Have come to you guys cos I am so desperate for some words of wisdom

[northepaul]

Tammy, I dont know if this is a similar situation but when my eldest two were small, I suffered from severe depression (related to post natel) - I had moved miles away from everyone, no support from my (at the time) husband who worked nights, slept all day and didnt feel it was his role to look after kids anyway. My family are non exsistant in that respect too.
I was stuck all day every day with kids and no adult company and no breaks. Then after things came to a head, I joined the mother and toddler group and another organisation called scope (which is not the same one as now) and made friends with people - it makes such a difference to have somone to talk to, even for half an hour, once a week.
Also, if you have an inkling you might have depression (I am not casting aspertions here) please do go and see the doctor.

Meanwhile, good luck and huge hugs! xxxx

[Seahorse]

Firstly, as you're obviously struggling with practicalities, get paper plates, plastic cutlery and some sauces to add to meat/veg. Quick, reasonably healthy dinners, no washing up apart from the pans. That gives you at least a small amount of time and space to concentrate on other things.

Secondly, is your lad 'naughty', or does he have some special needs? (Not necessarily different things tbh). What do his teacher(s) and your GP think?

[mothhawk]

I don't have kids, but I reckon you need one of these

[zazen999]

I agree with pretty much everyone else, but from the complete outside I'd say that your lad is in dire need of his dad. I think you need to put your foot down and try to get him back home as much as possible; at least to have some contact during the week even if it's through skype or something...

[di]

Hi Love, sorry you're struggling so much. As you know from F/B, I'm totally in the camp of praise and attention when things are good, however, there are times where I feel they need to know when they've stepped properly out of line.
As you know, Ash has his little quirky differences and at times I've really struggled. Watching him and listening to him have helped me understand that, for the most part, he's not often naughty or intentionally difficult, he's just him. Very highly strung, incredibly intelligent and the ability to concentrate on one thing 100 per cent but add another task and he's stumped. Little things like knowing he needs to be active to get to sleep, he's upstairs now playing with some little figures, or that if I ask him to get his shoes on whilst he's thinking or talking about something else I stand little chance of him doing so. He has a fidget corner at the back of his class as his teacher has worked out she can't stop him, but she can stop him from distracting the class if he's not in front of them. He is going to have to learn to control these things...and many others, but at 7 he's still quite young and in my mind the relevant things to correct are if someone else is hurt, either physically or mentally. In yr one he pulled down a little girls pants...I was furious and on the way home from school we stopped at the shop for boxes, got home and emptied every last toy from his room into those boxes and put them in the garage. He knew how upset I was and we did sit and chat about it, but he earnt those toys back. If he attacked a teacher then the very same thing would happen....he'd get love, hugs and understanding from me, just he'd also know that that behaviour wasn't acceptable and there would be consequences.

How's your eldest with the twins? Could you leave her for half an hour or so with them whilst you and him do some baking, or you watch what he's doing on the computer...anything, just let him know you're interested (even if you're not ) And when OH is about, make sure he spends time with him or at least gives you the chance to spend some quality time with him, letting him decide what he wants to do. What you think is an exciting morning might not be what he thinks...I remember taking ours to the zoo once, after ten minutes Ash was fed up and wanted to go home to play on his Mickey Mouse Play Station 1 game! (we didn't btw) For one morning or afternoon, don't worry if he's getting fresh air or if the activity doesn't appear to be the perfect Mother/ Son bonding thing...just do what he wants and sit and fake interset if needs be

I hope that doesn't sound too critical, believe me, I know what it's like to be doing it on your own...and I only have the two. I'm by no means an expert parent, I too have my nights where I think I've failed them and am the worst mum ever, but I also think BB is a lot like Ash. I've met you a couple of times and think you're nothing but a great Mum. Give yourself and BB a bit of a break...stop expecting him to be a 'normal little boy'...he's him, a very special little him that may need a little more understanding than your average 6 yr old boy but one that will reward you so much once you get to know and accept his quirks.
xxx

[di]

Bloody Hell that was long....sorry

[Hilary B]

So much good advice, nothing to add, but would like to emphasis a few points.
1) get the Special Needs possibility checked out, there may be something causing him to be unable to 'be good'.
2) get yourself checked out for depression
3) find a testosterone outlet, if his own Dad can't be around, do you have a female pal whose husband might take him along with their own son(s) for the occasional playtime (while you girls enjoy a good gossip) or something like Karate.
4) find a way (ANY way) for him to be with his Dad a bit more often, even if it means visiting Mum-inlaw (that was a good one actually!!)
5) find time to pamper yourself!
6) make him feel needed (getting spiders out of the bath when Dad isn't there?????) as the temporary 'man of the house'.

[Headfry]

Hi Tammy, Sadly I have no children so cant help with experiences, but I can and do send big hugs to you and your family - all of you.
Apart from anything else, it must be exhausting for you.
All my love
Headfry
xx

[di]

How's today? Is he in school? xx

[lizzylemon]

I've been struggling with my little girls temper since the family broke up, and as she's impeccably behaved every where apart from home, everyone found it very hard to put my stories and her public face together. As I was the one who called time on the marriage, I thought that it was my fault and that I 'deserved' to have this behaviour going on.

It came to a head and I called in our local health visitor, who's been brilliant. She now has regular play therapy sessions and I have contact with other parents in similar positions, who 'get' the trials and tribulations of being a single parent, which you are a lot of the time.

