Am I Being Fair?

[Patchninja]

Just a thought - when I first left home, I couldn't afford a flat, so I lived in a shared house. That must still exist, surely. It was one person's turn to do the shopping (money went into a kitty) and cooking for the whole house, each in turn, someone else did the washing up, there was a cleaning rota for the general rooms in the house and all the bills were split. Might that be a possibility?

[quark1]

Well that's a start Jules.

As I came away from my comments it occurred to me that rather than being unfair - it would almost be unfair NOT to teach our sons and daughters about the true cost of living - it'd be a hell of a wake-up call if/when they struck out on their own if they were unprepared - and you know who they'd blame for not teaching them........I'll strike out 2 of the usual 3 guesses allowed!

In my book it comes along with discipline and many other parental duties which are not always pleasant but very essential.

Good luck and hope you're feeling a bit more chipper soon.

[taff]

My current MIL never taught her kids anything. She professes to love them, and I don't know what it's like because I've never had them, so she tells me. No, I don't know what it's like because I never wanted them, but I do know that she did her sons no favours at all by not teaching them repsonsibility, and she's now paying the price for it.
You don't want to end up disliked by your own kids because you're not a person to them, you're just a cash cow.

[veggiechicken]

Good to hear that things may be improving with your daughter. If things get rough again why don't you print off all of the replies here for her to read - that might open her eyes a bit!!

[Andromeda]

I'm glad things are improving and I hope they continue to do so.


I think the only part of this in which you've been unfair is putting her boyfriend on the spot/hauling him into the matter.

It does sound as if she's having a reaction (albeit a poor one) to her plans coming crashing down around her, I have a couple of cousins who have had similar reactions for the same reasons - their parents found that having an Aunt/Uncle they were particularly close to sit down with them and discuss their behaviour was more productive then pursuing it on their own. Someone that litttle bit removed can be easier to talk to sometimes.

Contributions to the household can be a tricky issue, I think every possible way of dealing with it had been tried in my family with the outcome varying from perfect to disastrous.

[Two_Sheds]

I lived in a shared house. .. It was one person's turn to do the shopping ...and cooking for the whole house, each in turn, someone else did the washing up, there was a cleaning rota....

See, that's how I think the family home should be run. It shouldn't just be muggins doing all the chores and everything

[susieq100]

When my boys were young teenagers I insisted that they help around the house. They hated it and whinged constantly .... at one point they would deliberately wash up very badly indeed, in the hope that they would not be asked to do it again. However, I would stand next to each at the sink and 'coach' them. I also ironed their clothes very badly - tramlines down the trouser creases etc - they soon realised that it was easier to comply with my requests. The result is now 2 adult males who are good cooks, who can look after themselves in every respect and with whom I have a lovely relationship. No 1 son did say in his speech when he got married last year and I paraphrase " And you did always know best Mum". You have to grit your teeth and not give in when they whinge!

[julesapple]

My kids can all cook, they all know how to use the washing machine, the drier, the iron and the lawn mower. The boys will do all of these things unasked - the youngest will pull a face, but he will do whatever you ask. The DD has to be nagged constantly and she does things like Susie's boys but to no avail. Things started to go wrong when she started Uni - she was still living at home - and we asked for keep when her student loans came in thrice yearly. Each time she had to give us £700 (no use asking for weekly payments cos she'd have spent it on other things) but she decided that, as she was paying us, then she could treat us like servants and the house as a hotel. No way Jose! It took some huge rows but still get glimpses of that attitude.

There was a helluva dingdong last night - we went out for the first time in weeks, came back to find the central heating going full blast. Was it cold? No....she hadn't taken out frozen chicks for the hawk and she needed to defrost them quickly so he could eat before he went to bed. The BH really lost it, because that is the height of laziness. As I type this I'm having to nag her to get off her arris and take frozen chicks out to defrost!!

[marchogaeth]

See now I think she playing you up so you say:-

"If you can't look after it properly it will have to go,"

and then it will be you fault she had to get rid of the bird!

Sounds like a case of Peter Pan Syndrome to me. Try trapping her shadow on a draw she'll have to behave then.