Have come to you guys cos I am so desperate for some words of wisdom

[Finedon.Dandy]

Firstly I am so so sorry I havent been on here much - not only do I seem to have become a fair weather gardener but I also seem to have become a fair weather grape I feel even worse for having the cheek to call upon you when I am feeling so low but hope you will all forgive me.

Alot of you know what a dreadful year Bashful Bill (son 6 - also have daughter 8 and twincesses 2) had settling into reception - well he didnt settle and was disruptive and at time verging on aggressive. Well the good news is that he settled into year one wonderfuly; his teacher seemed to understand him, unlike the teacher the year before who didnt seem to even like him but then it was her first year. The teaching assistants who had also been in contact with him last year said he is like a different child this year. His behaviour at home hadnt improved that much but it was copeable as long as he was good at school I felt I could manage.

However at the end of last week I went to his teacher to advise her that I was struggling to cope with him at home again and she admitted that his behaviour had deteriorated again at school but that they were coping and hopeful it would improve. I set about making reward charts - for all 4 kids so he wouldnt feel singled out and he was promised if he was good getting ready in the mornings he would get a sticker to take in to show his teacher. Unfortuanelt we we havent had a good morning for me to be able to carry out that promise yet and then I was told he had had a very bad day yesterday. I put on Facebook how I was struggling and how it doesnt help that hubbie has to stay away so much. I did get lots of virtual hugs etc and felt a little better but it still doesnt help knowing that this is all my fault and worse it seems beyond my control.

Now when I woke this am, I felt even more tired than my usual exhaustion and have got (sorry for tmi) the runs. Bluebelle said she felt sick so I got an appointment for us both at the docs. Bashfull had been playing up as usual but he went mad when he realised Bluebelle wasnt going school. I warned the supply teacher (yeah typical) that we had had a bad morning and that he may try pulling a fast one cos his sister was off. I was just pulling onto our drive, back from docs, when mobile rung and it was the school asking me to go in. OMG he had been hitting, kicking, pinching etc the headteacher (who thinks he is very bright and thinks alot of him) who had been called to the classroom to remove him after he started to disrupt the class.

As a result he has been sent home for the rest of the day and I really dont know what to do with him. I dont feel well, am so tired and although I asked for work for him to do, its so hard keeping his interest up when I have got ALL our plates sat dirty on the drainer looking at me. Bluebelle has been quite good and stayed up in her room resting, tv on but doing some school work too. I just feel such a failiure and am finding it very hard to feel any love in my heart for him and that makes me feel like such a bad mother for even thinking that. I cant sob - I have got to be strong but I just want to run becuase I cant do this - I am failing him. If he turns out bad I will never forgive myself

Whats next?

[shobhna]

Oh boy. You sound like you could do with a great big hug and someone to just igve you a bit of a break.
I'm no child expert so can't give advise but I do understand how you must be feeling.

I don't know if this makes sense but does Bashful feel somehow that he has to rule just because there are younger siblings and he is not keen on sharing you? I'm only thinking of how it was for us when we were children. I have 3 brothers hence the question about having to share the parent.

and I do send you a big virtual hug.

[vicky]

Hey Tammy, you sound so down, lots of hugs sent your way.
It's awful when your child is naughty, makes you feel like a total failure as a mum! I've had lots of problems with my daughter (13), won't go into them here (but pm me if you need a chat). We did a course at her school called 'Strenghtening Families' which really helped. It made me realise that I rarely listen (properly) to her and haven't always supported her. But it was run in a nice way - you didn't feel like a loser! And there were parents there with naughty children too who understood what you were going through. Although she's still difficult at school (she's at 'naughty school' now...) she's now ok at home. ish.
My daughter sees a counceller too and we've filled in a CAF form from the council to look into what other help we can get for her - they will get her to do an Anger Mangement programme. Maybe something Bill could do with?
There's help out there, some people don't understand when your child is naughty but you are doing your best, it doesn't make you a bad mum!
Does mr Finedon know how down you are? Have you spoken to the doctor (about yourself and Bill?) Hope you feel better later x

[VirginVegGrower]

