not sure what my role is?

[Two_Sheds]

they have been married for 49 years and she does not even know his burial wishes! And has found nothing out about his finances etc... I am a 'doer' and organising is what I do best but before now I have not been welcome and my help has bene rebuffed.

I could have written that.
Mr TS lost his dad a year ago; he did everything financial. MiL didn't know how to do the bills, she didn't have a bank account, didn't know how to use a cash machine.

[Seahorse]

All the advice above is of course good and sensible. However, I think you're completely entitled to your frustration and anger. My mum is in great health and hopefully has many more years in her yet but I really wish she'd make a will and sort out her finances now, while she can make judgements and decisions not clouded by illness or worry. She won't though! I can see it becoming a difficult situation

[Two_Sheds]

how on earth can you be married to someone for 49 years and not find out how they wish to be buried?!

They don't talk about that kind of thing. OH's parents wouldn't talk about his illness; his treatment; his final wishes ... nothing. Meanwhile, we were left guessing what was going on, and getting phone calls out of the blue "he's been rushed in", "he's collapsed" ... we were never actually told (by MiL and FiL) what his prognosis was, and so it was very hard for OH to deal with it, very stressful.
I'm very practical, like you Janey, and I said to him ask the oncologist. If nobody else will tell you what's going on, ask his doctor. He did, and then got flak for it, but at least we then knew where we all stood, and were able to prepare for the end, which everyone else seemed unwilling to consider.

I've never had a conversation about how I'd want to be disposed of, either!

I keep saying I want to be composted, but nobody believes me! I think I'll have to write it down somewhere.
I keep trying to get OH to sort out his will, but he doesn't want to think about "that kind of thing". Like you SL, if he dies I am homeless and penniless because we aren't married.

[veggiechicken]

As the others have said, step back. leave it to MiL to decide what she wants - it is her day and what happens at the funeral will be her choice. Don't put yourself in any position to be criticised after the event.
If you want to be helpful behind the scenes, start now. Find out where the Registrar's office is - and its opening times. Find out who the local undertakers are and have contact numbers ready.
Since Mil is likely to be sole beneficiary, find out about intestacy procedures, probate etc.
Then pass it all to your OH and let him discuss it with MiL. Be there for him as it will be traumatic for him too.
Personal issues should be overlooked at times like this. If you respect your FiL do it for him.
I'd also like to say that we all deal with death, and in particular our own imminent death in different ways. It takes a brave person to plan for their own funeral. Many partners would find it very difficult to ask a dying loved one, how they would like their funeral conducted and, unless you have been in that situation, it is difficult to judge the situation. Don't be too hard on them.

[Potstubsdustbins]

As an only son I know full well some of what you are going through and you have my sincere sympathy.

Because these situations are all so very different except for the stress involved the only good advice I could offer would be, be there for your hubby and for your own sanity let him be the interface with MiL.

Colin

[rustylady]

^^^ Exactly what Colin just said.

[VirginVegGrower]

Luxury of time? Hardly, when he had cancer. They are tired and both ill. As others have said, his estate passes to his wife and upon her death to surviving children. If you push too hard she might think you're after her money. I think it's for your husband to act really. She is his mother.

[lizzylemon]

I suppose I just find it hard to get my head round the fact that they have had the luxury of time to try and sort things, which they have not taken. If it were me in the same situation I wold have made sure there was no added hassle for my family. How can they grieve properly if they have to worry about where to find documents and bank accounts etc? It is going to be far more difficult to help her sort the things that need doing quickly when we have no idea where to start!

My husband is an only child and he will be the one having to sort it, when it all could have been so much easier.
I know I will not be allowed to do anything so therefore the added pressure on him will be enormous.

And how on earth can you be married to someone for 49 years and not find out how they wish to be buried?!

Perhaps you could see the sorting of all this paper work as part of the grieving process. Sadly people dying isn't a neat or easy process even with 'luxury' of time. Going through the paperwork together, whether it be all of you, or just your MIL and OH will be part of the process. It will be a time to talk about him, reflect, rile and sometimes even rage about him and his death. Please part of it, but let them lead you as what help they want or need, and even if they don't want any, you will still be there for your OH.

