Need to Let Off Steam....

[julesapple]

.....and I'm not sure this fits into the Minor Rant thread.

We went to the doctors this morning, a good long double appointment. Earlier this week the DSN told the BH that she didn't think he was a diabetic, but we have confirmed with the GP that he is - relief at getting that clarified.

So, the next thing was his memory problems. This could be caused by many things, and the GP has ordered every blood test under the sun to get to the bottom of it, including the thyroid tests that I had to fight for seven years to get (so my annoyance is simmering at that...just like that for him, but I had to really struggle) And then she asks him how he's feeling mentally; is he depressed, how does he feel about his life, why did he write about feelings of hopelessness on the diabetic survey he did with the DSN? (what survey? he didn't tell me about that) Why did he say he wasn't happy at home? (why hasn't he told me, his wife of nearly 30 years?) Has he thought about harming himself or others? Yes, he admits to wanting to lash out at me occasionally but only because I'm nearest (I have no idea at all how to react to that, I'm still stunned and feeling like I want to stay away from him)

Next the nurse takes him to a quiet room to do something called a Mini Mental test - presumably for signs of Alzheimer's or similar, and whilst they're gone the doctor talks to me; Have I noticed he's depressed? Yes, on occasion, but we both get like that from time to time - we aren't smiley all the time. Has he ever hit me? No, he knows I'd retaliate if he did, wise move or not. Does he shout? No, never, he goes very quiet.

Then the GP starts asking me if I goad him, if I do things on purpose to upset him - no, neither of us are confrontational, I would never upset anybody on purpose, let alone my nearest and dearest. Do I nag him to do jobs or to do other things? No, I do almost everything for him although I try to encourage him to be active.

Why have I not noticed he's depressed? Because he's never shown any signs of being depressed, if I ask him if he's ok he'll say yes. But you must notice, you suffer depression yourself? Yes, I do, and he could hide it from me as well as I do from him. If he thought I was depressed, he would be too and that's no good.

So, he shoulders all of the financial burdens, bill paying, managing money etc? WHAT? No, he doesn't, he can't even remember his own ATM number let alone remember to pay bills, I do all of that. He can't even go shopping by himself because he forgets what we need and he's frightened he will fall and hurt himself, not being too steady on his feet. Not wanting to appear useless, it seems he has told the diabetic nurse that he's responsible for the financial side of things.

The mini mental test thingy shows memory deficiencies but not signs of early dementia, thankfully. But the GP wants us back in there in a fortnight after the bloods on Monday.

I've come out of there feeling like I've been run over, but the BH is his 'usual' self. I wonder why he didn't tell me anything and I feel like I'm looking at a stranger I don't know. I hope and pray that all of these symptoms (depression, tiredness, no libido, memory problems, etc.) are all down to something that can be fixed, like the B12 deficiency the nurse mentioned, or a low testosterone level, and not something mental or something physical that cannot be fixed.

I also feel that I am to blame in some way, for not noticing or preventing the cause. It did seem like the GP was pointing the finger at me, silly though that may sound.

ok, rant over, going for tissues. Thanks for listening.

Jules

[Bigmallly]

Oh dear Jules, that's not a minor rant, it's a sad and difficult situation you are in. How are you supposed to recognise symptoms, you are not the doctor. I really don't know what to say only that I hope your BH's problems can be sorted with medication & is not a psychological problem as you may fear. Good luck to you both & you did right by posting the thread, it always helps to talk, even if it is to strangers.

[alldigging]

Listened.

Sounds stressful and unfair of the GP to try and blame or make you shoulder any blame.

Depression is usually well hidden from people even those close - that's why they have specific questionnaires to probe people to find out if they are depressed.

Stress can cause all those symptoms and more - and sometimes that's as hard to solve as anything else. A good GP will pursue the cause and ensure fast treatment.

You sound like you've been doing everything and more than can be expected to you.

[Jeanied]

The chemical balances in the body are so finely tuned that the drop in one level or another can trigger all sorts of problems. It takes a gifted GP to navigate through the different possible causes and probabilities, and it sounds like your GP was a little tactless in their approach. But at least it is being looked into. My depression has improved no end with medication, but a recent setback has made them re-evaluate my bloods and hormones and it seems I am low on some key areas so it is back to the drawing board again.

I hope things get sorted soon for you Jules, and you remember to look after yourself as well as your OH. It sounds like you have done everything you can - so go easy on yourself and remember 'good enough' is just that!

[taff]

You're not psychic, anyone can hide being depressed, and if you've been together a while, you do stop telling each other the whole truth out of concern for the other peorsons feelings.
You could ask him exactly what is he not happy at home with, it doesn't necessarily mean he isnt happy with you, just that he can't talk to you about it. Everyone has feelings of hopelessness at some time, it's normal if you're in a situation where you dont know whats wrong, or whether things will improve, or what. I've had them, my partners had them...we both had physial ailments that stopped us doing the things we love, so of course hopelessness and depression are side effects.
And they have to ask you these things to get a fuller picture of possible causes, so now you can be happy they've ruled you out
He's not a stranger, he's the same....

[Florence Fennel]

Jules don't feel betrayed. He could have been severely depressed or giving answers he thought he should to the diabetic survey with the nurse, particularly if one of the illusions he is under is that he has responsibility for your finances and is therefore still functioning normally, when he clearly isn't. I too agree that the GP has not been very tactful in the handling of this. You've had a really tough time of it lately, don't beat yourself up about this one.