I don't know your situation, but can't Dad take a more active role - I'm not speaking out of turn here - just that when boys reach that age they start to turn away from mum and towards Dad. It MAY BE that this is an issue for him. It doesn't have to be face to face. Could be on telephone. Or is there a Grandad, an Uncle maybe that could participate more. If not, how about looking at a football club or karate club for him, where he can expend all that energy. Puts him in the middle of a male hell hole, where he will probably love it. I have a book called Raising Boys - see if your local library has it. Or I can post mine to you for a borrowing session. Reward charts are all very well, a physical aide for the child, but it sounds as though he may not be interested. Does he have a favourite cuddly/toy? Teddy used to tell me when my son was cross and then through teddy, number one son would tell me why. You've got to be a bit creative here. It's nothing you're doing wrong, but with three sisters and a mum he might be feeling a bit outnumbered. How about inviting a male friend over, although your hands look full, so maybe he would be better in after school clubs. Have the school proffered their thoughts?
Boys have lots of energy to run off in my opinion. I have one of each and they couldn't be more different. Boys don't start to become switched on at school until they are about 7/8 IMHO. Girls tend to go straight in, itching to get their hands on pencil crayons
I suppose bullying at school has been investigated/ruled out?

Rest assured, you are doing your best! Just count to five always with a boy, actually make that fifty

PS. Hope the illness disappears soon.

[Florence Fennel]

Hi Tammy, you've been missed love, but we all know how busy you are. Firstly, this is certainly not your fault, so stop beating yourself up about it. I think you've really got to talk to him about his behaviour and why he's doing what he's doing. My eldest son had some problems with aggression around the age of 7 (though he damaged school property not people) which turned out to be his reaction to being bullied by two of his classmates and we discovered he was suffering from regular migraines. You seem to have the co-operation of his school, so I'm sure between you you'll get him sorted, he's very young. Ask him to help you with the washing up and talk to him while you're doing it. I'm sure we have some experts on child behaviour who will be along to help you Tammy, in the meantime, keep your chin up, it'll be ok.

[rustylady]

Oh Tammy, I feel for you. Firstly stop blaming yourself - none of this is your fault! And you are not the only one, one of my grandsons had a terrible reception year - they even put him on one to one support. He is a bright and loving child, but reception did not suit him. He is doing much better this year, but still has the occasional blip.

I do wonder if your son is feeling a bit left out - I had 3 daughters and one son and I remember him saying to me when he was about 7 or 8 "I hate living here, even the bloody dog is a girl". We got over it though, and I'm sure you will too.

As for your reward charts, make sure they are broken down into simple, easily achievable tasks. Then he will get at least some stars. Make sure you praise and encourage him when he does something good. And remember he is only six years old, little more than a baby himself (same age as aforementioned grandson).

I'm sure other grapes will be along shortly to offer advice and support, and I will put my thinking cap on for other ideas to encourage and amuse him.

Love and hugs from another mother of four (and now grandmother of nine

[Finedon.Dandy]

wow nine grandchildren!

Thank you everyone. I know deep down its not my fault and I only feel like this because I care but it doesnt help when he is in a corner screaming at the wall like just now. He has decided its much less fun being at home and he really wants to go to school tomorrow so is playing ball - for now.

I have purchased on ebay some very task specific reward stickers, like "I went to bed on time, I ate my dinner, I did it without a fuss", etc etc Just hope they arrive soon!

I do think he suffers not only from being a boy but also from being in the middle. He would have done much better if he was the eldest I am sure.

Hubby is working over 3 hours away at the mo. He has to stay over night on a Wednesday night (tonight) as his firm resents paying out for his travel time and petrol and in any case he doesnt get home till gone 9pm when (theoreticaly) Bill is fast asleep. I do miss his support even though he basicaly only comes home for dinner (creating more washing up) and to sleep. The situation is made worse in that most Tuesdays he also stays overnight at his Mums (who lives halfway between) to give her support following the passing on of father in law a year ago. Why one of his three brothers cannot stay over occaisionaly I will never know but its not teh time for a rant on that.

I would hope bullying isnt the issue although he was triggered (it would seem) by him feeling that the other children were laughing at him.

[SlugLobber]

Not being a parent I don't feel able to offer experience-based advice, but the situation with your hubby sounds far from ideal. You're effectively a single parent for 5 days a week. I come from a single parent family in which my sister was the naughty one. My sister also ended up a single parent and her son was expelled from nursery for biting a teacher. There are lots of other things which happened to unsettle him, more, but I can say that he's now a decent human being at the age of 20! So, a bad phase in childhood doesn't mean he'll 'turn out bad'.