As for the 'luxury' of time, well most people cant or wont face up to a loved one dying. To start putting ones things in order is accepting that situation and admitting there is no alternative - not something anyone wants to do when faced with death. My family refused to believe the doctors when they were told my beloved Grandma was dying of lung cancer, and the only person who asked her what her final wishes were, was me. My family, in their infinite wisdom, chose to ignore her final wishes as they did not fit with what her old wishes had been, so now her body is buried to next a man she despised, in place she had no wish to be. Luckily we both believe spirit is transient and now resides firmly in my heart so it's not all bad

[janeyo]

Nobody said he should have planned his own funeral, but maybe making sure your next-of kin is informed of your bank accounts, pensions, insurances, direct debits etc... might be a useful thng to do if you have been told you have terminal cancer. Oh, and not leaving all your information on your pc and passwording without telling anyone 'safe'it might be helpful too. (luckily mr janeyo is a pc whizz so has cracked it but it took him all day)

He did have time to sort some basic things, he was not 'ill' with the cancer the only symptom (until getting the bowel blockage a fortnight ago), was weight-loss.

He died on Tuesday late at night. Thankfully his wife was with him and it was peaceful, although there is now to be an autopsy in case the operation to unblock the bowel caused the bowel to rupture.

I immediately phoned my parents who came to baby sit as there was no way I was letting my husband make this journey on his own in the middle of the night after spending 3 days at the bedside, he was exhausted. So we went and fetched his mum and brought her home and settled her with her now permanent oxygen. She did not even once look in my direction, pretended instead that I wasn't there despite her sitting next to me in the front of the car!

I am there to support him, in any way I can. I feel so sorry for him having to deal with it all on his own as she won't allow me to help, and she is not well enough to do anything herself.

[julesapple]

It's probably awful for you too at present, but hang on in there for MrJ. Do as much as you can for him, offer your help to your MinL - if she ignores you or says no, then you know you've offered and that's all you can do if she won't let you help her. Don't let her get to you for your husband's sake, as difficult as that might be. In your heart you will know you've done what you can, and tried your best, so your conscience will be clear.

Your husband won't be on his own, he's got you to talk things through with, to be there for moral and physical support.

Jules

[Hilary B]

Janey, if moaning about her HERE helps you to NOT moan about her where it might hurt someone, keep it up! If it just helps YOU, then carry on moaning. I know that sometimes a good moan about things is exactly what one needs.
All you can do is be there for OH while he is being there for her (and doing some of the necessary stuff when she isn't looking, to save him having to do QUITE all of it), just stick in there and bring your troubles to the friends who are willing to lend an ear!

[rustylady]

I am there to support him, in any way I can. I feel so sorry for him having to deal with it all on his own as she won't allow me to help, and she is not well enough to do anything herself.

She doesn't need to know that you are helping, if you and your OH do it between yourselves when she's not around. Let him act as a buffer between the two of you, and be there to support him.

[Chef_uk]

The poor bloke

When my dad died last year he left no will, had no funeral arrangements and no estate. As next of kin I had to sort everything out. The majority of paperwork was done within 3 months but even now as I approach his first year we still get the odd piece for example some tax (estimate £25) "might" be due back to the estate came last week. Coming online reading up helped me out loads though as i hadn't a clue what needed to be done. The funeral parlour gave me a great deal of advice on what i had to do sooner rather than later. Speaking to his bank was the first priority. Once thats done things sort of roll after each other. This of course has to be done by the Administrator and to do that someone will have to apply for a Grant of Letters of Administration. This will have to be the MIL as she is surviving Spouse although might be able to refuse to do so and let the son do it, not too sure but here's the brief:

As no will exists, there will be no Executors and therefore the task of administering the estate will be undertaken by the Administrator. An order of priority exists as to who can apply for a grant of representation which is as follows:-

Husband, wife or civil partner
Sons or Daughters, or their children
Parents
Sisters or Brothers
Grandparents
Uncles or Aunts

1. If there is a surviving spouse and no children the wife gets everything. 2. If there are children, the surviving spouse gets the property, £125,000 and a life interest in half the remainder. The children get the other half immediately, but have to wait until the death of the surviving spouse before getting the outstanding half.

As for being at the funeral, if he would have wanted/wouldn't have minded you there, then go. That's all that matters. Just been to my cousin's funeral today and again there is no will but he was young. He came in to a lot of money 18 months ago when his mum died and it was split between him and his sister so now there's his half lying interstate. Its already getting messy as my other cousins, his half siblings from a different mum are getting involved. We want to say something to our Uncle but its not our place. We can only be there for him and hope he realises what's going on. Funerals can be as messy as divorces sometimes.

[Two_Sheds]

We really need to have finance classes in our high school education. As a nation we're basically financially illiterate and make poor choices. We don't understand compound interest, or interest rates ...


... but maybe that's how The Govt and The City want it, so they can control us

[boosmummy]

Janey, this is the first time ive checked back with this thread, im so sorry to hear that he has died and i hope your all ok xx