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The new year brings something else for me to deal with.
Not looking for sympathy, however I think I'd feel better if I put it on paper.
I have been married twice and I was married for 25 years for the first time. Not a bad man but so very possesive and such a control freak that in the end I had to walk away from that marriage. Two nervous breakdowns were enough. The third would have seen me put away for good. I am sure of that.
I could not have coped with any more. I did find out later on that mental violence is the same as physical violence....but that does not matter after all these years.
When I divorced him, we parted on reasonably good terms. A few years after the divorce he had a stroke and ended up in a Nursing Home many miles away from where I live and his sons had to deal with looking after him.
In the last few years his health has got steadily worse and much as I have had sometimes one or sometimes 3 phone calls from him in a day because he was getting forgetful, I have not had any cause to be cross with him because I understand taht the stroke damaged his brain as well.
He is now very seriously ill and, of course, I have been visiting him as often as I can. The drive is often 3 hours there and 3 hours back (traffic dependent)
I don't mind doing that because we did have 25 years together and it was not always bad. There was the occassional good day.... and I don't hold any grudges anyway.
All I can say is that I am totally exhausted, punch drunk with tiredness because of the driving and also because of seeing him in the condition he is in, it is not nice to see at all...and all the mental issues I am going thur again. Even though i tell myself that the past is the past, I can't sleep for all the wierd dreams I am having. It's like my brain is on overdrive.
I just keep hoping that he is at a point in his life where he has forgotten the past and that he is only living for the 'now' and that he has some sort of peace. He cannot say anything any more, not much anyway, that makes any sense.
Just that right now, I feel like I'm going thru every emotion I have known and more. Hurting for him and wanting his pain to end.
I am also struggling with my 80 year old Ma to make her understand that he will not get better ubt for some reason she is fixated on the fact that if he eats he will live. I wonder if she is blanking out an end of life situation form her head because she finds it hard to go there.
Guess I will never know but have took her to see him so she can say good buy, took my niece to see him so she can say good-bye.
Not that I want anyone to, but I feel as if whatever I feel, I have to deal with it myself and there is no-one else to sound off to. That's when I thought that I'd post this here just to give me a chance to put it on paper and off-load a bit.
Hope I have not bored anyone by rambling on.
Guess I just need a virtual hug or two.
Not looking for sympathy, however I think I'd feel better if I put it on paper.
I have been married twice and I was married for 25 years for the first time. Not a bad man but so very possesive and such a control freak that in the end I had to walk away from that marriage. Two nervous breakdowns were enough. The third would have seen me put away for good. I am sure of that.
I could not have coped with any more. I did find out later on that mental violence is the same as physical violence....but that does not matter after all these years.
When I divorced him, we parted on reasonably good terms. A few years after the divorce he had a stroke and ended up in a Nursing Home many miles away from where I live and his sons had to deal with looking after him.
In the last few years his health has got steadily worse and much as I have had sometimes one or sometimes 3 phone calls from him in a day because he was getting forgetful, I have not had any cause to be cross with him because I understand taht the stroke damaged his brain as well.
He is now very seriously ill and, of course, I have been visiting him as often as I can. The drive is often 3 hours there and 3 hours back (traffic dependent)
I don't mind doing that because we did have 25 years together and it was not always bad. There was the occassional good day.... and I don't hold any grudges anyway.
All I can say is that I am totally exhausted, punch drunk with tiredness because of the driving and also because of seeing him in the condition he is in, it is not nice to see at all...and all the mental issues I am going thur again. Even though i tell myself that the past is the past, I can't sleep for all the wierd dreams I am having. It's like my brain is on overdrive.
I just keep hoping that he is at a point in his life where he has forgotten the past and that he is only living for the 'now' and that he has some sort of peace. He cannot say anything any more, not much anyway, that makes any sense.
Just that right now, I feel like I'm going thru every emotion I have known and more. Hurting for him and wanting his pain to end.
I am also struggling with my 80 year old Ma to make her understand that he will not get better ubt for some reason she is fixated on the fact that if he eats he will live. I wonder if she is blanking out an end of life situation form her head because she finds it hard to go there.
Guess I will never know but have took her to see him so she can say good buy, took my niece to see him so she can say good-bye.
Not that I want anyone to, but I feel as if whatever I feel, I have to deal with it myself and there is no-one else to sound off to. That's when I thought that I'd post this here just to give me a chance to put it on paper and off-load a bit.
Hope I have not bored anyone by rambling on.
Guess I just need a virtual hug or two.
It is going to be tough for you, for all sorts of reasons, but hopefully soon you can spend some time thinking about yourself, and untangling your head a bit xx (((((hugs)))))
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