The advice from Play Therapy, I was given was to make a 'quality time' pocket each day. Doesnt have to be long, 10 mins even, at a similar time every day and let her lead the play. Sometimes it the dolls house, other times it's catching a snippet of a film. Whatever, it just means she has my undivided attention / physical presence. The temper is subsiding and she no longer bites herself, rips her hair out or smashes her bedroom up (she's only 3). She still gets angry but I now point out how she's feeling so she has a label for it and it's easier for her to deal with. I also acknowledge that it's OK for her to be angry (we all feel that way sometimes so why not little ones) but not OK for the way it is shown. She has a 'angry pillow' which she is allowed to take her aggression out on.

I was also advised, that once the situation had died down, to give her a big hug and tell her I love her no matter what, just not her behaviour. They quite often feel bad about being bad and when we tell them off it compounds that feeling of being unloved / scared and adds to the general situation.

Obviously it's easy for us to give our two pennies worth, and it is an awful situation but it will get better in time and you're not alone either. I hope a way forward is found for all of you.

P.S.
I had post nat depression but didn't know until I had come out the other side, so it is worth looking into. It can happen anywhere up to a year after babies arrive so it can get missed and if you're feeling better, although it wont solve all the problems, you might have more energy and opptimism to deal with the rest.

[Finedon.Dandy]

Such good news for all you good n lovely people

Woke early, felt ok, then was thinking and started to blub as I remebered how yesterday my darling gorgeous boy who I love more than the world had hit someone he should respect. Pulled myself together, ventured onto landing and saw Bluebelle in his room. Apparently she had greeted him with a friendly, positive, talking to and that combined with the hard work of yesterday worked. They both worked as a team, her encouraging him all the way, to get dressed (remembering pants! lol), have breakfast (no sugar coated stuff from now on - so it was bran flakes they chose), cleaned teeth, got lunches ready etc etc. What a difference to our household this morning! - no more arguments, fighting to get him to do things (Bluebelle had done him a list even to remind him what needed to be done) no yelling when he was told soemthing he didnt like or him in a daze having quite forgotten what he was meant to be doing.

We had a slight hickup on the last hurdle when I pointed out he didnt need a spare hat, and it was a sun hat anyways (really must learn to pick my fights with him), but we had a hug (Bluebelle decided a hug was quite a cure all if he was feeling angry) and he got into the car waithout any fuss. He handed in a note (initiated by darling Bluebelle) to the head saying sorry for yesterday and off he went VERY happily into class.

I did have a mild heart palpitation as soon as I got back from my blood test when the phone rang but thank god it was just Di (not the you can ever be "just" lol) checking up I was ok - loves you hun xxxx

The future - The head did mention CAMH to me during our conversation yesterday and it panicked me (as I said to Di) as a year ago when it was mentioned it was very much along the lines of "as a last resort" and we had gone past that and he has been a different child with this new teacher. I had only been told 3/4 days agao he was having behaviour issues at school again and ok I know he lashed out but all of a sudden here we were talking last resorts. I do think more responsibilty would help and I will try to find ways for that to happen. After he had finished his school work yesterday, he helped with the drying up and really enjoyed it so I probally need to channel his energy more. I had been thinking about Karate myself for some time its just finding a class he can get to in this area. He does go to a youth club on a Monday night, which Bluebelle could go to as well but I think its important he has things he does by himself, just like she has her dancing. The both do Brownies/Beavers now too.

Me - I may well be a little down at the mo. I have been suffering with my energy levels very badly since Christmas and went to the docs yesterday where she agreed I need to get my thyroid checked out again. If its fine I will broach the subject of depression but I am pretty certain its my thyroid as I am exhausted, cold, iritable, losing hair, ache in my joints and cant lose weight again. Hypothyroidism is quite often mistaken for depression, in fact thats probaly why it was missed for so long before I was diagnosed.

Thank you so much for all your support - I knew I could count on you all to come through for me - I shall try even harder not to be such a stranger on here. XXXX

[rustylady]

So pleased to hear this update Tammy.

[VirginVegGrower]

Such good news for all you good n lovely people

Me - I may well be a little down at the mo. I have been suffering with my energy levels very badly since Christmas and went to the docs yesterday where she agreed I need to get my thyroid checked out again. If its fine I will broach the subject of depression but I am pretty certain its my thyroid as I am exhausted, cold, iritable, losing hair, ache in my joints and cant lose weight again. Hypothyroidism is quite often mistaken for depression, in fact thats probaly why it was missed for so long before I was diagnosed.

Thank you so much for all your support - I knew I could count on you all to come through for me - I shall try even harder not to be such a stranger on here. XXXX

Please ask the doctor to retest you for your T3 levels, hormone and B12 levels as all of these can give indication of hypothyroidism. Generally they will only test you for T4 levels meaning you can go borderline for years. Depression is another symptom of under active thyroid which can make you feel weepy and exhausted.

I recommend taking the symptom test at Thyroid UK. The site also offers online support and reference.
If things don't appear abnormal in your readings ask for referral to an endocrinologist.
A battle I'm having at the moment.

Hope this helps!

[Finedon.Dandy]

VVG

Please could you post up a link. I have found this;

Do You Have a Thyroid Problem? Take The Thyroid Test

and scored a worrying 30/41!

Its nice to know I have someone around who understands

[Glutton4...]

Hi Tammy, good to 'see' you again! As everyone knows, I don't have kids, but I thought I would send you a big ((((HUG)))), as you obviously need one. I have read the above posts, and just want to say I think there's a lot of really sensible suggestions and comments written above. I have a friend with a 'difficult' Son, and who has discovered that not everyone (including, sadly, their family members) has the time, patience or intelligence to work out how to deal with these issues.

As I said, I don't have kids, so I can't possibly know how difficult it is for you, but I just wanted to wish you well, and tell you that I think you're doing fabulously. Even though I don't know what I'm talking about!