to get on and be helpful but I think at the very least a break from her is in order.

[scarey55]

Sorry to hear this Janey, it is always difficult for everyone in situations like this

Has she always been like this, or has it just come on suddenly? The reason I'm asking is, if she has suddenly started to be difficult she may be worrying about herself or husband and taking it out on you (perhaps without realising it) If, on the other hand, she has always been like this then, I guess that you have to try and keep away from her as much as you can and try and keep your hands from her throat when you do have to see her

[donnakebab]

I think Zazen could be right in that she could be loosing it. My MIL is brilliant but she has just been diagnosed with alzheimers. There's a good chance I won't see her again as she is with 5 of her kids in Australia, 4 still left here.

It's natural to think that you won't lift a finger for her again but once you've calmed down you will probably change your mind. After all it sounds like neither of them may be around for too much longer and that is going to have a bad enough effect on your OH as it is, and the kids too maybe.

[Mikey]

My MIL is fab, but my FIL is a pain in the proverbial. I quite often have to bite my tongue as he voices his opinions, all for the good of a sensible relationship.

My own mother however is a total pain to my wife and I get caught up in the middle of it which is difficult. I think as a mother you never want to lose your son and the same goes for a daughter and her father.

As OH's we have to take into account how we would feel if someone we are not totally happy with took our own children away from us. When I think like this, I find it a lot easier to be more tolerant.

I think sometimes we have to accept that we are never going to be best buddies and learn to tolerate each other and do unto others as we would have them do to us.

Merry Christmas Janeyo.

[FROSTYFRECKLE]

My MIL (now deceased) was not nice (on an open forum I cannot put what I really feel). Her favourite comment/put down was that Mr Frosty's other siblings married into money and then he married me! You can guess I was not born with a silver spoon in my mouth. But I urge you to reconsider your thoughts about helping out. She could be the most spiteful, evil old mare out but she is your OH's mum. When she is gone, do you really want your OH feeling guilty that he (and you) did not help out in her last months/days/hours? Accept you will never be able to do anything right in her eyes and instead do it all for your OH.

[HeyWayne]

I'm fortunate that my m-i-l thinks the sun shines out of mine. Drives me crackers, but love her.

[janeyo]

Thanks for all the helpful comments. I have thought long and hard about it and it is not something sudden she has started to do.

I am not going to be treated like that, or spoken to like that by anyone, I will concentrate my efforts on helping people that do appreciate it such as my 92yr old nan and my own parents. Maybe she needs some time to apreciate all we have been doing for her over the past few months

There is nothing wrong with her mind Zaz, if there were we would have been able to force the changes we have been( gently) suggesting!

It is hard for my husband I know, but if the boot was on the the foot I would not be able to stand meekly by and let my mother accuse him of such things! He says you only get one mother, and by jove I am sorry he got lumbered with the one he's got. (Give me mine anyday, who treats him like another son)

Thanks all, I am a little calmer now. I hate to see an injustice!

[Alison]

I think as a mother you never want to lose your son and the same goes for a daughter and her father.

Think my MIL decided that by the time I came along it was about time OH settled down so she was well keen for us to get together properly. My nan was apparently the same with my dad .

To be honest I've been sooooo lucky with her, she's s star and loved by all my friends too. When we got married my mum was a bit of a pain but MIL (or MIL to be as she was then) just congratulated us and told me the things she could do if we wanted any help but left it to us unless we came back to her. She'd probably have been upset if I'd not included her but wouldn't have said anything and really helped me make the bridesmail dresses. I now probably see more of her than OH as we go shopping etc together. I think both my mum and MIL (neither of us have dad's anymore) see their child's partner as part of their family and another son / daughter which makes it so much easier. I do however know friends who have a hellish relationship where they think they're not good enough for their dearest child, they usually lose out in the end which is terribly sad.

[Mikey]

My MIL is always chastising my FIL for the way he is with me, to her I have become another son, but to him as the dad in 'meet the fockers' would say 'I'm outside of the circle'.

You will never be the one in your MIL's eyes Janeyo, but would you be happy to let her suffer by not helping her. I'm not sure I could do that to my FIL for all his faults I wouldn't cut him of from his family.

[VirginVegGrower]

My mother was a matron of a care home and regularly told me tales of when the regular visitors of daughters/sons/in laws came in they were rebuffed and moaned to and about. Those that turned up now and again were thought of highly. I'm afraid this is the norm. My OHs mother was an old cuss but at least my OH knew it and dealt with it. She is no longer with us and as awful as it sounds, although he misses her, he does not miss the constant moaning. At the end of the day she was miserable without her husband. She was frustrated at the loss of her life that became more of an existence with every day that passed. I would take some time out - explain that you have hurt your back or something which will leave you unable to assist for a couple of weeks. Then maybe her attitude will warm a little once she realised she has cut her nose off to spite her face. Will give you a clearer perspective on it too. Heat, anger and emotion will fade with time. My mum has her moments too believe me. Mr VVG has endless patience whereas I bite my tongue. But then she is caring 24/7 for my nan who has late stage Alzheimers. It is horrendous and does not make for a happy home - believe me.
One day we'll all be old!

[Mikey]

One day we'll all be old!

Yes I'm looking forward to that Bisto gravy moment.

[Seahorse]

There are a lot of extremely kind and tolerant viewpoints here. I think you're right though Jane - if this isn't a sudden thing brought on by age or infirmity, then why should you put up with it? Even when I'm a mad old bat I will consider it *my* responsibility to get on with any children in law I may be lucky enough to have, I certainly wouldn't expect them to put up with me being offensive!!!