I can also say that as a child bullied throughout school, it does make you paranoid and even now it stays with me. I was generally well behaved, but often got into trouble with my mouth, trying to fit in. I then hated the teacher for telling me off, as it marked me out. Catch 22.

Does the school offer a 'Buddy' system, where a nice kid is assigned the job of helping your son and partnering up with him for games etc?

Other than that I think a serious talk is needed with your hubby about his job. If there is any way at all that he can work closer to home or from home a couple of days a week, he needs to push for it. At the very least he needs to share responsibility for his mother with his siblings.

Hope you're ok. You do sound really down.

[rustylady]

Tammy, do you have any close friends nearby that you can really talk to?

[Finedon.Dandy]

It does often feel like I am a single parent. Dont know how Armed Forces partners cope and I didnt even sign up to this situation. There isnt anything I can do about his job, it just seems this contract is going on and on and on. He thought it would finish in October but here we are 4 months later and hes not said anything more as to an end time but then he could be even further away next time. The best jobs are central London as then I do actualy set eyes on him - afraid I am often asleep by 9pm! As for siblings- pah The 2nd eldest lives nearer but was the one to complain when hubby had to stop staying every Wednesday cos firm wanted him to stay in a hotel each Wednesday. His words were "Funny how its the night he stays with Mum" - grrrr

There are many stories of "bad" childhoods turning out ok and I do try and take heart from them, really I do. I guess its just when you are going through it........ I am looking forward to the day when I can sit and laugh about it with him. He is such a bright, loving boy and alot of fun - he just cant control his emotions its from one extreme to the other with him. I think him trying to look good in front of his classmates has alot to do with it but dont know how to help with that as I was bullied and went the other way - used to hide under a stone etc.

Rusty - I do have friends here and I can chat but it seems they never know quite what to say. Its almost like they dont understand. You see on here we have such a rich diversity of people - even the ones without kids seem to understand.

[SarzWix]

My middle child was a horror for a few years in primary, he's 15 in 4 weeks and is doing fine these days. Although he still has a problem knowing when to shut his mouth... Dunno where he gets that from
He was always better for 2 things - 1. Spending some time doing some rough stuff - scrambling around one of those ball-pool places for instance. 2. Spending some time with someone on his own. My sisters occasionally took him out on his own, or took eldest out so he had the house to himself for a bit.

It really can have a massive impact on the youngest, having another sibling foisted on them - they might already feel slightly inadequate by having someone achieving everything before they can. New siblings then give the feeling that they weren't quite good enough so the new one(s) are to make up for the disappointment. As a middle child myself, it's not a position I ever relished.

I would suggest cutting him some slack, and don't act all horrified and disappointed when something happens, that'll just make him feel even more crap, and more like lashing out... Empathise, explain that sometimes you feel like punching people too!

Stickers and rewards never achieved anything at all with my son, the best thing was paying attention to him, at the 'expense' of the others. Never allow yourself to be distracted by the others when he's speaking, unless it's a genuine emergency for example. And like someone else suggested, get him involved in something that doesn't involve any of his sisters, where he can achieve things which aren't going to be compared to the others.

Sorry, fairly random ramblings there...

[SlugLobber]

"Why one of his three brothers cannot stay over occaisionaly I will never know but its not teh time for a rant on that."

I don't envy you the task (I'm terrible at avoiding confrontation, then blowing a fuse as I can't take anymore!), but I disagree with you, here. This is impacting on your family life and is affecting your son. Obviously one night isn't going to solve everything, but I think now is exactly the time for a rant. A friend of mine is having similar trouble. She has three brothers and she herself is recovering from a badly broken leg. Yet, she is is the one acting as full time carer to her mother. One of the brothers visits once a week and can't see how much of a deal it is, but he goes off on his merry way after a couple of hours, while she's stuck 24/7. Families, eh?

Just had a thought. Is there any way you could take the kiddies to see Grandma on the same night he stays there? That way, you could all spend the night together and if nothing else, you get a little help for a few hours. It would mean an early rise the next morning, but maybe you could change the night he stays to a weekend one and stay during the week for school hols?

[VirginVegGrower]

Agree wholeheartedly with SW - some undivided time and attention. Reward charts don't speak for hugs or rough stuff on the floor. Lads of six love to wrestle Mum and win! Boys are needy and worse when men - aren't you guys?!

