not sure what my role is?

[janeyo]

A bit heavy so my apologies....

As a few of you will remember I have serious issues with my m-in-law.
Her husband was diagnosed with terminal bowel cancer last august (terminal as chemo and operating were ruled out due to his other health issues).
He was told a 'ball park' life expectancy of 2 years.

To cut a long story short he has been in hospital all week with a blocked bowel (an inevitable side effect I am told), they tried to put a stent in to unblock it, but this has ruptured the bowel. He now has a perforated bowel which of course cannot be treated due to the other health issues, and after spending 2 days at the hospitla with him on diamorphine and being administered the 'liverpool care pathway', the call came this morning that he is deteriorating and to get there asap. Which he has done and taken his mother too. I think she is in shock as it has only been 6 months and not 2 years!
She has serious health issues of her own (chronic lung disease and cannot look after herself and relies on oxygen to even go to the loo).
I have been pushing since the diagnosis for them to get their finances in order etc as he does everything in this area.

Turns out they have done nothing to sort anything, they have been married for 49 years and she does not even know his burial wishes! And has found nothing out about his finances etc... and now he is not coherent enough to speak. And they have had months to sort things! He has no will and all finances are in his name.

I have no idea how to deal with this situation now - I am a 'doer' and organising is what I do best but before now I have not been welcome and my help has bene rebuffed. I know certain things have to happen quickly when someone dies and am really struggling to know what I can do best to help. I can't have her shouting at me again and don't even know if I will be welcome at the funeral (have had no issues with him so would like to go).

I also have no idea how she is going to manage on her own..... and what will happen there. It's a nightmare. I am so cross to think that so many people do not have the luxury to get their lives in order etc and they have squandered their time.

HELP!!!

sorry for the essay - had to get it off my chest

[Alison]

I understand it's a difficult situation but different people deal with things in different ways and it's not fair to critisie them for being different. It sounds like you feel most comfortable with things being just so and very organised which would certainly make things simpler now. However, to say that they have squandered their time isn't really fair. It may have been too hard on them to consider these things, especially when they thought they had more time. Don't be too hard on her, it can't be easy and sometimes when somebody is emotional or upset somebody else's very genuine offer of help can be seen as bossy or interfering (not that this is what you would mean). My mother can come over like this and it winds me up something rotten and makes me far less likely to do something. I know that she doesn't mean anything by it but that doesn't make any difference and I don't think she will change now. Maybe you could just ask her if she wants you to do something rather than telling her something needs doing and perhaps tell her that you always liked and respected (if this is the case) your FIL, show some support and maybe you can get through this OK. Not an easy situation but one where tongues will need to be bitten on both sides.

[janeyo]

I suppose I just find it hard to get my head round the fact that they have had the luxury of time to try and sort things, which they have not taken. If it were me in the same situation I wold have made sure there was no added hassle for my family. How can they grieve properly if they have to worry about where to find documents and bank accounts etc? It is going to be far more difficult to help her sort the things that need doing quickly when we have no idea where to start!

My husband is an only child and he will be the one having to sort it, when it all could have been so much easier.
I know I will not be allowed to do anything so therefore the added pressure on him will be enormous.

And how on earth can you be married to someone for 49 years and not find out how they wish to be buried?!

[shobhna]

Janeyo,
I totally understand what you mean because I too am a doer and an organiser so like things to be in place. It took me 4 years of nagging to get my Ma to make a will. She thought that a letter left in her dressing tabel drawer would suffice instead of a will. Now I am trying to get her to agree to a Power of Attorney (only for her financila stuff) because I take care of it all and can produce complete book keeping to show my brothers that I am not taking anything for myself. Ma won't agree to it only because it will cost money to do the POA..

I'm also facing a stiuation with my ex. who has just recently died and I worry that his affairs might not be in order ( I divorced him nearly 10 years ago) and his sons are taking care of 'stuff' and I know that I have not been the 'flavour of the month' for a long time now. I'm having to be very patient.

