Once upon a Grape - DIY Fiction

[mothhawk]

".....age spiritualists."

"If anyone starts farming snails near my patch, they'll get my rake shoved where the sun don't shine" announced Harry in a surly tone. "As if we don't have enough English snails eating everything in sight, without the Europeans offloading theirs. What's wrong with cockles and whelks, anyway? Twice as tasty and don't devastate crops, and if...."

[lottie dolly]

and if WHAT,said agnes,just keep yer shirt on man,who said anything about farming the things,ther's loads of em around this year,thought your'd be pleased to get rid of some,your just jelouse of my idea,aint yar.......

[veggiechicken]

"Calm down, Agnes" said Billy, as he knew what Agnes could do when she lost her temper - and its wasn't a pretty sight! "Remember when we was young 'uns and went to the seaside? - We'd buy a tub of cockles or whelks with vinegar? Them were the days......

[lottie dolly]

'''my friend we thought theyed never end,they were the days yadayada.yADADA YADADRRRRRR TRILLED AGNESS.......

[veggiechicken]

Billy reached down and pick his biggest and best strawberry and without wasting a second, shoved it into Agnes' open mouth. "Get your gums stuck into that, Aggie and give us a bit of peace for once". Harry...........

[lottie dolly]

.....being the gent,took billy aside for a talking to concerning his verbal attack on agnes,as it was no way to talk to a lady,poor aggi seems to get the worst from most people,first the teeth,now a strawberry they should have been washed first,

[veggiechicken]

Aggie, however, took it as a compliment that Billy had given her his prize strawberry - "Oooh Billy, That was truly delumptious" she cooed "now let me see what I can offer you in return" and she set off......

[Feral007]

....to find the biggest snails she could, some garlic to make a sauce out of, and a papercup so they could pretend they were still young.............unfortunately Aggie has the attention of a gnat and got side tracked rather easily by..........................Jerry crying in the parsnips.

[Tripmeup]

With his trousers round his ankles..."No, its no good, the soil isn't warm enough yet for a second sowing", he sobbed..."Jerry, put your trousers on and come back over here" said Agnes....I want you to...

[Feral007]

Help me measure up for a new blowaway and a couple of stayputs. Maybe even a couple of move-arounds, and dance-this-ways if you're a good lad with the tape measure.
Jerry came along willingly, he was always an amenable lad, and since the coppers had taken the posh lady into custody he had plenty of time to fill. When Aggie entered the shed to retrieve the tapemeasure she felt a sharp crack on her head and as she wilted to the ground (technical gardeners term) she saw.........

[veggiechicken]

.....stars, lots of them, enough to make a Milky Way ......but what about the Mars bar wrapper on the floor? There appeared to be something written on it...........

[mothhawk]

"Oy!! What are you doing in my shed?" came a cross voice, "And mind your head on the watering can hanging up in there, and who's eaten me Mars bar? And why....."

[veggiechicken]

....is the Posh lady's bloke following you. She won't be 'appy when she 'ears - although it won't be the first time that...........

[Feral007]

she's left him behind and he's taken up with someone else. He's a bloke wot likes to be told wot to do 'e is. Can't imagine why........ Billy and Harry thought Jerry could probably do with some 'blokey lessons' to toughen him up, so they prised him away from Aggie (whose head was still ringing like church bells) and took him off to t' greenhouse to teach him a few manly ways.

[veggiechicken]

...They started by showing him how to tell the difference between a male and a female cucumber flower........