At six boys start to be aware that they are different, ie. a man. So they start to emulate the males, wrestling, kicking (buy a ball and goalpost), if not tapped it can lead to aggression in school. I agree he needs slack and a bit of understanding as a mini man trying to find his own way. I still have the skid marks in my pine table where trains were scuffed and crashed together. Still have dents in the skirting board, thank God for rustic pine, where you cars/Scalextric got flung. Karate club, where he can be pretty much male environment, punch away at a doll, achieve belts/badges/awards will deal with pretty much most of these ills.
He's not bad, he just needs some testosterone and if Dad can't give it, am sure you can find a bit.

My son and I used to toboggan the lane when it was snowy, steep and unadopted. Once until 2am!!! He still talks about it now

Take heart, all is not lost. If you want that book...

[VirginVegGrower]

It does often feel like I am a single parent. Dont know how Armed Forces partners cope and I didnt even sign up to this situation. There isnt anything I can do about his job, it just seems this contract is going on and on and on. He thought it would finish in October but here we are 4 months later and hes not said anything more as to an end time but then he could be even further away next time. The best jobs are central London as then I do actualy set eyes on him - afraid I am often asleep by 9pm! As for siblings- pah The 2nd eldest lives nearer but was the one to complain when hubby had to stop staying every Wednesday cos firm wanted him to stay in a hotel each Wednesday. His words were "Funny how its the night he stays with Mum" - grrrr

There are many stories of "bad" childhoods turning out ok and I do try and take heart from them, really I do. I guess its just when you are going through it........ I am looking forward to the day when I can sit and laugh about it with him. He is such a bright, loving boy and alot of fun - he just cant control his emotions its from one extreme to the other with him. I think him trying to look good in front of his classmates has alot to do with it but dont know how to help with that as I was bullied and went the other way - used to hide under a stone etc.

Rusty - I do have friends here and I can chat but it seems they never know quite what to say. Its almost like they dont understand. You see on here we have such a rich diversity of people - even the ones without kids seem to understand.

Sorry, just seen this! Does he have a Xbox? Just a thought and not a permanent solution. He may even be a little too young yet, but could his Dad get one. They could play online together, car racing maybe and with a headset, talk all the time. May not provide a solution, more ramblings from me and just trying to think outside the box...

[VirginVegGrower]

wow nine grandchildren!

Thank you everyone. I know deep down its not my fault and I only feel like this because I care but it doesnt help when he is in a corner screaming at the wall like just now. He has decided its much less fun being at home and he really wants to go to school tomorrow so is playing ball - for now.

I have purchased on ebay some very task specific reward stickers, like "I went to bed on time, I ate my dinner, I did it without a fuss", etc etc Just hope they arrive soon!

I do think he suffers not only from being a boy but also from being in the middle. He would have done much better if he was the eldest I am sure.

Hubby is working over 3 hours away at the mo. He has to stay over night on a Wednesday night (tonight) as his firm resents paying out for his travel time and petrol and in any case he doesnt get home till gone 9pm when (theoreticaly) Bill is fast asleep. I do miss his support even though he basicaly only comes home for dinner (creating more washing up) and to sleep. The situation is made worse in that most Tuesdays he also stays overnight at his Mums (who lives halfway between) to give her support following the passing on of father in law a year ago. Why one of his three brothers cannot stay over occaisionaly I will never know but its not teh time for a rant on that.

I would hope bullying isnt the issue although he was triggered (it would seem) by him feeling that the other children were laughing at him.

Me again! If he is struggling to get "accepted" is he struggling in lessons? I don't want to give you another worry, but it sounds as though there may be an underlying issue. School should be closer on this/be able to guide you. If it was me and it's not, but if it were, I would schedule a meeting between you, Dad, head and form tutor, just to see if anything educationally is amiss.
If not, next step would be to find local football club. It usually means standing up to your ankles in mud on a Saturday morning. And/or karate class. It's not brutal. It will not make the situation worse. He will HAVE TO LEARN To temper his anger in karate. Patience and control is a key element of karate. It teaches you to assess and pull back, think strategically. All of these good, not bad things.
I have rambled enough and I'm sure you are already scrambled.

Good luck with it all and REMEMBER, count to 50!