All I can say is hang in there. Offer help and try not to be hurt if it is rejected. After all, in these situations, things will get sorted but it will cost a lot of money and time. Just be there for whoever needs you the most without expecting anything back from them.

[boosmummy]

A bit heavy so my apologies....

As a few of you will remember I have serious issues with my m-in-law.
Her husband was diagnosed with terminal bowel cancer last august (terminal as chemo and operating were ruled out due to his other health issues).
He was told a 'ball park' life expectancy of 2 years.

To cut a long story short he has been in hospital all week with a blocked bowel (an inevitable side effect I am told), they tried to put a stent in to unblock it, but this has ruptured the bowel. He now has a perforated bowel which of course cannot be treated due to the other health issues, and after spending 2 days at the hospitla with him on diamorphine and being administered the 'liverpool care pathway', the call came this morning that he is deteriorating and to get there asap. Which he has done and taken his mother too. I think she is in shock as it has only been 6 months and not 2 years!
She has serious health issues of her own (chronic lung disease and cannot look after herself and relies on oxygen to even go to the loo).
I have been pushing since the diagnosis for them to get their finances in order etc as he does everything in this area.

Turns out they have done nothing to sort anything, they have been married for 49 years and she does not even know his burial wishes! And has found nothing out about his finances etc... and now he is not coherent enough to speak. And they have had months to sort things! He has no will and all finances are in his name.

I have no idea how to deal with this situation now - I am a 'doer' and organising is what I do best but before now I have not been welcome and my help has bene rebuffed. I know certain things have to happen quickly when someone dies and am really struggling to know what I can do best to help. I can't have her shouting at me again and don't even know if I will be welcome at the funeral (have had no issues with him so would like to go).

I also have no idea how she is going to manage on her own..... and what will happen there. It's a nightmare. I am so cross to think that so many people do not have the luxury to get their lives in order etc and they have squandered their time.

HELP!!!

sorry for the essay - had to get it off my chest

I've been going through similar emotional situations with my mil and fil for the past 5 years, thankfully they did get their finances sorted so that was a weight off our shoulders.

However, i think, and i know how hard it is, as much as you are a 'do-er' you have to just roll with it, and their wishes, people plan their end of lives out different to others - you might find after the trauma that your mil is going through she will plan her end of life differently so its easier on everyone, but right now you just have to go with the flow.

If you ever need to talk or if you are up in liverpool and just need a 'time out' im not far away i can come across and have a coffee with you. The main thing is, to be there for your husband, he's going to feel like he has to be there for everyone and do everything - and unless he has siblings be prepared that you both might end up doing everything (like we did when my mil passed) because your mil might not be in any state to cope with it all.

Stay strong xx

[boosmummy]

I suppose I just find it hard to get my head round the fact that they have had the luxury of time to try and sort things, which they have not taken. If it were me in the same situation I wold have made sure there was no added hassle for my family. How can they grieve properly if they have to worry about where to find documents and bank accounts etc? It is going to be far more difficult to help her sort the things that need doing quickly when we have no idea where to start!

My husband is an only child and he will be the one having to sort it, when it all could have been so much easier.
I know I will not be allowed to do anything so therefore the added pressure on him will be enormous.

And how on earth can you be married to someone for 49 years and not find out how they wish to be buried?!

sorry i didnt see this post, until i posted my one above. What do you mean you wont be allowed to do anything? Who wont allow you? You have to grieve too xx

[cardiffsteve]

You can only give support to MiL and tell her you will help as much or as little as she wants.

As for what to do after FiL passes I found this very useful after my friends father died recently.

Death and bereavement : Directgov - Government, citizens and rights

As for MiLs health maybe you could speak to AgeUK for advice

[bearded bloke]

As Shobna says ..............

Just be there for whoever needs you

[julesapple]

Janey, just quickly; if your FinL passes away everything he has will be left to your MinL if he dies intestate (looking likely). When the time comes and your MinL goes to join him, her estate (unless she writes a will to the contrary) will go directly to your husband as an only child. He can, of course, follow any verbal wishes your MinL has left if he feels he wants to.