[veggiechicken]

Dear Jules, Don't blame yourself or your BH for what has happened today. Sometimes your nearest and dearest are the last ones you can tell your troubles to - because you love them so much you don't want to burden them with your problems. Maybe both of you have been doing this, protecting each other from your negative thoughts. Its not easy to overcome this but these things are out in the open now. Gently perhaps, you can start to talk to each other about how you've been affected and try to regain a mutual understanding of each other's concerns.
I don't know either of you so it is difficult to say the right things - so if I've said anything to cause you further distress, ignore me!
We're here for you, we can listen, not be judgemental and will support you in any way we can. Offload on us whenever you feel the need.xxx

[Moo's Mum]

Jules, it sounds like you have had a dreadfully distressing morning and my heart goes out to you. I am certainly no expert, but I do know the one thing you shouldn't be doing is blaming yourself. I agree with what everyone else has said above me, sometimes you dont tell those closest to you what's going on or how you're feeling in order to protect them. Also I do think that especially with a lot of chaps, they like to be perceived as being in control. Perhaps that's why he told the nurse what he did?
You have done the right thing in trying to let off steam and very often talking to strangers is the better option as they have no pre-conceived ideas of you and your BH. I tend to write everything down on paper if I'm angry/upset etc, even though it ends up a jumbled up and scrawly mess. You have to vent these feelings. Take care and remember we are all here to listen x x x

[dominic10]

The symptoms you describe "depression, tiredness, no libido, memory problems, etc." can all be linked to the effects of diabetes. If you look at Diabetes UK you will find a mine of information. I think the effects of extreme tiredness and lack of energy are very misunderstood. My OH has been a type 2 diabetic for 9 years now and under control with tablets and diet. I say under control because when he overdoes things he gets really grumpy which is a personality change. His energy levels can fluctuate dramatically at times and can be linked to low blood sugar levels at times. Obviously I don't know you or your situation but managing diabetes and its effects can be pretty tricky - its all about balance but there is lots of advice out there. If you have a GP who is willing to explore things further try and hold in there as there may be other factors involved. Tactless or not - not all GPs would make the effort.

[cardiffsteve]

Hi Jules

As I'm sure you are aware being an inteligent person that type 2 diabetes can cause a lot of the symptoms that your hubby has, depression, tiredness, loss of libido etc.
Also the depression can cause the same symptoms.
I wouldnt blame yourself for not noticing how your OH has been feeling maybe he didnt want to burden you anymore than you already have been.
The first time my BH realised that I was depressed was when a neighbours husband thought I was having an affair with his wife because I was at their house a lot. I wasnt having an affair i was just talking to her, as at the time I felt I couldnt talk to my BH.
Now that it is out in the open you can both get help, whether its through the NHS or through charities like Mind or Depression Alliance. And with the correct medication and help I'm sure you will both be feeling a lot better.
I send you both best wishes and hope that you BOTH are happy and well soon.

Take care

Steve

[cardiffsteve]

Dominic10 you must have read my thoughts.

And as VC and others have said come on the vine have a rant, offload.
The grapes are a good bunch of people they wont mind, I mean they put up with me.
They also have a lot of collective knowledge about lots of subjects.

There will always be someone to help, shout at and have a laugh with.

[Moo's Mum]

Jules, on netdoctor, there is a piece on pernicious anaemia that is interesting and maybe of some help. x

[julesapple]

Thanks everyone, it has been a pretty carp day. The doctor has phoned to say that she has booked the BH in for a brain scan.

I'm trying to reason with myself, and I know logically that they are covering every possible angle (and I am extremely grateful) but my imagination is running riot and I can feel my own depression trying to get a foothold. I can usually manage my dark patches, but this time I can't, so I shall make an appointment to see the doctor myself. The combination of hormonal screw up and depression is a bit too much today.

The Bh has told me that he did a 27 question survey on Monday with the DSN and she pronounced him fine. He said that, sometimes he does feel hopeless about his situation, and sad that our life isn't what he wanted for us which makes him feel a failure, but that he doesn't think he's depressed, just a normal human being with ups and downs like everyone has. I can understand all that, and it isn't news to me.

He is concerned that the doctor is reading too much into it, and he's cynical about the surgery wanting him registered as depressive because they claim a lot of extra funding, as they do for diabetes. He is also worried that they will convince him that he is depressed and that this morning, he felt like they were trying to put thoughts into his head that weren't there before. I am still very worried about the physical side of things but despite him saying that, I don't believe he ever would hit me. I do wonder if the GP thinks that the BH doesn't know his own mind because of the confusion. He knows he doesn't run anything in the household, and as I said, he didn't want to appear lazy or stupid to the nurse.

Dominic, both of us are registered members at Diabetes.co.uk as opposed to the other diabetes uk site, and it's fabulous, literally a life saver. Without their information there's no way we could have the excellent control we do have over the T2 by eating low carb. BH's daily average BG level is 4.6mmol and his HbA1c from last week is 5.7mmol. The doctor has told him to stop taking the one tablet of Metformin from today as a) he no longer needs it, and b) it can exacerbate the symptoms of B12 deficiency and stop what B12 you have from being absorbed into your body, causing mental confusion. I've had him taking 1000 mcg of vitamin B-12 fortified with 400 mcg of folic acid ever since the DSN mentioned B12 deficiency, but he may not be absorbing most of it because of the Metformin. Today feels like we cracked the Diabetes nut, so here's a bigger challenge......

It will be two weeks Monday before we find anything out. I reckon I'll be completely mentally trashed by then. Someone pass me the Meddyginiaeth Llysieuol......and can I have some headology too?

Did I say thank you to everyone? ****Thanks****

[Florence Fennel]

Do you want ice and a slice with that Jules?

[veggiechicken]

Look after yourself too, Jules. I'm sure someone in the Wood will brew you a potion to help you through the next couple of weeks. You've worked wonders already on the Diabetes front, if you can both do that, working together, you can achieve whatever else its takes to see you through. Thinking of you both.