not sure what my role is?

[buzzingtalk]

Your role is...be there if they need you. Only intervene, even if just with words, if you feel someone will get hurt or stressed. It must be awful watching this all happen, and I can see where you are coming from, (my OH is exceptionally UNorganized, whereas I am; it is a daily battle meeting in the middle!) but some people might not think of these things. I have never spoke about 'death' and what I want, I find it generally quite morbid and almost taboo. Even when faced with very ill health and possibility of death, I did not think once about what happens after. And neither did I when my mum got cancer (she is better now though, yay!). I guess for some people we just don't think about what happens after, it might be too much or it might just be that they aren't that organized!

Either way, thoughts are with you all at this difficult time. x

[buzzingtalk]

Other thing is, people find it hard to accept help. i work in care, and we face 'awkward' people who do not want your help, but need it. It is incredibly hard to find the right balance, and MIL will be struggling both with losing her life partner but also with her own health and mortality; death has a funny way of reminding us of our purpose and time on this piece of rock is all borrowed and finite. I hope she comes round to you; you sound like someone she will really need in future months and years, as no doubt she is very lonley and will need a lot of support. She may need some time, and like others have said, don't feel bad that she won't accept help, and don't be angry either. Help in ways you can - with your OH. It sounds like he will be one of the main people caring for her, and the best you can do is ensure he has enough energy, support and love to get himself and the mil through this testing time.

RIP x

[di]

Sorry about you fil, Janey.

As for the funeral, i don't know what your thoughts are now but I'm guessing it's possible that whatever you do could be viewed as wrong. I think you should go, be there for your OH, fil and you. Short term, it might be easier to just stay home, long term it could be a decision you regret forever.

Love. xx

[janeyo]

ok, a quick update. The funeral is next tuesday a whole fortnight after he died. M-in law is a bit upset as she imagines that all the long lost rellies that she has unearthed will want to look at the body, but they have had to seal it up due to the passing of time (if you see what I mean).

I wasn't expected to go apparantly, but I am going. I am not welcome in the limo becase she wants to put some distant relations that nobody has seen for years in there instead. I will get there somehow. My parents are going, and they can take me and bring me back.

I went with hubby to register the death yesterday as did not think he should do this alone. He did not tell his mum I was going with him and he then had to take her to the funeral directors. So I had to 'hide' round their town for 3 hours (shops were shutting but luckily the library was open!). He did not tell her I was there in case it upset her! Unreal. It's not nice to feel like a pariah!

[julesapple]

Janey, you aren't the pariah, you haven't done anything. But what you are doing is all good.

Jules

[Hilary B]

Jane, it is quite obvious why you need to have a good moan about it, often, just do that here where it won't upset anyone, and all will be well!
It's hell when you want to help, and know that it will only cause upset. Just bend OUR ears with it all, that is what friends are for.

[The Reverend]

In a very awkward situation like this, the only little bit of advice i can give is, maybe the strong person could try to be a little weaker and the weak person could try to be a little stronger, and this is for no other reason than to try and protect the one in the middle that will be pulled both ways.

[Seahorse]

I think your Mil's actions are forgiveable (if not nice). She's ill herself and grieving, I guess many of us would go a bit funny in those circs. I presume your OH thinks he's trying to not make things any worse for her but he seems to have picked an odd way of going about it He's very lucky to have someone as supportive and understanding as you x