As far as any funerals are concerned, I would go to support my husband through the ordeal, if I didn't much care for my in laws (I don't and it's mutual). It sounds as if your MinL might leave everything to her son to sort out (and he can delegate to you so that's it's easier for him to cope) as I think your MinL might be in shock if they are unprepared.

I understand your frustration - we couldn't get either set of my grandparents to write a will (it was tempting fate as they saw it) and this caused huge rifts with my uncles & aunts on both sides, and despite all of that, we are now fighting to get my parents to write a will as their house is in my brother's name and, should anything happen to the APs he will undoubtedly do the dirty on my sister and I. And anything we do or suggest is seen as greed....

Jules

[morverngirl]

Your parents in law are from a different generation where women didn't deal with financial issues and they did think they probably had another 18 months together. Support and be there for your husband and be generous enough to offer support to MIL, it's up to her whether she takes it.Although you are a do'er some people can't deal with being organised and switch off, what does MIL want.

[weekendwellies]

Hard as it may seem, you need to take a step back, be there to support your husband and his mum emotionally, offer your support in any practical matters, it is up to them whether or not they take you up on it. this is their time. funerals are more for the ones left behind than the one who is departed so let them choose what they want and how they want it. funeral directors are very accommodating, they have seen it all from large families who want a big bash to two relatives who just want the whole thing done quickly and quietly. Financially, even though he has left no will, providing the estate is not enormous inheritance tax should not be a problem, the wife is the beneficiary. You can hire a solicitor to sort this stuff out or do it yourself, the banks, building societies etc are also very accommodating in arranging everything. I had it all when my ex passed away, even though we were no longer together, we never got divorced so I was the beneficiary. I did some myself and got a solicitor to do the bits I was having trouble with. Mine was complicated a bit by our circumstances and the fact that his son from previous marriage registered the death, that was the only reason I had trouble with some agencies.

[di]

Hey, firstly, sorry for your situation.

As others have said, try to understand that we all deal with life and death in different ways. I'm afraid i'd probably be just like your in laws, I'd 'want' to get everything sorted and wouldn't wish to leave a mess for family to pick up but I also think I'd keep putting it off. I'd prefer to pretend 'that day' wasn't actually going to happen so why sort for it.

From what you've said, it seems you're going to have to take a back seat on this one, if your relationship with mil has never been good, then I'd think that now really isn't the time to push yourself onto her (I know you've not suggested you would), on the other hand, going through what she is, could bring you closer together. However it pans out, try not to let it get you down too much.

[SlugLobber]

Can't really add to the advice, but I sympathise with people not making wills.

My MIL does all the finances and has always been in poor health, so I shudder to think of the effects of her death - she takes care of all my OH's finances (including this house!) as she's so controlling. I'm effectively homeless if he died tomorrow, as it'll revert to his mother, since he has no will. We've lost quite a few friends and acquaintances over the past few months, most of them younger than us.

Hope the situation pans out ok. As Jules says, it'll all go to her and then her son, if there is no will. It's for people who aren't a blood relation/1st degree relatives that it gets complicated.

Oh and I've never had a conversation about how I'd want to be disposed of, either! My view is that it doesn't matter - I won't be around to see it! As long as I don't get put out on the bird table in bits, I'll be happy.

[Hilary B]

You ask what your role is... I'd say to support your OH in whatever role HE has. That is really all you can do.
When people know they have 'a little time' thinking they can 'organise later' is not rare, nor is the sudden discovery that there is no more time. Just help your OH handle whatever has to be done, and offer whatever comfort he will accept (not everyone wants hugs when stressed) as he copes with all the things that have to be sorted out.
Oh, and when it gets you down (as it will) come and seek some sympathetic ears on here!

[taff]

I'd just leave it unles you are asked to help. If you really want to, you can offer help, but it may be she's waiting for her only son to step up and sort her out, in which case, let him or help him when she's not looking.

You can't manage people, you have to let them manage themselves in their own time, no matter if it's not what you personally would do. Take a deep breath and step away.